u/blackiedwaggie

hey you sweeties!

i am just a few days out from my surgery on tuesday (currently doing my best to be in denial to avoid the nerves, lol)

i am on protein shakes (and plain cucumbers, because i need something non-sweet and crunchy, and they have neglectable calories) and while not really starving, i do feel this hollow-tummy kind of hungry.

for some reason my mind circles around potatoes, and fries in particular, as far as cravings go, but it's pretty manageable

but.

i know surgery will change a lot of my guts and my hunger levels and all of that... but i am kind of worried i might be feeling "needy" for food even after. (and yeah, i read about the "head hunger" part, but i think this right now is an actual stomach sensation, it growls a lot and feels "watery")

i think i'm just hitting a point of nerves and low energy, because I've had issues switching into the new no-carb only-protein (>2gr carbs per meal) diet, including nausea (persisting), headaches, diarrhea and weakness

i would kill someone for a french fry.

i just keep hoping that once the surgery is done, i'll be too busy healing for my body or mind to have "hunger" sensations, or cravings, or whatever it is my tummy is screeching for XD

I know i'll get through this, i just feel this is a safe space to whine a little, and ease my mind before (and hopefully after) surgery

(it didn't feel like a trigger warning topic, but just in case, this is a headsup, i'll be talking about self-hate and bad self-image)

so, i've been in and out of therapy most of my life, and the last round really did a world of good for me

on the other hand, i can't quite stop from being... i'd say 'snarky' with myself. I'm very aware of all my issues, and i KNOW, in concept, from logical thought, that self-compassion and self-acceptance is one of the big, major steps toward healing and bettering yourself.

but i just can't.

i don't *hate*-hate myself, i'm just kind of... here. and i like being here and experiencing things, and i do get joy out of things, i have a stable job, lovely coworkers, all that stuff, but no matter what, i can't really feel proud of anything. i don't feel... much, honestly, about myself.

during a course to become a trauma counsellor (i work in daycare with abled and disabled kids, it was a year-long extra course) we did a lot of the exercises ourselves, and when we were told to imagine our inner child and comfort them, i couldn't.

i couldn't bring myself to have any motivation to be kind to her. or to myself. i imagine a little me, and it's not me, it's someone else, and i know she needs a little guidance and help, but just thinking about it makes me cringe and not even want to "look" at her

i know i should be exercising small things to be kind to myself, but i don't know how to do it if i can't find myself wanting to.

it's like i'm throwing a tantrum at myself, inside myself, about myself. i'm so upset at everything that offering a hand, or BEING offered a hand, even by myself, just makes me angrier or sadder or whatever it is i'm trying to soothe.

okay, i'm sorry this is gonna be a weird one.

did anyone experience an increase in nightmares, or vivid dreams after starting their protein shakes pre-op?

i do experience phases where i dream more, and remember them, but two days in a row, and as intense as they were, is unusual, so i'm pinning it on the protein shakes.

did anyone else have that happen?

Shake Shake Shake

shake your booty

i Had my Last scoop of ice cream yesterday, and now, i already miss having fresh fruit XD

But i'm in a good mindset, waiting for the keto flu to Set in and Missing Milk in my tea, lol

sw as of Yesterday: 120,7 kg (whats that, some 250ish pounds?)

i'll have a Gasteig Bypass with a hiatus hernia repair (gallbladder was already removed some 10 years ago)