why do I want to run to the man that hurt me for comfort and a hug. I'm tired of being strong 😞I (34F) and my ex-boyfriend (35M) were together for just over two years.
When I met Paul and I felt safe for the first time in a long time. I had been cheated on in previous relationships, and I was very open with him from the beginning about my past. I told him about my fears of being lied to, abandoned, and cheated on. I explained my boundaries around honesty and communication with other women because of what I'd experienced. He reassured me that I had nothing to worry about, and I believed him completely.
As time went on, I started discovering things he hadn't told me. I found out he had continued communicating with his ex-wife after telling me he wouldn't. I later found conversations with another woman from a work convention that made me feel like my relationship wasn't being protected. I only discovered these things after I moved to Ontario to be closer to him. I felt blindsided because he hadn't been transparent with me.
I tried to handle it by communicating. I repeatedly explained how these things affected me, why they triggered my past trauma, and what I needed to rebuild trust. Instead of feeling heard, I often felt like my concerns were minimized or that I became the focus of the problem rather than the behaviors that hurt me. Over time, I started questioning my own reality and wondering if I was asking for too much.
As the relationship continued, the trust kept breaking down. I experienced repeated lying, including about small things. I found out about a second phone, which made me question what else I didn't know. I discovered messages with an escort. There were ongoing issues with pornography and drug use, and I believe those addictions affected how he treated me.
One of the most frightening moments for me involved my son. I believed Paul intended to drive my son and his friend while high. I got home before that happened, and after that, my priority became protecting my son. That changed something in me because I realized this wasn't only affecting me anymore.
Throughout the relationship, I felt alone. I begged for counseling, better communication, honesty, and accountability. I felt like I was constantly trying to save the relationship while he became more distant. He would leave without communicating, spend time with friends, make decisions without discussing them with me, and I often didn't feel like a partner. I felt blamed for things like finances and for not seeing his parents, even though I had encouraged him to spend time with them and tried to be mindful about money.
I also felt emotionally put down. I was criticized about cooking and cleaning, yelled at in front of neighbors, and I felt like he spoke negatively about me to his family. He wrote a Reddit post about me that I believe left out important context and made me look like the problem everyone is calling me crazy, which was humiliating. That post is in this group.
By the end of the relationship, I no longer felt safe, loved, or prioritized. I realized I was grieving the man I thought he was rather than the relationship I was actually living. Even though I still love him, I also know that if nothing changed and I went back, I would likely end up in the same cycle. That's why I'm here. I want to understand why I stayed so long? why I still miss him? and how to heal so I don't repeat these patterns in the future? 😔