u/christmastreecosy

If anyone has any support or just a comment to say I hear you I would appreciate it as I have nobody in real life to talk to about this and I just feel so alone that I’m asking Reddit for validation I know that’s pretty pathetic

My early childhood is a bit of a sob story I find it all so embarrassing. My dad committed suicide when I was almost 2 and then my mums new boyfriend abused me from age 3 to nearly 7.

I remember him telling me he was sick and I had to help him or he would die like my dad and I remember feeling uncomfortable because I already just didn’t really like him. He got me to masturbate him and massage his penis. He would give me chocolate if I did it. He would also show me porn and once I asked him to put up a dvd game for me and he pulled up graphic fetish porn and said it was what friends did. I ran away terrified because I knew he wanted to do that to me. I ran up the stairs thinking he was chasing me and I still feel the hand reaching my back except he didn’t move a muscle and when I looked back he was just standing still grinning at me.

I remember him trying to get me to give him a blowjob but I don’t remember if I did. I also remember lying in his bed and him standing over me but not remembering anything else or specific. I remember lots of memories of being in bathrooms with him but again nothing specific. I was always trying to get away from him and I was really uncomfortable.

I would daydream about being locked in cages forced to orgasm for him which is so disgusting but I don’t remember how I even associated him with orgasm in the first place which is another terrifying thing

And after all of that I just feel like it should have been worse. He was obsessed with these two murdered girls in a specific murder case. I know I got lucky compared to them. But I also feel like a fraud. I don’t know. I wish I knew what happened.

This is awful and so embarrassing to write out but I need some kind of help with exploring this detail. It’s actually really disgusting I know.

I was abused age 3-6 and I remember some things clearly but anything done to me is much more hazy (I remember clearer getting to do things for him.)

Anyway as a child aged 6-9 or so I would daydream about being locked in a cage naked and forced to orgasm for him by pooping. The feeling was accurate. But in my daydream I would rescue the other children and we would escape.

How did my brain connect orgasm to him when all my memories are of doing stuff to him?? It is frightening.

HELP. My next baby is going to be a team green but I have my girl name sorted. But if baby is a boy I am stuck between Casper or Gabriel. I adore them both equally. I was leaning on Casper but then get disappointed I might not get to use Gabriel so I stick with Gabriel then get disappointed I can’t use Casper then go round and round. I thought about just going Casper Gabriel but then I’d be disappointed if I had another son and had done that but of course that’s no guarantee…do you see how much of an overthinker I am! 😅

I have two other children, a boy and a girl, I don’t want to say their names but Casper flows better with my son’s name and Gabriel with my daughter’s. But then I’m not too hung up about sibsets anyway as either works really. Anyway, I don’t know what to plunk for. I could just wait until birth but I really like having a set name!

I was doing so well then saw my abuser’s (uncommon) name and spiralled. I feel a bit ridiculous really. It always comes back to needing validation and having nobody to turn to. So I need to vent

When I was 2 my dad committed suicide and it was my mum’s new boyfriend who was my abuser. we ended up living with him when I was 3 until almost 7. He would show me porn, really graphic fetish porn. He would get me to ‘massage’ his penis and I would feel horrible about doing it. He would always say things about how he was bad and I was good but as time went on I saw him as my archenemy and he would enjoy this. I would say I hated him and I think he started to hate me. I once asked him to help me get a game up on the computer and he said ok the. Put on porn saying it was my friends and what friends did to each other. I ran away and felt like a hand was about to reach me but when I looked back at him through the stair bannister he hadn’t moved an inch and was just standing there smiling the coldest smile I’d ever seen. He would follow me into bathrooms and say weird things I didn’t understand. He was trying to get in to the hot tub with me on holiday and things like that. I was always trying to hide from him.

There is so much patchy memory too. I remember lying in a bed and him standing next to me but dont know what happened. I remember being in his bathroom and him trying to get me to give him a blowjob but I don’t know if I did.

I used to have fantasies of being locked in a cage prison naked forced to orgasm for him. How did I learn to associate him with orgasm??? It terrifies me that I dont know.

He was obsessed with murdered girls too. My mother dumped him and we quickly left after he got more unhinged and she was worried about me but I told her nothing was happening.

I feel so much that it wasn’t that bad and also wish I knew what I don’t remember