u/catlathat

SELF HARM AND SUICIDE WARNING!

At this point,I cannot decide wether my boyfriend is still in love with me or not. And I am unsure if it is my BPD talking and going into full abandonment mode anymore or if my feelings are actually in place and correct.

Basically,his behaviour is kind of like my dad's. I am often invalidated. Like when I was telling him about how angry I am at my abusive parents,he said that "we talked about this before,atleast they have changed". When he knows that is extremely triggering to me as it makes me feel like my trauma is not taken seriously.

Now,I am in rehab and have been for a month. He has been working physical labour daily,therefore is often really tired. I understand that. But mind you,he lives 10 minuites away from the rehab place. So I do not get why he could not drag himself out just for a day to spend time with me,as he rejected to meet 3 days in a row. I do not take rejection well. That is one of my main focuses in teraphy,to work on my reactions to rejection. And so,as he refused to meet,I had emotions so intense,so agonizing,that I relapsed with self harm. With how much rage I felt,I went pretty deep,and my teraphy almost ended,as they have a rule that says that if a cut needs the ER,your teraphy automatically ends. So I was quite shaken when a doctor had to be called. When I told him that luckily my teraphy did not end,he said I do not give a fuck about getting clean. I told him that it was extremely hard not to relapse because really,I triex everything. From binging and purging to walking,to listening to music... nothing helped. And he said I cannot always use that excuse.

But I have more. He knows I have BPD. But when I went on a trip and he had his A-levels,we could not meet for three weeks. We made plans to catch up as soon as I am back in the country,aka thursday. But no. He had to tell me that he wants to push our meeting a day away because he wants to meet with a female friend. He said it would be hid last chance to do so,as the girl lives abroad. Which I would have understood,but then,it turned out that Fridax was good for her all along. So he was willing to throw a meeting after three weeks with me aside,without asking for more information and looking for other possibilities. When he KNEW how much that girl triggered me. It is his ex's sister. He has her drawing on the wall for god's sake. When I first found put about her,I am ashamed to say it,but I attempted,as I was really unstable back then. I havr matured a lot since then, and I would never do that to him again. I tale full responsibility. But now,he is refusing to listen to me talk about my interests. We have a small dnd club at rehab that he knowd brings me a lot of joy, yet he still does not want to listen to me rant as "the topic is not interesting to him." Well for sure do I not give a fuck about tanks,but I adore him enough to listen to him rant as I love seeing him happy.

With all this,I am having doubts. I do not know what to do anymore. I adore him to bits,but he often really fucking triggers me.

Suicide and abuse mention!!!

My boyfriend just called me abusive. And the worst part is I know a lot of my actions could be considered as such. Early on in our relationship, I threatened suicide multiple times. I'm past that. Now I often joke about committing and it hurts him. I know it does. Not to mention how I try to commit atleast once every month.He said he gets so worried he cannot focus on anything else when things like that happen. But when I'm overwhelmed,I can't seem to think and I do things I regret afterwards. I feel like such a bitch. My boy deserves the world and I cannot give it to him. The thought alone hurts like crazy. I want to change so badly. But it's so goddamn hard with bpd. I feel like it's killing me. Does anyone have any tips? I don't want to be like this. I've been abused my whole life and I would do anything to avoid continuing the cycle.

I'm pretty sure we've all heard about the bpd stereotypes, from the hello kitty girls to the abusive manipulative assholes,people really have no clue about what bpd actually is or what makes it such a life-ruining disorder.

I noticed how in dark romance media, romantic leads often showcase badly written bpd characteristics and I find it infuriating. It makes me fume how writers deliberately ignore the struggles of bpd while reinforcing it's romanticized smithereens. They'll focus on the obsession and yearning we experience, but ignore the splitting,the love hate cycle etc. This leads to people having certain expectations when it comes to this disorder, and when those expectations aren't met,they'll call you crazy or abusive. Like they will think of you as this obsessive romantic stalker,but the second you have an episode,you're suddenly repulsive.I'm not saying that people with bpd are innocent victims because trust me,I myself did a lot of fucked up shit in the past. But what I mean is how these horrible and inaccurate portrayals result in the reputation of individuals suffering from this disorder worsening. But I what do you think?