I signed up for a loan thinking it was monthly payment but it’s semi monthly and killing me! I’ll end up paying double in interest before the loan closes. I’ve seen posts of revoking ACH for cash advance apps but curious about repercussions of opportunity loans. Anyone had any experience?
I know it’s long but I would appreciate the feedback.
I am not a writer. While I am super proud of this poem, it started as just a way to try to explain to my mother how I was feeling recently and turned into a lengthy, raw, expression. Being vulnerable hasn’t always been a strong suit of mine but once I wrote one line that was stuck in my head, the rest flowed and I wrote this whole poem within 6 hours. I’ve only written one other poem and it was in my angst teen years like 20 years ago. My mother LOVES that poem so I figured I’d give it another shot so she’d really listen to how I’ve been feeling. Please be honest, but not brutal (if possible).
- The Afterthought -
I am everyone’s friend,
just no one’s favorite.
I am the empath.
The painted smile and bubbly “Hello!”
Even to a stranger.
I’m a Master NPC.
To be a bright blip,
the no pressure part,
in someone else’s day.
In mine however, this moment will be a highlight.
How pitiful is that?
I can’t help it,
I overcompensate for people to like me.
I am radium.
Bright and intriguing.
But upon further inspection…
!WARNING!
Prolonged exposure causes:
Confusion.
Headache.
Fatigue.
…I’m being a downer again…
I go in a spiral…
Recalling every word of a conversation.
…In a spiral…
Recalling every facial expression.
Spiral…
Did I hear an annoyed tone?
Do they care about what I was saying?
The quick subject change feels like they weren’t listening…
Were they listening?
The lighter topic is better I guess.
My words only come out as complaining anyway,
And no one likes that.
I hate that about myself.
The frustration silently grows,
repeating the same things.
Trying to go deeper,
But I’m brought back to surface level.
The same topics.
The painted smile and bubbly “Hello!”
Mask fully affixed.
I apologize for saying…
…for being…
too much.
I’m exhausted.
Constantly on the verge of tears.
I used to be able to hold it in easier.
What happened to me?
My mind is so overwhelmed,
Constantly running marathons:
Thoughts.
Feelings.
Burdens.
…I am a burden…
I know everyone sees the slob.
The mess.
No one realizes the struggle.
I try to say it,
but it comes out quickly in anger.
Like RIPPING the bandaid off
but accidentally hitting someone in the process.
I instantly feel sorry.
I know I’m draining.
I can feel I am exhausting, even to myself.
Energy wasted
fighting internal battles,
the destruction reflects in my home.
No visitors for this old maid.
Why even bother tidying?
I don’t have the energy.
It’s a charade anyway.
I feel the judgment and pity,
the anger, the letdown.
It comes at me in waves.
I reach out for anything not tinted with annoyance
Or duty…
Onus.
Everyone’s friend,
Just no one’s favorite.
They all have someone else… more important.
I am happy for them, truly.
I don’t want my burden to be anyone else’s.
I love that they have a partner.
It’s not jealousy.
It’s existential awe.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so much
when they brag about them to me.
I wonder how others talk about me?
Do they talk about me?
Forever searching for my most important person.
I’m left standing on the edge of the field.
Last picked for kickball,
each and every game.
I’d rather say “I didn’t want to play anyway!”
I lie to myself and everyone else.
I don’t want the worry. The pity.
It’s always easier to believe someone is okay
when they say they are.
Hopefully someday the lie will be true.
But who would like me when
some days, even I don’t?
My father’s name,
My mother’s genes,
End with me.
That truth is haunting.
Squandered potential to my parents.
I wish I could be
who they thought I’d be.
I know I’m not.
Not the worst,
But could be SO much better.
…Slogan for my life.
I am EVERYONE’S friend though.
Just no one’s favorite.
Yet.