u/clandestineivy

have been seeing a M30 for about 1-2 months. we have been enjoying time together, talk every day on and off, and have just been going on dates once a week and things have turned intimate. things seem to be going down a path of being possibly serious if it continues as he has brought up future plans/date ideas/me meeting his friends and family. however, we have not had the exclusive bf/gf convo. i am F27 and recently got out of an unhealthy and long term relationship; the connection with this new guy was unexpected but i think he’s been trying to be super respectful of me and my situation i got out of months ago which is why we are pacing things.

we were hanging out tonight and he brought up his plans for the week that included seeing a friend (female and told me her name) for lunch 1:1. he brought up that this friend was going to be his plus 1 to his sisters wedding that he is a groomsman in. the wedding is in 3 months/october. he started to hint that he’s going to need to talk to her about it. i couldn’t fully understand what he was getting at but he said he was going to frame as seeing if she is still interested in going. it was almost like he didn’t want me to be unaware but he also feels he should tell her he is seeing someone as well since she’s technically his date. he sort of sarcastically said “that’ll be a fun conversation.” he told me that she won’t be jealous or have any problems with me, it’s more that she’s going to all of the wedding events as his plus one and it’s a calendar commitment for her of multiple days to take off for. i obviously told him to follow through with the plans as that’s what they had set. on a sidenote, i do not want to come off as controlling jealous or overboard, especially as we have not put an official label on “us”… but it stood out to me that they are meeting up 1:1 for lunch and he asked her to his date to all the wedding events a while ago. can i get some other takes on this situation just to get out of my own head? running through all these possible scenarios as i really don’t want to be involved in a love triangle so to speak or be the “other girl.” ultimately, a talk with him is the best way to hash out answers but figured i’d seek some opinions. thanks!

DETAIL: he asked her to be plus one before we started talking.

my relationship of 8 years is currently in a place of no communication. a little over a month ago, we got into a large argument and i have since said i just need space/time away from communicating.

for the context of this post, our relationship started off rocky in 2018. he was recently broken up from an ex and i had a boyfriend at the time he told me he loved me/got feelings for me. we were in college and things were messy with me developing feelings and entering our relationship while trying to figure out leaving the one with my ex. quite honestly, it was a caught in the middle situation between my ex and current 8 year partner (i was young could’ve handled it better).

i remember being forthcoming to my partner (at the time) that i just did not want to rush into anything and force into a relationship because i was feeling connected still to who i had been with prior and wanted to fully move on. as it was 8 years ago, i do not recall specific comments or arguments but i just remember getting responses and feeling a bit of pressure to start a relationship, having to explain myself about why i had feelings for the ex still, what my intentions were, etc. / ultimately, i ended up studying abroad and went on my trip communicating that i want to be with him but he was aware of my attachments. when i was on my trip, we got into a blowout argument one night when i was “out” with my group. i remember him screaming at me on the phone, me crying on a curb, he punched a hole in a wall at his house, and it was so bad that my friend had to take my phone and tell him to calm down with me. i believe it stemmed from him knowing i was out and i told him a group of guys bought some of us drinks. during the trip, i began noticing things like just wanting to talk to me a lot, know what was happening, asking me questions about who was around, things that happened, and arguments of that nature.

ultimately, during this trip, i continued to talk to my ex and him simultaneously. it was dumb. and it was dumber that i was not honest about my contact with my ex. truly, i think it was a mix of me being a person who wanted to keep peace and avoid conflict but also i was seeing his reactions / outbursts / possessiveness at the time and was afraid of what my choices would cause, particularly when i had expressed i just didn’t feel ready to fully jump in yet to a relationship and he didn’t seem to like that.

anyhow, for years, i have been dishonest and keeping the lie of how my ex and i officially ended communication/contact when i returned from my trip (he thought it was before my trip) and that i bought him a souvenir hat (my ex posted a photo on insta of the country related souvenir and my partner got angry and i lied about buying it instead of being honest). those are the two big ones, but over time, the fights continued, they escalated with name calling screaming yelling accusations wanting to see what i was wearing etc. my roommates were concerned and distanced themselves and i even had a random college acquaintance message me saying they saw him yelling at me aggressively in the car and wanted to make sure i was okay. needless to say, i ended up lying about a lot. i have done lots of self reflection am not proud and know i messed up, but i can’t help but feel my dishonesty was out of fear of his reactions and the massive fights we would have and how nasty and intense they would get with screaming crying.

my partner has returned to the topic of my ex and the hat throughout our 8 years and recently something triggered him to ask about it, he threatened to message my ex, and i ended up coming out about the dishonesty and told the truth about it all. at first, things weren’t terrible until he eventually began to say he was done and it was over YET he kept talking to me. for days straight, i begged him not to leave, to show him i can change, to prove myself and to show i recognize my faults and his hurt. even doing this, he began pulling out old screenshots and showing me how bad i’ve always been and things did escalate into name calling (slut who’re bitch), interrogating about specific details i couldn’t remember, if i said i didn’t remember, he would tell me im not saying what he wants to hear, insulted my family’s morals (fuck you and your family’s fucked up moral compass), accused me of going outside my house one night to have sex with someone when i never even left, brought my political views into it, got mad at me for talking to my friend about it (he heard me typing while we were on a phone call; he was yelling at me not letting me talk would hang up block me then call back so i was talking to her for support i was so stressed) but just said some very demoralizing manipulative things. he even threw out there that my dead loved ones would be disappointed in me if they knew about my lies and behavior.

i ended up feeling extremely broken after days of trying to make up and him beating me down… that i eventually asked for some space. he then called me 8 times in 10 mins and texted me 15 saying i better hope he doesn’t die at work and that he saw me driving (tracked my location). later that night, i suspected he was trying to log into my snapchat bc of notifications i was getting although i don’t have official confirmation. we ended up calling on the phone days later when he’d calmed down and we did say we wanted to work on things and he said he was sorry he hurt my feelings but i said i needed time to process and he responded by asking if id ignore him again, told me how bad a few days of space was for him, wanted me to promise not to do it again, and just said other things that didn’t sit right with me as far as shifting blame and wanting me to do a lot of the proving/making up. the day or two after that, i wasn’t texting him all the time- just here and there as i said i wanted time to process- he ended up making some passive aggressive comments to me about it which really disappointed me and showed me how self-centered his thinking was/is. after that is when i really nailed in that i just needed time away from communicating as i was beginning to have panic attacks, nightmares, headaches, shaking all the time, the sight of his name on my phone gave me hot flashes, sweats, heart racing, etc. after explaining all that, he sent flowers once and said he “hears me” and i can have space but has never acknowledged or responded to any of my feelings i’ve expressed.

overall, i have made progress in setting this boundary and holding it for the first time, gaining clarity about a lot of this behavior in our 8 years, and really doing deep thinking. a part of that is me feeling like this is all my fault and what if it’s me that’s the monster? what if my dishonesty is what fueled this behavior? i just got back on social media and his mom posted two things about playing a victim is avoiding consequences for what you caused and it seemed very oddly timed considering i just got back on/changed my profile photo and she doesn’t have many posts like that. i can imagine him telling his side of the story and i just am really spiraling right now that i maybe have done so much wrong… particularly long ago and now for taking space the way i have. i know the relationship is not healthy and i think i know i can’t return but i am trying to build my confidence and how i end it is another conversation another time.

anyone else feel like they go crazy and they are at fault for abuse? what if your mistakes caused it? i’m losing my mind and need some reassurance but honesty!

my relationship of 8 years is currently in a place of no communication. a little over a month ago, we got into a large argument and i have since said i just need space/time away from communicating.

for the context of this post, our relationship started off rocky in 2018. he was recently broken up from an ex and i had a boyfriend at the time he told me he loved me/got feelings for me. we were in college and things were messy with me developing feelings and entering our relationship while trying to figure out leaving the one with my ex. quite honestly, it was a caught in the middle situation between my ex and current 8 year partner (i was young could’ve handled it better).

i remember being forthcoming to my partner (at the time) that i just did not want to rush into anything and force into a relationship because i was feeling connected still to who i had been with prior and wanted to fully move on. as it was 8 years ago, i do not recall specific comments or arguments but i just remember getting responses and feeling a bit of pressure to start a relationship, having to explain myself about why i had feelings for the ex still, what my intentions were, etc. / ultimately, i ended up studying abroad and went on my trip communicating that i want to be with him but he was aware of my attachments. when i was on my trip, we got into a blowout argument one night when i was “out” with my group. i remember him screaming at me on the phone, me crying on a curb, he punched a hole in a wall at his house, and it was so bad that my friend had to take my phone and tell him to calm down with me. i believe it stemmed from him knowing i was out and i told him a group of guys bought some of us drinks. during the trip, i began noticing things like just wanting to talk to me a lot, know what was happening, asking me questions about who was around, things that happened, and arguments of that nature.

ultimately, during this trip, i continued to talk to my ex and him simultaneously. it was dumb. and it was dumber that i was not honest about my contact with my ex. truly, i think it was a mix of me being a person who wanted to keep peace and avoid conflict but also i was seeing his reactions / outbursts / possessiveness at the time and was afraid of what my choices would cause, particularly when i had expressed i just didn’t feel ready to fully jump in yet to a relationship and he didn’t seem to like that.

anyhow, for years, i have been dishonest and keeping the lie of how my ex and i officially ended communication/contact when i returned from my trip (he thought it was before my trip) and that i bought him a souvenir hat (my ex posted a photo on insta of the country related souvenir and my partner got angry and i lied about buying it instead of being honest). those are the two big ones, but over time, the fights continued, they escalated with name calling screaming yelling accusations wanting to see what i was wearing etc. my roommates were concerned and distanced themselves and i even had a random college acquaintance message me saying they saw him yelling at me aggressively in the car and wanted to make sure i was okay. needless to say, i ended up lying about a lot. i have done lots of self reflection am not proud and know i messed up, but i can’t help but feel my dishonesty was out of fear of his reactions and the massive fights we would have and how nasty and intense they would get with screaming crying.

my partner has returned to the topic of my ex and the hat throughout our 8 years and recently something triggered him to ask about it, he threatened to message my ex, and i ended up coming out about the dishonesty and told the truth about it all. at first, things weren’t terrible until he eventually began to say he was done and it was over YET he kept talking to me. for days straight, i begged him not to leave, to show him i can change, to prove myself and to show i recognize my faults and his hurt. even doing this, he began pulling out old screenshots and showing me how bad i’ve always been and things did escalate into name calling (slut who’re bitch), interrogating about specific details i couldn’t remember, if i said i didn’t remember, he would tell me im not saying what he wants to hear, insulted my family’s morals (fuck you and your family’s fucked up moral compass), accused me of going outside my house one night to have sex with someone when i never even left, brought my political views into it, got mad at me for talking to my friend about it (he heard me typing while we were on a phone call; he was yelling at me not letting me talk would hang up block me then call back so i was talking to her for support i was so stressed) but just said some very demoralizing manipulative things. he even threw out there that my dead loved ones would be disappointed in me if they knew about my lies and behavior.

i ended up feeling extremely broken after days of trying to make up and him beating me down… that i eventually asked for some space. he then called me 8 times in 10 mins and texted me 15 saying i better hope he doesn’t die at work and that he saw me driving (tracked my location). later that night, i suspected he was trying to log into my snapchat bc of notifications i was getting although i don’t have official confirmation. we ended up calling on the phone days later when he’d calmed down and we did say we wanted to work on things and he said he was sorry he hurt my feelings but i said i needed time to process and he responded by asking if id ignore him again, told me how bad a few days of space was for him, wanted me to promise not to do it again, and just said other things that didn’t sit right with me as far as shifting blame and wanting me to do a lot of the proving/making up. the day or two after that, i wasn’t texting him all the time- just here and there as i said i wanted time to process- he ended up making some passive aggressive comments to me about it which really disappointed me and showed me how self-centered his thinking was/is. after that is when i really nailed in that i just needed time away from communicating as i was beginning to have panic attacks, nightmares, headaches, shaking all the time, the sight of his name on my phone gave me hot flashes, sweats, heart racing, etc. after explaining all that, he sent flowers once and said he “hears me” and i can have space but has never acknowledged or responded to any of my feelings i’ve expressed.

overall, i have made progress in setting this boundary and holding it for the first time, gaining clarity about a lot of this behavior in our 8 years, and really doing deep thinking. a part of that is me feeling like this is all my fault and what if it’s me that’s the monster? what if my dishonesty is what fueled this behavior? i just got back on social media and his mom posted two things about playing a victim is avoiding consequences for what you caused and it seemed very oddly timed considering i just got back on/changed my profile photo and she doesn’t have many posts like that. i can imagine him telling his side of the story and i just am really spiraling right now that i maybe have done so much wrong… particularly long ago and now for taking space the way i have. i know the relationship is not healthy and i think i know i can’t return but i am trying to build my confidence and how i end it is another conversation another time.

anyone else feel like they go crazy and they are at fault for abuse? what if your mistakes caused it? i’m losing my mind and need some reassurance but honesty!