u/catzpatzmatz

I (late 20s/F) dated my ex (late 20s/M) for about three years. We met through our local music scene, he’s a musician, I’m an artist who works on the promotion and community engagement side.

The relationship wasn’t bad, and he was my best friend. We shared a lot of great memories together. Looking back, though, therapy has helped me recognize things I didn’t see at the time. He tended to avoid conflict, was often insecure, and there were moments where he’d put me down in subtle ways that I didn’t fully recognize then.

During our relationship, my dad died after a five-year illness, and a few months later my grandmother also passed away. Losing my dad was incredibly traumatic, and I was struggling while living in an unhealthy home environment.

My ex and I had talked about moving in together, but he kept making excuses and it kept getting pushed back. About eight months after my dad died, he unexpectedly ended our three-year relationship. We hadn’t had any major conflicts, so the breakup left me devastated and confused.

He ended it saying things like:
“The spark is gone.”
“The relationship feels more like a friendship.”
“I don’t see us together long term.”

After the breakup, he essentially disappeared for about two months and ghosted me. I decided to move almost immediately to get away from everything and start over. Eventually he reached back out and gave what I would describe as a partial apology. We briefly discussed getting back together, but ultimately decided against it. I left those conversations believing we’d ended things on relatively amicable terms, but it later became clear that wasn’t actually the case.

Here’s where things became much more complicated.

We share a very interconnected local music community. I continued going to shows where mutual friends were playing. Sometimes my ex was there, sometimes he wasn’t. He would still say hi to me and we’d have brief conversations, so I had no reason to think there was a problem. Apparently there was.

Instead of him talking to me directly if something bothered him, mutual friends started acting as messengers.

They told me things like:
I shouldn’t go to certain shows if he might be there.
He didn’t want to see me.
My presence made him anxious.
I needed to focus on myself.
I should go to different kinds of shows.
I should make new friends and invite them to different events.
If the roles were reversed, people would feel differently because music was “his job.”
I was “supposed to know” this was a problem.
“Are you actually telling your therapist everything?”
“I’ve heard things about what you did,” but they wouldn’t tell me what those things were.
“This is the risk you take when you date within the music scene.”

I tried explaining my perspective:
I thought we were still on friendly terms.
His emotional regulation wasn’t my responsibility, especially through my own behavior.
These are public community spaces, and it didn’t feel fair to be told what shows I could or couldn’t attend.
I didn’t feel comfortable having conflict managed through other people instead of direct communication.
Him saying what I am allowed to do is controlling.
Me following my exes rules is disrespectful to my current partner.
If he’s over it and I don’t want him either then why is this an issue.
He also has a degree in a field he can get a job, so he doesn’t have to rely on music for work.
If he had a problem with me, I wanted him to tell me directly so I could make a decision before it escalated to this point.

The experience left me afraid to trust people because I never knew what was being said about me, who knew what, or who was safe to confide in.
My mental health became terrible.

I isolated myself, drank much more than I ever had before, smoked more, spent thousands of dollars on therapy, and at one point even considered checking myself into a hospital because I felt so hopeless. I felt like I was being held responsible for managing his feelings, so eventually I stopped going to shows for a long time.

None of our mutual friends checked in on me. They told me they weren’t choosing sides, but they continued spending time with him while I left from the scene.

It’s been quite a while now. I’ve built a healthier support system, dated someone who has been supportive for me during this entire time, and therapy has helped a lot.

But I still have anxiety whenever I go back into the local music scene because I associate it with feeling judged, unwelcome, and like I unknowingly violated rules that nobody would actually explain to me.
Recently I talked with someone who knows both of us. He acknowledged that what happened to me was really painful and was able to be empathetic for what I went through, but he also mentioned that my ex is doing well now. Which I told him I didn’t want updates on him.

For some reason, hearing that hit me really hard.
It hurt because it felt like my isolation became part of the environment that allowed him to heal. While I was rebuilding my social life from scratch, he still had the community around him.

I still don’t know what to make of all of this. Almost everyone I talk to outside of that friend group seems to understand why this experience affected me so deeply, and they are angry about this for me. While that one clique does not. When I talk to them, I start questioning my own experience and wondering if I somehow deserved what happened.

I guess my question is this:

Am I missing something? Is this a normal way for mutual friends to handle a breakup within a close-knit community, or was it reasonable for me to expect direct communication from my ex instead of feeling like I had to navigate unspoken rules?

I don’t know if I should invite my (27) friend (28) to a big birthday party

I have a friend I’ve known for about a decade. We’ve always been close, open with each other, and supportive during hard times. In recent years, however, their has struggled with alcohol. There has been a time, their drinking became bad enough that I chose to create some distance and communicated my boundaries and I needed to step back. After I said that, and a falling out with someone else, they called me and said they were getting help and attended rehab, which I was happy to see and it did help them.

Since then, they had periods of sobriety but has also still struggled with alcohol. Sometimes when they drink, they can become angry, engage in risky behavior, and will forget some of the things they said and did the next day. As a result, a few people distanced themselves from them without explaining much of why. I believe they want to stop drinking and are capable of it because they have done it before. They are dealing with a lot of stress, challenges, and unresolved issues in life and have difficulty managing their drinking and I have been trying to support them, and they have gotten some professional help now too.

I don’t think it would be appropriate to invite them to a party where alcohol will be present, given their pattern of behavior, history and struggles. At the same time, I don’t want them to feel excluded or rejected, especially because they are already dealing with depression and feelings of isolation.

I’ve considered is planning a separate, low-key hang with them in a place that’s more appropriate. I am concerned is that if they learn I had a party and weren’t invited, they may take it personally. I care about our friendship and want to figure out this situation without forgoing my boundaries or damaging the relationship.

How do I approach this ?

Edit- just want to mention I fully intend on letting them know this , but just wanting to know how to approach this conversation respectfully.

I have a friend I’ve known for about a decade. We’ve always been close, open with each other, and supportive during hard times. In recent years, however, he has struggled with alcohol. There has been a time, his drinking became bad enough that I chose to create some distance and communicated my boundaries and I needed to step back. After I said that, and a falling out with someone else, he called me and said he was getting help and attended rehab, which I was happy to see and it did help him.

Since then, he has had periods of sobriety but has also still struggled with alcohol. Sometimes when he drinks, he can become angry, engage in risky behavior, and will forget some of the things he said and did the next day. As a result, a few people distanced themselves from him without explaining much of why. I believe he wants to stop drinking and is capable of it because he’s don’t it before. He is dealing with a lot of stress, challenges, and unresolved issues in life and has difficulty managing his drinking and I have been trying to support him, and he’s gotten some professional help now.

I don’t think it would be appropriate to invite him to a party where alcohol will be present, given his history and struggles. At the same time, I don’t want him to feel excluded or rejected, especially because he is already dealing with depression and feelings of isolation.

I’ve considered is planning a separate, low-key hang with him in a place that’s more appropriate. I am concerned is that if he learns I hosted a party and wasn’t invited, he may take it personally. I care about our friendship and want to figure out this situation without forgetting my boundaries or damaging the relationship.

How do I approach this ?