u/courtiland

Two months ago I rescued a ~9 month old terrier mix. She’s an excellent dog, and I enjoy being with her most of the time. Fortunately my current work schedule allows me lots of time to bond and train with her. When I do go to work, she goes to my grandma’s house. I don’t intend for this to be a permanent solution, it’s just what works for us right now.
However, this leads me to the major issue I’m having with her. She shows signs of separation anxiety and confinement anxiety, and I’m overwhelmed. When I brought her home, I had the best intentions of crate training her. When she showed confinement anxiety, I left her free and she would just lay on the couch if I ever had to leave her. We’ve been taking crate training slow, playing games and such with it. At first she was happy to play along but never settled inside. Currently, two days out of my work week require me to leave her home alone for an hour or so to wait for my grandma to come pick her up. This was fine until she started refusing to potty before I left; those times, she peed on two separate beds while I was gone. I’m willing to try anything, but I’m not willing to let her practice making bad choices while we figure it out. So since then I’ve crated her every time I’ve left, which has understandably been a catalyst for her separation anxiety to get worse. I never force her in; she goes in on her own, just doesn’t settle once inside.
I don’t know how we’re going to get through this. As these things sometimes do, it feels like we go one step forward and two steps back. I worry that she’s starting to not trust me/her environment. If anyone has been through this before, and can offer me genuinely helpful advice, I’m all ears.
Important to note:
**Gates/pens are not an option. She jumps over.
***she LOVES grandmas house. she is not anxious about me leaving her with grandma.

Each day with her includes 1-2 walks (45 mins to an hour, with lots of pauses to sniff), 1-3 training sessions (5-10 mins each, only if it feels fun for both of us), play time in the evening as well as structured time where I’m encouraging her to settle while we go about our business. This part is hit or miss. Not sure what I could be doing wrong. I’m just so overwhelmed and so is she.

For context, she’s been a lifelong friend to me and one of my favorite people in the world. We haven’t been as connected lately, but we are both very busy adults. We’ve had disagreements in the past, but were able to move on with no harm done. This time feels very different.
About a month ago, she took my son for a haircut after I asked her not to and brought him back absolutely chopped. I was devastated. I was upset at the situation but I knew she meant well, and I didn’t feel it was worth fighting about, so I didn’t say too much about it (especially to protect my son’s feelings). However, my husband did tell her “never again” though I don’t think she took him seriously.
The other day, she came to pick up my son from the daycare where I work to spend some time with him. Immediately upon arrival, she said she was going to take him to get a haircut. I very firmly said no, and when she asked why, I explained why. I tried to be matter-of-fact about it, as I said, I didn’t feel it was worth fighting over so I left my feelings out. It seemed as though she tried pushing back, saying things like “but” and “I just..” but ultimately never acknowledging my no, which I repeated. At that point she tried to walk out with my son. What I meant by what I said next was that if she wouldn’t acknowledge that I was serious, he would stay with me. What I said was, “fine, he can stay with me then.” At that point she left him and then texted me calling me an a-hole, a b*tch, and that she “doesn’t f*\*\*\*” with me, among other things.
Here’s where I’m conflicted. First of all, there’s no one in my life that speaks to me this way. However, I’m not that close with many people. I’ve seen her click off crazy on others before, but has NEVER spoken to me this way in all my life. I can see why my firm “no” would upset her, but I am sure that I wasn’t mean. That’s why this all caught me so off guard and is so hurtful. I wasn’t even angry- just trying to prevent another haircut disaster. I ended up blocking her as she wouldn’t stop with the mean texts. I currently have no desire to unblock her. In my mind, forgiveness already happened the first time she crossed the boundary, when she took my son for a haircut after I said no. Her response in this situation was really hurtful and I have no desire to continue a relationship with someone so mean. My question is, am I being too sensitive? Do people normally just argue this way? This is a lifelong, close friendship with my aunt. I know that we will eventually need to talk about it, but I have no goal in mind. I just don’t know what to think.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for your time. I plan to talk with my therapist about it, I’d just like to hear what others think. Is this normal between adults?
TL;DR
I told my aunt she couldn’t take my son for a haircut after she’d already done so against my wishes and the haircut was terrible. In response, she called me a b\*tch and a bunch of other mean things. Not sure where to go from here.