u/chrosoka

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This is a message to myself first and foremost tbh.

Human beings generally tend to perceive things being easy or easier whenever they see other people do it. With how much passion and emotions there is in football, we tend to believe that our judgment can't be mistaken.

"What are you talking about, bring tchouameni, he's a megastar way better than any other target".

But here we have to unfortunately steal a leaf from liverpools book.

I remember back then all liverpool fans AND KLOPP wanted Julian Brandt, but the analysis and data team had way different and astonishingly better idea. They bought salah. Because underneath all the hype, what wins is the analytical model of fitting in the right profile of players into the system.

Again still pealing off the scourers book, I remember when they were rebuilding their entire midfield, they bought macallister, szobozlai, granverberch and endu. I was really confused and excited bcz I thought surely that's their downfall. Who's their matic, who's their kante, the destroyer, the ball stealer. In my mind I just adore those types of players and think any system without them is fragile.

However, when I saw szobo allister and granvenberch running like mad dogs latching onto players and annoying the life out of them, I was really astonished by that. They're a menace, they don't rest and let no one rest.

So the moral of my story is that, none of us wanted chicharito, or anderson or park ji song. But at the same time, none of us true manutd fans can express how much we adore those players. Who'd you rather have had, another di maria like shiny striker or another chicharito?

To bring this to our midfield pursuit context, I'd rather a mad tidy dog like alex scott, running his ass off, fond of the club for choosing him, getting paid similar wages to his colleagues who are on the same kind of wages with no grudges, comparison and darama. Where effort is rewarded and status and money rise with sacrifice and hard work, rather than go looking for the perceived shiny object and be bullied by smaller teams who are playing smart.

Football is becoming a very competitive and dangerous business. Palace are winning trophies and going to europe. Same are brighton. Villa were fighting relegations 3-4 years ago and bar our recent 3rd finish they've been perceived superior to us, despite all our history.

We have to calm down and trust the process, that same process that bought us the amazing attacking trio we have now!!

Recurring dream about impulsively agreeing to marriage, then panicking at the wedding

Archetypal Dreams

I've had this recurring dream 3 or 4 times over the past 7 years. It's not frequent, but it's always essentially the same dream.

In it, I somehow agree to marry a woman almost on a whim. Usually someone suggests it, or it's done in a moment of excitement, and I think, "Why not?" without really considering what I'm agreeing to.

Then, when the wedding day arrives and the ceremony is actually about to begin, I suddenly realize the enormity of what I've done. I panic and think, "This is terrible. I don't even love this woman. I barely know her. Why did I agree to this?" From that point on, all I want to do is escape before the ceremony starts. The feeling is intense panic, like I've trapped myself in a life-defining commitment that I never truly wanted.

What's interesting is that the dream isn't about being forced into marriage. I always chose it myself, but almost absentmindedly or impulsively. The panic only comes when the commitment becomes real and irreversible.

I'd be interested to hear different interpretations rather than looking for one "correct" meaning.

For a very long time, I’ve tried to have a healthy relationship with social lubricants. I’ve always despised them and built a lot of theories around how they should be withdrawn in order to unveil “true” relationships. The only healthy lubricant, after ruminating on this idea for years, seemed to be shared foundational principles/morals that two people build a relationship on top of.

At the same time, I can’t fully commit to that idea either, because life often feels so lame without these lubricants. Unfortunately, the stronger the lubricant is, the more powerful the pull feels, and the closer people seem to become because of it.

For example, I’ve never drank alcohol, but being in college, the FOMO around YOLO nights, club nights, and all that was absolutely decapitating. As a puer, it fueled this weird limbo state in me where I simultaneously despised that world and deeply wanted to dive headfirst into it. Later on, I realized this probably became part of my shadow.

Two years into college, I got into nicotine smoking, and ever since, I haven’t really been able to put that beast down no matter how hard I tried. It has lessened a lot, I’ve restricted it mostly to social events, sometimes hookah only, but to this day, I barely remember enjoying or even planning a social outing without nicotine attached to it somehow.

The sad part is that I already struggle to find friends I genuinely relate to and actually want to be around. But even then, no matter who it is, especially in the dopamine age we live in, being present with people who are themselves anxious, addicted, overstimulated, etc., without some kind of lubricant just feels… empty.

I also grew up in a household where my parents struggled immensely to enjoy life hedonically. They always leaned toward loving suffering itself and attaching meaning to sacrifice. They almost enjoyed cutting people off because they perceived it as noble, part of some “meaningful suffering.”

So my actual question is this:

Do I have to completely demonize nicotine?

Do I have to give it up entirely in order to adhere to my principles and actually unlock my potential?

Or is it okay if I keep it controlled and limited?

Because whenever I imagine cutting it off completely, I can only picture life becoming grey and lame while everyone else is still enjoying these dopamine-maxing moments or using them as crutches to go through life. Especially as a puer, I struggle to even envision those moments without nicotine attached to them somehow.

And this extends beyond nicotine too. It feels like every dopamine-potent thing becomes a catastrophic trap for someone with ADHD:

Sugar feels terrible. Nicotine feels terrible. Alcohol feels like a curse.

Sometimes it genuinely feels like conquering ADHD/puer tendencies is harder than what “normal” people can ever achieve.

I guess this is where concepts like libidinal energy come in. But even then, my brain keeps pointing out examples like Dr. K still playing video games despite openly discussing how they affected him negatively. So where is the line between healthy engagement and self-destruction or moral contradiction and self agency?