I have to really think about it and it's painful, and when I remember something for a little bit, I'll lose it again. It's like I have 20 "shards" of memory at any given time. Anyone else like this? Is it DID or something else?
Last night at Kajang hospital. They said checking in would make me worse. I told them I was a danger to myself and others- I was on the cusp of a mental breakdown and I would take my life if I was certain I'd harm someone or take my life after. I'm a good person and I'm sane. It's just the other versions of me I've compartmentalized and put away that'll do my bidding. Afraid of them. So afraid. I know from experience that when I take too much from it all or break they start to take my body over and I have no control left and I come in and out of consciousness. I've done everything right. It can't be my fault anymore. The system has failed me. I've gone to therapy, I've talked to friends, I've called the suicide hotlines and they've hung up on me, and I broke down crying in the emergency room and had my heart race so much they hooked shit up to my chest with my shirt raked with the nurse saying "sorry, sorry," like she knew... I've had too much. I don't know if I'll be the same person tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow. Said that because my dad can take care of me I'd be better of at home but really, I don't care about myself anymore. I just don't want to hurt the ones I love. I regret not telling them back then. Don't want to go back and do the walk of shame with my dad and these people, and imagine, what if I get turned down again? They don't understand. I can't talk. Please make sure I don't hurt them. I don't want to hurt them. It's like they want me to traumatize my little bro, my sister, throw them against the wall, pin them, I don't know. They want me bad enough until I can't take it back. And dad really thinks I'll be fine and that he can take care of me but I'm at my breaking point. So tired fighting to stay in control. Please just let me lose my mind. Can't do anything. Can't get worse or better because I can't risk it. Too tired to do the whole thing again, guys. Please... Help me... This is the last thing I can do. I've been holding on for so long.
They say, showing that in every single way, that you are disposable, and that they do not.
People can care about you. But you want me to feel a "we"? You want me to be productive member of society and care about this? Tell me, how is my anger a flaw that needs to be medicated? How am I the crazy one for biting back for being mistreated? How am I defective for only defending a select few and sending the rest of you to hell the way you have when my trust has been broken over and over and the people continually disappoint me- and don't even give me a chance to be, seeing me as some invalid, some outcast? I am too tired for the lot of you, you have taken my sleep; and you get mad that I doze. Perhaps I am wrong, I admit: perhaps I may never feel love for another human ever again. But tell me again, how is it my fault? You want to protect all these abusers and absolve yourselves of any responsibility we have towards each other and take my share in hopes of yours- and you cannot stand that your inaction, your disbelief in me, your championing to say that I have been through NOTHING has caused me pain, and makes you bad, too. Tell me, do you identify with the powerful because I scare you? Do you see too well that you're just like me? Cornered, are we? You tell me that it's not my fault then, but it's my responsibility. Where the FUCK is yours. You tell me that you care about me, but only like me when I am good and beneficial. What a fucking lie. You do not care. You make me to do the superhuman and the improbable over and over and get mad that I'm resentful. You break my legs and scream that I cannot run, and tell me to suck it up. Darling, I can't even fucking stand but I'm tearing myself apart and leveraging my arms to keep up with you. You tell me that I'm a loser and I'll never be loved because I'm not trying hard enough- and everyone else can cope. Finally, I'm in the secret club! I'm like everyone! I'm no outcast! You tell me that love is real and it is unconditional. You tell me that it'll save me and you keep me on in a dream I never get the satisfaction of. You dangle it in front of me- all the sayings of "I care," but never giving it. Never meaning it and never caring if I can feel it. All you want to do is to pat yourself on the back.
You tell me that you care to keep me here. You keep me here, and do not let me leave because you will see then that you have failed. You keep me here and put me through more pain because you can't stand just a little- and it's all mine, isn't it? Well then, my life is mine. Fuck you. I am angry. I am here for no reason but your own guilt. You do not care.
You tell me that I must be sociable with people when everything you say tells me that you do not want me around, I have nothing to offer, and that you want me alone. When I am alone and care for myself only, the way you have made me do so for years, you tell me that it is a moral defect. And you do so especially when I'm well again, all without your help. This was the strategy all along. Oh, and then I do create something- it's yours now. You play fake making up with me. "I have given you so much. Aren't you glad I kept you here?" I did it all myself, and now you want my credit. "Give me my share, faggot. Give me your painful creation, without the pain." It's so easy for you.
The fantasy of goodness is so fragile that you need to lock me up away than the rest so people can keep the fantasy of being absolutely spectacular- the saint, the good samaritan.
I have the urge to say that I'm sorry. My anger is foreign to me, and I am bad, I am bad, I am bad and I am wrong, as always. I concede darling, I'm the worst person in the world and for no reason either. I'm a pissy fucking bitch and this letter is directed to an amorphous cloud- to everyone and no one and to everyone I'm too cowardly and reluctant to name. I will keep this to myself until I implode and I am bad. I am bad. All my efforts to be good mean nothing. And when the odd stranger tells me that I'm good, I will never be able to believe it. I'm jaded and just naive and nature is just fucking this, and I don't want to be angry and I want to be a real fucking Jesus and pour love out my tits for everyone to suckle but I am at my breaking point. Everyone tells me that they love me but I don't understand it or feel it. They make no effort to check in. They tell me they love me without acknowledging all the times they left me alone and now they want credit. I feel crazy again. I don't want to be soulless. It's my fault. I should've told them. Should they have known, paid attention. I am in pain. Please ignore me as this spirals. I don't want to be bad. Please.... I'm tired of fixing myself. I only want to be loved.
I only want to be loved.