u/chicoey3sdontlie

they seem completely pointless. is anything worth it if im angry or sad? it feels like it's jst waste of time and energy. i wanna be emotionless, which doesnt sound possible tho. still i just hate emotions sm. life would have been a lot better without it. being logical is way better than ts. mostly in my case, having emotions only leads me to depression, sadness, and guilt. i dont even get how to express myself and open up with others as if sharing seems to be emotional vulnerability. uh i just hate myself sm for this.. even after all this, guess what? ion wanna change myself.

I do feel like this. it sucks to be in a relationship as if it's kinda suffocating.

according to my partner, i wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. nd tht time, I was dealin' with my own emotions, couldn't able to figure out wht do i actually wnt, started hating affection from him tht he was showing. so, I have ts habit to isolate myself when I can't figure out anything. I ended up deleting all my socials n all for a month ig.

to my surprise, when we connected a lil after a month, dunno why I didn't feel like talking to him anymore. it was like Im reluctant to provide him the emotional support that he needs. I just wanted myself to be busy. perhaps I ended up hurting him in all of ts, but ion feel too guilty?

btw, few days before deleting all my socials n all.. I had forwarded him a audio at late night that I had alrdy sent to another guy in evening, describing how my day actually was (I was bragging 'bout the incident in frustration, nm). and my partner asked since when did I started recording abt my day (cause ion record audio usually, I jst write them in journal)..so to this, I replied that I had just recorded that audio, instead of saying tht I had sent this audio to a guy before it was sent to him. if you're wondering why I said ts, 'cause I was so confused if he'll get hurt if I say him the truth (he was alrdy in so much family prblms I would say, so didn't wnt to hurt him either) and lying didn't feel like the right thing to do.. so the most neutral response I felt to say was this. (btw I feel like justifying my mistake tho, if it is so, then I'm so sry) he then asked why was I lying to him. at this point, I didn't know wht to say further..but then accepted the fact. he got hurt, mentioning that the truth wouldn't have hurt him the way the lie did, and that I broke his trust.

I felt guilt after doin all ts, couldn't figure out my own emotions. my emotions mess up too hard. I js hate emotions, cause I can't figure out my own, eventually I js prefer to be logical rather than emotional.

and btw before deleting all my socials, I had alrdy told him that I don't feel like talking to anyone for no reason. I wanted some space to clear my head and figure things out.

so when I connected with my friends n all again, he asked me if I was busy for so long. I said no, even though I was as I started focusing on myself & tried to be more productive as well as disciplined. he asked ts again, nd I said no I wasn't. most prolly this hurted him too!? he used to ask my friend if she has talked to me or not. then after a few days, he wrote a too long mail (as I was inactive in social media) describing how he has been feeling.. and he isn't even getting the bare minimum efforts in a relationship. well ik he loves me sm and puts too much efforts. moreover he pointed out all my past mistakes n all (maybe out of anger or frustration). but wht was I supposed to do now with my past mistakes, even though I had said sorry for all of that and accepted those!? btw in that mail he also mentioned that he has bpd.

well I replied to that mail in a calm tone tho, and again accepted all my mistakes.

but I dunno, why I'm starting to hate him suddenly? I used to hate the hug emojis/gifs that he used to send when I was messing up with my emotions. but i didn't say all ts to him, as he was alrdy havin his own problems, moreover I felt like saying this will hurt him. it has been a month I hadn't talked to him and didn't try to connect w him. idk, but I feel like if I talk to him he'll dump his problems on me.

altho Im a listener and can listen to other's problems but now after all of ts I don't wnt to listen his prblms anymore as I fear if he'll again blame me for each n everything.

after all ts, ik it's my fault too. I alrdy accepted those and said sry for each one of them. didn't repeat them either. what else can I do? and idk if I'm having bpd of not. but all I want right now is some mental clarity and stability. but I don't wanna be the one walking away & hurt him. idk wht to do. he'll get hurt either ways eventually. also, for the next 2-3 years I'll have to focus more on myself. I don't wanna focus on all of this relationship issues that doesn't contribute in my future anyways. I'm jst hoping he jst doesn't come up with his issues again for the next 2-3 years. I js want some stability till then at least.

the thing I figured out is, maybe I function better when I have more personal space and fewer emotional obligations. I feel like getting too close emotionally to a guy and tht kinda love weakens me. why am I supposed to share each n every incident to him!? okk even if I share, what if someday in arguments he bring that up? Or after a argument, he discloses the secrets 'bout me to others. idk, maybe I have trust issues?

neither i know how to decline other's requests once they're close to me, nor knowing the way to express my emotions. I don't wanna hurt anyone, but at the end i mess up everything.

I just feel like stepping away from all the mess I've created and taking some time to sort myself out. perhaps spending some time on my own will help me understand myself better and deal with all of this more clearly.

gng jo bhi dummy liye ho, dont u guys feel lonely smtimes nd lackin' social connections?
perhaps if i was in ur place, i would have burnout till the end of ts journey (dunno, it's jst my so-called assumption) so, is dummy better or regular schooling?

ig vkt sir thoda adv lvl pdhate. rest i dunno. whom do u guys prefer n why

how y'll r doin' gng?

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kisiko kch v rant krna ho to kroo..i'll listen without any judgement tho. 😋☝