u/chloez0mbi3

I had such a hard time going to the bathroom because of the toilets. I was absolutely terrified of them and I cried most of the time. I purposely stopped eating so I didn't have to go to the bathroom in public or for road trips and whenever I really had to go I went in the same stall with my mum. I didnt know why I was so terrified of them and what made me avoid them so much.

I never knew what autism meant or why it existed for half of my life and I never knew how to express why I had such a deep seated fear of toilets and how could you manage the fear so I stuck with it for the majority of my life. I knew that I was a little different because the classes I went to in public school were IEP classes, and I definitely got treated differently by other students out of those classes.

17 years later my mum decided for me to get evaluated for autism because right around my highschool/middle school years I was struggling so much to function in public schools. Turns out I had level 2, and now I know why little me was so terrified. It was because of how loud they were, and sometimes the water would splash everywhere. It overwhelmed my senses and it made me have a meltdown.

Did anyone experience something like this when they were little too?

about a year ago i had a relationship with a guy in my mathematics class and i enjoyed talking to him even if i really dislike small talk. i was diagnosed autism level 2 and adhd so i was trying to get out of my comfort zone in the manner of socializing and i was forcing myself to speak. and well, i indefinitely lost a part of myself in the process of pursuing what i thought will make me joyful again, but in the end it made me isolated like i was from the very beginning.

revealed he liked me beyond friendship boarders, and I'm not sure if I really had those bold feelings to him back. because simply i have a restricted sense of feeling certain emotions or ideas. everything was going well. months later he suggested that i should go to his house in the middle of the night when everyone's sleeping. i was hesitant at first, but he just kept nudging me on. after that night, i felt extremely dreadful and guilty and that i knew i was just used for nothing but my body. here and they say intimacy like that should feel warm and embracing. i felt nothing of it.

a week later, he messaged me saying that we should part ways because he wants to be more faithful and extend his religious beliefs towards god and that he needs to pray. like he was justifying his actions with religion. i was thrown off. he never established or even expressed these boundaries with me before.

in response, i wrote him a letter and gave it to my older sister to give it to him at school because i found it easier to write than text when i was overwhelmed and stressed.

in that letter, i explained to him that he never expressed those needs to me and that he lacked accountability.

turns out, from my older sister, he crumbled up the letter and used the excuse that he couldnt read my handwriting and proceeded to gossip around the whole school about it. i was homebound, meaning that i was medically excused for the rest of the year and doing online schooling. and everyone in my family compliments on how my handwriting is so neat, and he pulls that for some reason?

a year from now, and here i am. still trying to figure out the emotions where i can't feel or understand. i have a job now, its wonderful so far. things feel different when you let go of things that you thought was beneficial to you once in life, but now not. i cut off all of my friends and online ones because i just had enough. i even avoid small talk at my work because its so overwhelming. spending my nights playing fallout new vegas on my xbox 360 seeking comfort again.