u/crispycookiebooklet

I know it’s some kind of dumb advice people give, and it’s not necessarily out of bad faith but come on.
It’s illogical to think that an unattractive person (not average) will start getting genuine interest and desire because what? I got into a new game? I can yap about a particular subject?

It’s like pretty insulting how dumb people think I am to believe such nonsense lmao

it’s crazy how the looks change among my girls or even random people when I say I never got into a relationship or date or talking stage. I remember once a guy (stranger) who looked at me like I was a full on alien lmao. im glad I can joke about it and divert attention because if not it would be even more awkward. it doesn’t really hurt anymore but it’s so weird lmao

people won’t be trying with you at all. or if they give you anything it’s pebbles of attention. whatever issues you have, you know that if you were more attractive someone would at least try to see the whole of you and attempt to go somewhere with you romantically

like I’m so repulsive that the only instinctive response I get is straight up not being considered as an option.

and it’s even weirder to live through when you see other women (with their respective qualities and defects) with similar interests as you get decent partners. I’m not even sad sometimes and I just cock my head on the side, because this dichotomy, genuinely, should be studied.

i cannot bond over that basic experience of loving romantically and being loved romantically.

it’s just so frustrating bc as much as I don’t want to ‘compete’ with other women, it’s obvious how I’ve no proper shot in those.

the difference in treatment i observe between some of my friends and my experience is crazy.

genuinely makes me want to give up on dating because going on those was humbling and embarrassing for me

I want to share the moment with someone that i share a wonderful bond with and feel comfortable with.
i genuinely don’t want to lose it on a whim just for the sake of it, I would prefer it to be the start of an intimate journey with someone else. Even in friendship.

thats what makes it so draining because i genuinely can’t get that due to my appearance, lack of luck and what not.

at least some here don’t mind just losing their virginity just for the status. but for me it’s a journey and something where i should feel desired not to be a mean to an end (or to use someone as a mean to an end)

its hurtful to know you can’t achieve this kind of bond even for a little while with someone genuinely into you

it’s genuinely baffling how much hope I had for so long considering how obvious my lack of desirability is and how much prevalent this fi is in dating. I’m embarrassed to how much faith I gave to “having a good personality“ and how much time I gave to trying to reach genuine love and/or romance

So since I’m all alone out there, I’ll just speak to the void. Again, and again. Until maybe I lose my voice. Then hopefully I’ll also lose my thinking, and I’ll be alone, as always, but in peace and quiet at last.

I hate my own voice, my own thoughts, my own reality and my whole self.

I loathe it so much sometimes I think my organic systems will just shut down because they can’t handle maintaining such a pathetic and miserable woman like me, alive. 

And my eyes burn, against mirrors, and against environment, reality. It’s like I’m seeing doors I cannot open, only other can. And I, myself, have no doors but only caves. Dark and humid. Full of regrets and with only the past holding a flickering light at the end.

Talking about past, I see it again and again. All the words she said being now true, I know I should’ve thrived to live so long. I should’ve let go. Met the void, disappeared. 

But I didn’t. And every day I don’t I suffer more, while walking closer to salvation.

I can’t handle my own failure. How stupid I am, how mean I am, how disgusting I am, how deceitful I am, how ugly I am, how miserable I am, how ungrateful I am…

…how better I should’ve been.

How better I could’ve been.

How worse I am by all metrics.

And my life reflects that.

Not love but pity they give me. Because they see how better I should’ve been too. 

And pity, not like love, runs out. 

And I’ll turn around in the void, again. Alone.

So why do I thrive to be loved so much, when all proofs shows the strength of the impossibility?

Because like all beasts, I am stupidly driven by instincts. 

I am unlovable, and in a void of my own making.

Maybe one day courage will make my constant whimpering stop. 

I was never meant to be human, nor loved like one.

But even beast have love to give,

No one wants poison or rotten apples though.

it’s just like I’m not even living. I fill up my days with new hobbies and interests but when I’m with my friends, colleagues or other people my age (online or irl) and i hear them speak about their love life in general I just know I’ll never be able to relate or experience it. I’m grateful they at least try to boost me and not let me feel the gap, but at some point the gap will be too big to be filled with anything but despair

genuinely just want someone loving all of me.

being there for me.
and then I look at myself and I just know it won’t happen.

thank the universe pillows exist I guess.

I genuinely can hear the “where‘s your partner?” and see my friends share their lives with a SO when I stay alone.

the more I age the less it‘ll get better. I guess I should stick to the “independent, funny, ugly“ friend 💀

bc it would come by itself all the time. naturally and organically. ppl would line up and I would be able to genuinely enjoy someone else affection for once.

if the relationship doesn’t work ou? we break up, we are sad, but another one is gonna come around because I’m beautiful and I’ll finally feel like I’m worthy of a man attention. I’ll finally have a face to love.

but oh well…here we are.

my bad for the vent I just hate myself

you cry at night, because you know no amount of self pleasuring will make someone love you or share a moment of intimacy with you.

whatever I do it’s not enough because I just don’t look right. and I’ll never do.

I just wish I could relate in experience to all those songs I listen to.

I just suck like that.

i enjoy the things i do, how i evolve. im grateful of what I’ve and i want to keep growing ofc. but love isn’t about that. desire isn’t about that. it’s about things out of my control and it makes me sad because im too out of luck to be formed the way I am, in the environment I am in.

I just sigh as I observe the romantic love around me. funny how life is sometimes.

im not religious, so I can’t comfort myself by telling myself im waiting for marriage or something.

im waiting for someone to love me and desire me. Someone I can trust. no ‘marriage waiting’ Involved. which should make things easier but since im ugly and no man’s type or ideal its basically waiting for a unicorn. dating is hell in this case.

ao it leaves me with either: a) the pity party: being in a relationship with a guy even if I know he is obviously not attracted to me and he’s settling (bc a man will never value me genuinely since im not attractive).

or b) used sock: I go with a random guy one night to lose it and im disregarded like an old sock bc as usual he was there for sex only.

obviously none of those options satisfy me so I came with a secret third option: being lonely and unloved forever.

im venting and rambling here, but do you people have similar issues?

I write my dreams, hopes and aspirations in a relationship. I love writing. but I don’t love that the bliss of love and care stops at the end of my pen. I think it broke my heart so much over the years that I just feel static sorrow everyday. I wish someone loved and desired me like I see others have and how I imagine.

ive so much love in my ink that I would love to apply to someone real. just once.

I just want to feel less alone in this.

if it helps anyone open up I’ve a long list of undesirable traits: tall, black, facial hair, neck bumps, hairy, skinny, uncurvy/flat, large shoulders, manly facial trait, deep voice, etc.

hopefully we can bond over some of our experiences:)

listening to ‘I wanna be yours’ by Arctic Monkeys so that’s maybe why I’m feeling so elevated and gloomy at the same time lol.

but anyway just the title. Because over the hormones and freaky fantasies it’s what it comes down to.

im not desirable, im not lovable, at least not enough and pleasure, sex and intimacy will never be something I’ll experience in a genuine, caring, organic and loving manner.

i know the world and myself have bigger problems but sometimes when I drift out of my daydreaming i genuinely want to disappear in my own shadow because why does this reality makes my love and desire feel so disgusting.

i barely feel like a woman, let alone a human sometime.

anyway arctic monkeys are fire yall