u/coopsoup247

The body was discovered last night by Star Wars Youtube grifter Mandalorian The Explorian who announced on his channel that "Lol, reviewers hate the movie. STAR WARS IS DEAD!"

The funeral will be held next Sunday as Star's lifelong friends George Lucas, Dave Filoni and Sam Witwer will speak about their fondest memories of poor Star. The coffin, containing every single copy of every Star Wars movie, TV show, book, comic, video game, will then be lowered into the lava of Mustafar, along with all the actors, writers, crew members and producers.

In a now deleted Instagram post, Rian Johnson announced the new Rey trilogy, which he said aims to continue the story of The Last Jedi.

In a now deleted Facebook post, Daisy Ridley said that the trilogy would be about "Proving that Rey is a better Jedi than Luke ever was."

In a now deleted Bluesky post, Mark Hamill said that he had already filmed scenes for it, mostly involving him having the shit beaten out of him by Rey.

In a now deleted MySpace post, Kathleen Kennedy announced her return to Star Wars.

Obviously none of the above is true, but an unfortunate proportion of people won't read beyond the first few words of the title before mindlessly hitting the share button.

It's just this really slow story, and Darth Plagueis is just not a character I care about. He just influences Midichlorians, and then gets killed in his sleep by his apprentice in a really unsatisfying way.

If I told that story, Plagueis would be a super buff Sith Lord who has a lightsaber duel with the Midichlorians over lava. And then Plagueis reveals himself to actually be Obi-Wan Kenobi's father. Then, when his apprentice tries to kill him, they have a big lightsaber/force duel over a bottomless pit. And Plagueis has to win of course.

And then Darth Vader shows up, and he slaughters a bunch of Midichlorians in a hallway, before fighting Darth Plagueis. It ends in a draw, and they go to fight Darth Maul.

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In my official role as a Star Wars fan, I declare that this is what all Star Wars fans want.

Fancy a Strawrerry Daiquiri with White Bum and Lime Joice?

Or a Mojito with Wikte Rom?

Or a Pornstar Martini with no ingredients whatsoever?

So I can see how Maul (Level 3 Sith, Level 8 fighter) could stand his own against two Inquisitors (both Level 6 Fallen Jedi.) But even with Devon (Level 3 Jedi, Level 1 Rogue) and Daki (Level 9 Jedi) to aid him, I can see no way how they'd be able to survive Vader (Level 13 Fallen Jedi, Level 4 Sith).

Maul had already lost hit points from earlier fights, and had -2 to Dexterity because of the leg injury. And although Vader has a permanent debuff to his movement speed, he still has insanely high Strength, Constitution, and Intelligence scores. And the fact he's able to cast Force spells multiple times a day should make it easy enough for him to kill Maul.

And how did Vader not kill Devon?? Her armour class is quite low, but somehow he kept rolling Nat 1s.

To those out there arguing "It makes a better story for Maul and Devon to escape", I say No. I want my Star Wars shows to be written solely based on the statistics from the character sheets I've imagined for everyone. Not based on good storytelling.

Enough of these Mara Jade fancasts, I wanted to share my fancast for Jacen Solo.

Han and Leia's son, trained as a Jedi, but turns to the dark side; I think Adam Driver could do a good job. He's a great actor who gave a spine chilling performance on Bob's Burgers.

I've mocked up a couple of ideas for how he could look in the role.

J.J Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan originally had a man named Strayt Whiteman as the main character.

But then the evil Kathleen Kennedy said "Mwahaha, no, you shall make ME the main character in Star Wars!"

And so Kennedy created an alter ego called Daisy Ridley, and played Rey in the movies, demanding more and more force powers as the films continued.

Why will no-one stop her?! 😭

Okay, this is going to be a major escalation in the ongoing Mara Wars, but the real Mara casting should be the character model from Mysteries Of The Sith. Over 12 polygons, triangle boobs, it's what every Star Wars fan dreamed of!

Mara Jade was a secret assassin for Palpatine. Having already played Starkiller and Maul, both of whom secret assassins/apprentices, he'd be perfect for Mara Jade.