3 years together, near engagement, found out last month
Together 3 years, near marriage, found out a month ago
I found out early July that my boyfriend of 3 years was cheating on me with a younger girl he works with. I have gone through every emotion several times, I've had good days and horrible days. I am currently in the process of moving out of the apartment we shared and I feel now just as bad as I did when I first found out. I am still crying even on my good days, it comes out of nowhere. I should feel worse when I talk to him but I don't, the few times we've had to chat to work out logistical stuff my body has relaxed like he was my home. But he also feels like a stranger.
He told me the morning I found out that he doesn't know when he stopped loving me. Then a week later he told me he did love me, regretted everything, and still wanted to be a part of my life one day. After that he got second thoughts again, then a week or so later apparently made up his mind, broke it off with the girl, and told me he loved me and was committed to me. I am not proud to say I entertained it because it made me feel less helpless and it was easier than feeling the pain- it gave me the power to determine what I actually want to do. But the literal next day he said that he did need space and it "wasn't fair" for him to try to work on US while he was in the headspace he was in. I was back to feeling helpless.
I finally told him that even if he does love me, I can never forgive him and after everything with the apartment is done I need to be rid of him to heal. I didn't really mean it when I sent it, but I knew I had to do it and that eventually it would be true. I thought that was the way to regain some control over my life. Only now he's acting aloof, surgical, and super distant when trying to organize logistical stuff (I wasn't at my best, I had moments where I would text about logistical stuff as an excuse to segue into whatever else I was feeling- but sometimes it truly was just logistics). Saying he doesn't want to talk casually and doesn't want me to be in the apartment if he needs to come by.
I agreed that it would be easier to not have to see each other, I'm the one that said it in the first place, and I told him I was never going to ambush him or force him to see me. But why does *he* get to say that? I hate how hard it is to stand by what I said and not miss him, and to not feel a bit stung by the fact that he just accepted it and is now acting like he never wanted anything to do with me anyway.
On top of the original pain now I feel ashamed of wanting him to keep fighting for me so that I can feel less helpless and less unwanted. But he did what he did and every time I think about it I feel sick. How long is this pain going to last? Which feeling is going to last the longest? Right now I feel like it's the anger. I really just need some reassuring words to let me know that it's okay that I am still feeling so horrible over a month in.