u/candle_wax_247

I posted before about reconnecting with an avoidant ex last weekend. It’s just for friendship and no, there was no intimacy.

We had a big, blow up fight today because I refuse to be gaslit and I’m holding firm on my boundaries.

I knew he was lying about something and I called him out on it and reminded him that he did something similar in the past and I knew he was lying about it back then. He denied ever doing it in the past and when I called him out about his shady actions now he got mad. He said I’m triggering him and that he will not talk to me the whole weekend. Ok?

I know what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna run to the girl that he denies he’s going to hook up with. I don’t care if he hooks up with her coz I don’t have romantic feelings anymore but the fact that he was lying about it unnecessarily is what gets to me. There was no reason to lie or hide about it. And if he’s lying about that then what else is he lying about?

I told him I refuse to go down this path with him again. If he wants to be friends then he gotta build my trust on him or I’m out. He got mad coz he’s not used to me setting my boundaries.

He said he will come back Monday. I’m not holding my breath on that one.

I mentioned in my previous posts that my old FA ex came back 4 years after the breakup but when he returned I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Since we were friends before we started dating, I told him I can only offer friendship. He was ok with that. So we decided to meet up and go on a trip this past Labor Day weekend.

Now here’s the story of the meet up 😊

My plane landed first thing in the morning Saturday. His was supposed to land at noon. However, at noon he called me and said his flight was canceled. I was like ugh… is this him getting scared last minute? But he showed me proof that it was canceled for some airline issue. So I said ok now what? He decided to rent a car and drive 5 hours to make it. We had a reservation at a fancy restaurant at 8 pm and he said he didn’t want to disappoint me. I said ok. I was waiting to hear another story later on about the car rental issue but nothing. 5 hours later, he did show up and we made it to our reservation. He was telling people around us (it was the type where you sit with other people and watch the chef make sushi - omakase) that it’s our grand reunion after 4 years. He was almost beaming about it. I was very surprised. He was very attentive and listening to me the whole night. This was not the FA I was dating 4 years ago. Not the one who cheated on me. The guy that showed up was my friend from before we started dating.

Next day, I packed our itinerary with several tours of the city. He was very engaged in the activities and not once did he look at his phone to text anybody. His attention is on me and the things we are doing at the moment. However, he also didn’t make any attempt to flirt and neither did I and I was relieved of that. When I offered friendship I meant it. I was not hoping to get him back as a lover.

Since we liked the same stuff it was easy to plan for things. He drove while I navigated. He picks the lunch place and I pick dinner. We walked around the city and talked and laughed. It was like as if 4 year gap never happened.

I told him about my recent ex (the DA who discarded me) and I was picking his brain about why avoidants do this and that. He is an FA who is working on healing. He told me that my ex is no good especially since he doesn’t even want to change. He said he wanted to change because he knew he’s horrible how he treated women and he will end up alone if he doesn’t fix himself. That is the difference between them. He is willing to change while my ex DA was not.

We talked about his ex (the one he cheated on me with) and how miserable he was the entire time he’s with her. Never called her a bitch though. I called her a bitch but he didn’t. He just said they got to the point where their incompatibility was too much for him so he broke up with her. He said he never loved her. Ouch for her.

We walked around town until almost midnight. It was a very vibrant city with lots of activities so it helped a lot. Think Before Sunrise type of walking and talking minus the making out and sex. Coz we didn’t have sex. We didn’t even kiss or hold hands. It was all perfectly platonic.

We never fought during the trip. No raised voice. No snarky comments. Just a very relaxed, chill hang out between two people who had a very toxic relationship but deep down were good friends.

On the way to the airport, we talked about hanging out again and maybe doing a tour of the southern states. Future planning. Whoa. I said I’m down if he’s down. So we’ll see if that happens.

So there you have it. My avoidant came back but it was at that point that I don’t want him as a lover anymore. As a friend, he’s amazing. As a lover, he’s toxic to me.

I guess, in this scenario, the only way to get an avoidant back and keep him is to remove the pressure of a relationship and remain friends. They can handle friendship. It’s the closeness and expectations and attachment of a relationship that makes them run for the hills.

I know it’s very, very, very tempting to send that message to your ex avoidant because, after all, they pretty much left all of a sudden, and controlled the narrative. They want out and you are left to pick up the pieces.

What’s left unfinished is always stuck in our head. It’s called the Zeigarnik effect. You will keep thinking and remembering it over and over because your mind is looking for closure/ ending.

IF you are going to send that last message, do it for you. Do it because you want to release what’s in your heart. But don’t think that it will change anything in the relationship.

Your ex will not reflect and say oh yeah I was horrible I’m sorry blah blah. Your ex will glance at the message/ maybe read a little then get overwhelmed and tell themselves you are crazy and needy and it’s good they left coz they can’t handle all that shit.

How do I know? Coz my last DA was like that. He showed me messages of women that are begging for his attention and he was like “see how crazy she is?” So when he discarded me, I didn’t even respond. He has to send several messages making sure he didn’t mean to hurt me. I just said thank you for that information and left it at that.

I refuse to give him anything that he can show his new girl as proof to back his story that I’m crazy and needy. Both of my FA and DA did this. They showed me the last messages of their exes and, at that time, I was like oh yeah she’s totally insane…. Not knowing that he drove them to that point.

After reading the last messages of the other women it made me be “better”. More accepting. More tolerant. Not making waves. Showing him I’m different from them coz I’m not crazy. This is exactly what they need to keep you hooked coz you’re overlooking the red flags. Master manipulator really.

Do not send the message. Do not give your ex the satisfaction of knowing how much they affected you. That’s dopamine to them. Feeling wanted and desired and chased. You’re pretty much feeding their need while they’re emotionally devastating you daily.

Last thing we want to do is to give the avoidants what they want.

They want your attention.
They want to feel chased and wanted.
They want to still be your world while they’re already chasing others.
They want to prove you’re the crazy one and they can use that as “proof” to their shiny, new toy.

Don’t do it.

Just my two cents 😊

After the initial love bombing phase. Here is what the avoidant expect from you

1. Do not be overly affectionate or affectionate at all
2. No initiating “what are we” or “define the relationship” talk
3. No future planning
4. Minimal text. Only if he initiates the conversation
5. Don’t plan any trips that you cannot cancel last minute
6. Be prepared to deal with “just friends” that he is flirting with or privately messaging
7. Don’t EVER question him when you sense cheating or cheating adjacent behaviors
8. Don’t ever question him at all. Period.
9. Be prepared to be called names/ look bad when the relationship ends. Coz it will end.
10. Don’t ever offer to help. He will ask for it if he needs help but rarely does that happen and if you do help after asked then you are attacking his independence
11. Don’t ever talk about feelings or ask him to open up.
12. Under no circumstances are you supposed to even look or text another guy (even if platonically like work) because you’re his. He can flirt with other women but you have to be absolutely loyal to him.
13. When he is ready to dump you, he will start being incredibly busy
14. He will not ask about your day or even initiate conversations
15. Be prepared to have your history rewritten where you look bad to anybody he tells the story to especially to his shiny new toy

And when you’re about to get discarded here are the lines:

We want different things
I don’t think we’re compatible
I need to focus on myself
I have a lot on my plate
You deserve better
I can’t give you what you need
I don’t want to lose myself

May or may not block you immediately after.
Will totally breadcrumb you several times ESPECIALLY when they sense you moved on
Is absolutely lurking and spying on your social media. Trust.

Did I miss anything?

During your time with your avoidant, do you ever have moments when you know they’re lying or you caught them lying and you held back on confronting them because you know they will either make you the bad person for “monitoring” them or they will dig themselves deeper in the lie?

I’ve sensed and caught my ex lying so many times during our relationship especially about other women. “We’re just friends” and “I don’t like being monitored”. It got to the point that I don’t bother asking anymore coz I will never get the truth.

He told me a few days ago that he won’t be online much because he’s “busy” with life. I was scrolling through social media and saw him commenting and liking several women’s post yesterday 🙄

Liar seriously. 😒

I am a closet witch and I’m about to go on vacation. I am living at home with my family. They’re not coming. How do I hide my honey jar, sugar jar, and other spells that I have in bottles and pouches so that nobody sees them or messes with them?

I currently had them hidden in little boxes in my area and away from prying eyes but when I’m not around someone can easily open the boxes and mess with my stuff.

Also, I’m thinking of taking a mini sugar jar spell with me so I can keep working it while I’m away for 2 weeks? Yes? No? Suggestions?

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

I have been doing reconciliation, communication, contact and honey jar spells on my ex because I really want them to contact me again and reconnect. However, he is of the very stubborn kind so nothing I’ve done in the past 3 months worked.

So one day I was so annoyed I just very, very strongly manifested that he lose his job as revenge for how he left me blindsided with the no contact. I did a spell that basically returns to him what he did to me and wished really really hard that he lose his job and that his life would spiral.

Yesterday he told me he’s turning his phone back to his company and HR will be the one seeing the messages so don’t text. Today he said he’s very busy with life and moving forward when I asked if he is still working where he’s working at. To me that seems like he lost his job. He cut off the convo by saying he’s praying for me and bye for now.

Is this something I did?

I was with an avoidant for over 2 years. Daily text messages that started slowing down March of this year. I now recognize it as the beginning of the discard. Then June 5 he sent me a message that he needs to focus on himself and we are not compatible and he prefers if I don’t contact him and that he will text me and pray for me. Then he sent me a messages the day after saying he didn’t mean to hurt me. Then sent another message a few days later wishing for my speedy recovery on a surgery I mentioned months prior. He also greeted me Happy Birthday end of June.

All this time I was responding minimally knowing it’s prolly breadcrumb. Then mid July he sent me a message saying he gained weight coz he’s so stressed and he hopes I’m ok. I responded lighthearted and then he ghosted me again and went on vacation.

Didn’t hear from him again until this morning when he said he will turn over his phone to HR on Monday and for next 3 months a new person or HR will have the phone so don’t contact him or call him on that phone but I can reach him via email or social media.

What?! This is the most confusing situation ever and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with this guy.

I’ve been doing honey jar and contact me spells on my person and haven’t heard anything until today. I woke up to the most ambiguous message ever and I’m not sure if my spells worked or somehow I did something wrong.

His text says he will hand over his phone to HR on Monday and for the next 3 months a new person will have the phone and not to send messages or call that number. But I can still contact him via email and social media.

He asked for no contact but contacted me intermittently until 2 weeks ago when he stopped. And now he sends me that after I did spells.

Thank you!