u/bigtimecupofcoffee

If things are changing behind the scenes in PL land helps to remember that it’s already been through many iterations. Analog Future was lit! I certainly missed the horns when it evolved into PL Live. Remains to be seen what future versions will look like.

For me, alcohol was not the problem itself as much as it was a tool of avoidance. It’s universal availability and relative affordability made it the first thing to turn to when not wanting to face difficulties. But the avoidance itself, that pattern of behavior, is really where the issue compounds on itself. If it wasn’t alcohol, it would have been something else.

Drugs and alcohol make life feel okay while you are actively using. They work so well that you may not be realizing how much things are very much not okay beneath the spell. In your internal life, in your relationships, your finances, your career. These things deteriorate ever so slowly. Maybe you have flashes of clarity in-between the binges. “Hey, this is not where I thought I would be. What happened to me? Remember those goals you used to have?” But you quickly push those contemplations back in and numb them enough until you can spin them as okay again.

And it’s this slow deterioration that makes the crash back to reality really hard and even a bit shocking. I’ve been struggling with this part of sobriety lately and don’t feel like many I speak to relate with it a whole lot. It’s this realization that all of these really difficult things, both tangible and internal, have been simmering on the back burner for years and years. “Oh dear, I didn’t know it was this bad”. How does one even begin to move forward and put the pieces back together?

For me, alcohol was not the problem itself as much as it was a tool of avoidance. It’s universal availability and relative affordability made it the first thing to turn to when not wanting to face difficulties. But the avoidance itself, that pattern of behavior, is really where the issue compounds on itself. If it wasn’t alcohol, it would have been something else.

Drugs and alcohol make life feel okay while you are actively using. They work so well that you may not be realizing how much things are very much not okay beneath the spell. In your internal life, in your relationships, your finances, your career. These things deteriorate ever so slowly. Maybe you have flashes of clarity in-between the binges. “Hey, this is not where I thought I would be. What happened to me? Remember those goals you used to have?” But you quickly push those contemplations back in and numb them enough until you can spin them as okay again.

And it’s this slow deterioration that makes the crash back to reality really hard and even a bit shocking. I’ve been struggling with this part of sobriety lately and don’t feel like many I speak to relate with it a whole lot. It’s this realization that all of these really difficult things, both tangible and internal, have been simmering on the back burner for years and years. “Oh dear, I didn’t know it was this bad”. How does one even begin to move forward and put the pieces back together?

I’ve been revisiting the PL discography for the millionth time and I actually think it would be a real shame if we never got another fully complete work from him, under the Pretty Lights name or otherwise. The bevy of live sets/flips/etc we have gotten over the last decade has been wonderful but Derek has a such a rare talent for composing that you really do not see in this space very often.

It’s probably hard to remember but when his music first started coming out it felt like a totally new vibe and aesthetic. It may not seem like it now because his sound has become so ubiquitous and influential but back in like 2010-2011 it was such a leap forward for both electronic music and the art of sample collaging. When Color Map came out and we got to hear these beautiful original recordings it solidified to alot of us that this was a generational musician, not just a hyped up EDM producer.

So on that note it’s a bit surreal to think that project was the last official completed work from someone who is still alive, still touring, and from what his band mates and people in his crew have said still works on his own music. We just don’t get to hear it! And I know the man has started a family and this is by no means me making entitled demands but more so wanted to express how much his album music is sorely missed and how special that era was when we were all hearing it together for the first time.

Sharing this here because this has been nagging me for the better part of a month. February 2021 was the very first time I attempted to not drink alcohol for any extended amount of time. Between then and now I have had several sober periods and more unsuccessful day 1’s than I can count or would care to admit.

Quitting always seemed like something that would be good for me in a self help/optimizing your life sort of way. A good thing to do but ultimately optional. Maybe it’s the thing that would finally cure the intense dissatisfaction I’ve been feeling (never considered it may be causing it).Despite reading all the literature and half heartedly attempting some programs I never actually truly and honestly admitted to myself that I am addicted to alcohol. I have been lying to myself for half of this decade.

Two things occurred that made this really start sinking in. One was I received a comment from a friend who I also consider a heavy drinker that seemed to imply that even among drinkers I was known for going really hard. It was said in jest while we were out bar hopping but I think it stung for a reason; I knew it was true. And two, in these last few months my drinking had become more intense by volume than ever in my life DESPITE me wanting so badly to be fully abstinent. My drinking now as someone who feels very educated about addiction and sobriety is worse than when I knew nothing and thought “maybe I should take a break” for the very first time 5 years ago.

The things I never tried was going to some meetings or seeking counseling and at this point I am ready to try both. There are so many things that I know are at the roots of my addictive behaviors and white knuckling sobriety has simply has not worked for me. I simultaneously have never felt this defeated but also this ready to finally end this awful cycle and get real help.

To anyone in long term sobriety who was as stubborn as me, what finally worked for you?