u/catharcist

For context, I've struggled for years with body image and whatnot.

A couple of weeks ago, I went with my boyfriend and his best friend to the beach. First time meeting his best friend so I was already nervous/anxious about first impressions. Also the first time I went to any beach in over a year. I've gained some weight since last year and I was, of course, feeling incredibly self-conscious and just low in general. Sat there on the beach while he and his best friend took their shirts off and got comfortable, until my boyfriend asked me if I was gonna take my dress off or go in the water. Mind you, I did have a bathing suit underneath, but... seeing all the pretty, slimmer women on the beach actually enjoying themselves shut me down. I just gave him a little smile and told him I probably wouldn't since I was a bit uncomfortable. He didn't press after that.

He and his friend started talking about how good his friend looked since he started working out, and my boyfriend makes a comment along the lines of "yeah he used to be huge!! he was like 215lbs"

Mind you, I'm around 230lbs right now. Heaviest I've ever been. I sat there quietly and smiled along with them. And then once they left to go chill in the water, I stayed. And cried. I wasn't outright sobbing since there were tons of people around and I had my sunglasses on so no one would be able to see anyway, but there were definitely tears sliding down my face.

Now I'm just repeating that in my head every so often. "He used to be HUGE". What does that make me?

Idk. Just feels like I'm sinking. I haven't eaten since Sunday and had maybe anywhere between 2-6 minutes of sleep so it's gonna be a rough day.

BB

AIO?

I don't even know what to write anymore

Think I'm living in the wrong reality