u/ceroba_is_my_mother

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every time i try to post here or somewhere else it's as if i was shadowbanned, i have no idea why.

Both me and my sister (18M/21F) work at a very important company in our region, and long story short, both of us are extremely depressed for many many reasons (she is starting treatment for it, nobody knows how i feel though).

One of the things that made her feel worse every day was the fact that she barely had any work to do, even though she was in an important department in our company, they barely gave her any work at all, and the things they did give her were extremely simple menial tasks, she wasnt learning or growing in literally any way, that was going on for months and she told me a couple times just how much she hated that, i cant look insider her head, but something tells me she felt very useless.

While im in a similar spot, i'm slowly climbing the ladder around here so to speak (though it's really slow).

Two days ago i wasnt feeling super terrible, so i used the few bits of energy and courage i had to bring up her situation to my boss, my boss said she would do something about it since it wasnt fair for my sis, and i forgot about that for the time being, though it is important to mention that i never told my sister about this, as i didn't want her to feel like she was useless and the only way she could get work is through me.

Fast forward to yesterday, there was some important restructuring in the company, and my sis approached me to talk. Basically, she was assigned to a "less technical" department, but in an administrative position, and my sister told me she felt dissapointed about it and that she hoped for something better, although she mentioned that this was better than nothing.

Now i have absolutely no idea how to feel, there is so much shit in my head already i feel it's about to burst into flames, and i don't know if this was a good decision.

If anyone can even see this post, please i want some reassurance or at least someone neutral telling me if this was good.

i have not played any of the original games, and personally, i have no interest in trying them out, for now at least. However i am fairly interested in Gamma because it seems like the game i was looking for my whole life, a hardcore, realistic, SINGLE PLAYER open world sandbox tactical shooter akin to Escape From Tarkov (as in unforgiving combat where you or your enemies can get killed in a few shots, with lots of gun customization, loot management, realistic healing, the whole 9 yards).

from what i've seen, the requirements are not THAT bad so once i upgrade from my sad potato from 2008 i'm open to trying it out, but i would still like to hear from others if the game is really like i described it or if YouTube reviews made me think the game is something else, i hope this question isn't too dumb or something, i just don't want to waste hours downloading 150+ gigs for something that isn't what im looking for.

thanks and i hope this community is nice to a noob like me :>

i like to think once she managed to get out of the wild east, she ended up somewhere weird like england and just stayed there for some reason

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I apologize if my writing is messy, convoluted, poorly structured or anything else, i'm not the best at putting my thoughts into words.

I feel i need to have share some context about myself.

I am 18 years old, infact, i just turned 18 last month, i have a sister, which is about to turn 21.

For a very long time, i have been fighting with extremely negative thoughts, over the years i informed myself about depression and it's symptoms, and even though i havent been diagnosed, i can relate to almost all of the general symptoms, which leads me to believe i may have undiagnosed depression. I read the DSM V and i realized that almost all of the symptoms have appeared or continue to be a part of my every day life, and i can 100% guarantee that it is not a different health related issue, although as i mentioned, i have not been diagnosed by a professional yet.

I will not share all of the reasons behind my personal situation, but i will say that one of them is my father, he was very agressive and volatile towards me and my sister, which made our home a very tense and uncomfortable place, our stepmother is more cold headed and less explosive, but she's still in his side 99% of the time.

Fast forward to february of this year. My sister was diagnosed with depression, which suprised me, as i always thought that deep down she was stronger than me, and i noticed she has very concerning suicidal tendencies, constantly listening to songs about suicide, staying away from both my dad and me, and overall being a lot less social than before. My father doesnt seem to care about this too much, he is much more tolerant now, and tries to get along much more, but i just can't bring myself to accept that.

Behind all of those dad jokes, i still see the person that would verbally attack me and my sister over something as simple as forgetting 1 thing when making dinner, or even smaller things. I want to accept his change, i want to believe he's trying to be better and that we can be a good family again, but i can't, i just can't think of anything other than all of those years.

I am incredibly scared for my sister, i admit i had plenty of moments where i was an asshole to her, but that doesnt mean i love her any less, i don't know if her depression is my fault, if it's my dads fault, if it's something else, i don't know, i don't know anything, i can't live with this stress piled on top of my own depression, i feel so powerless, i don't know how can i help her, i don't know what can i do, i don't know if she hates me and wants me to stay away, i don't know if she loves me and wants me to help her with this, for all i know she can decide to take her own life next week, tomorrow, tonight, i don't know anything.

I can't search for a therapist or psychologist or something, my dad insists on waiting for a general medical report, which i understand, but it's taking absolute ages and he doesnt even want to look for some way to help her in the meantime, for all i know he doesnt give a damn about all of this, and my stepmother is also in the dark, i'm completely alone in this.

Waking up to commute to work feels more difficult every day that goes by, my company is very important and prestigious in my region, which makes me even more stressed, because if i lose this job its basically over for me. I have to search for a uni fast as well, and i'm still unsure about my career, and of course, my father isn't very helpful regarding that.

I just want to sleep, i want to sleep the entire day and never wake up, i feel tired every second, songs all sound the same, games arent fun anymore, i feel incredibly lonely, i'm craving SOME interaction that isn't stressful, since the only people i interact with in my life are the ticking time bombs that i call dad and sister, and my boss. I just want to be heard, i want someone that i trust will have my back should things fall apart, because i fear everything is about to fall apart.

I want to die, i know i will die soon, i know i have no hope, but i don't have the balls to do it, i can't bring myself to do it, but i just want everything to be over, i want to scream as loud as i possibly can, i want someone to hear me

I am sorry, i failed at life, i failed my sister, i failed my father, i failed myself.