u/birdallbones

Most of my friends are girls, I'm not really close with any cis dudes and the ones I know never treat me like a dude. I'm early in my transition and I'm kind of insecure about how un-masculine I am cus my close friends don't have that energy and I wanna learn how to act manlier ig? But I don't know where to start with cis dudes. I've got pretty good at the whole "oh I like your hair" with cis girls but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't on most of the guys I know

I'm sorry I don't really know how to explain this

For a while I haven't really been conscious of 'feeling' anything. I cry and I smile and I laugh but I don't experience the emotions behind them. It's like I exist behind a glass wall and all my feelings happen in the side with no input from me, and I'm using these signs to guess how I must be feeling. I feel like most of my life is just occuring, like there's a version of me living my life that isn't the one in my head and I'm just watching it all happen

Has anyone else experienced this?? Why is this happening?

18F here, I know I'm not a man. I've been "out" as a trans man to a few people for a few months now and it doesn't feel completely right. I still find it really jarring when people call me by my male name and I think I'm coming to terms with the fact im not a man. I never really had any desire to medically transition and I think I kind of mistook my hatred of my body for dysphoria rather than being fat. When I think about myself and who I am inside I'm 100% certain I am not a man, I don't feel male at all, and I really don't see myself in any of the trans dudes I know. I never had any signs growing up, I was very excited about puberty, I always play female characters in video games, and I never minded being seen as a woman. I'm incredibly feminine and I love wearing dresses and skirts and stuff. I really like looking into the mirror and seeing a pretty girl from time to time when Im not sad about being fat lol.

Having said all of this, I really wish I was a man. I've spent the last few years getting horribly drunk and telling people I want to be a boy, I cried on my 18th birthday at the idea my father would never call me his son and that I wasn't coming if age as a man. I'm an actor, I love playing male roles, I identify with male characters, but it's all a fantasy. I know in my heart of hearts I'm not really a man, I do not at all feel male, but I genuinely cannot convince myself. Even as I'm writing this I'm hoping someone will tell me I'm trans even though I really know I'm not. So .. I guess I just want advice. I'm not trans, I'm sure, I just need someone to tell me I guess so that I can be sure in my mind.