u/cuffsandsauce_04

For context male (40) and female (35) we have been together for going on 7 years. I opened her door like 6 1/2 years ago, saw her and was like yup she’s the one. Since that day we spent almost everyday together. Laughing, and just combining families. She has 2 daughters and I have 1. Next thing you know we are building a house, and im watching her open the door with a tear in her eyes exclaim we have a house.

We get engaged literally weeks later. Wow wow wow…but as quickly as it moved forward…it started to move backwards. Like really silly little things, her divorce didnt happen in the same time frame that she originally told me. It wasn’t a year before we met, in fact she was just recently separated when we met. Then vaping…I vaped then…she would always laugh and say no she doesn’t vape even though I would find pods everywhere. Suddenly I found like 200 of them and she finally said yes yes I vape and could never explain why she would even lie
About something silly.

Then some other very bizarre things, but she was always so confident in her excuses or in convincing me my realty was wrong. Then it happened, I started to notice when I’d come home lots of beer would be gone. I mentioned it, and I’m convinced no 10 beers aren’t gone…I’m crazy. Then….i start finding it in drawers, then in the kids rooms…like everywhere. Over the course of like 2 1/2 years it just became overbearing and I was constantly blamed, or her family, or whatever situation she was in. One evening I come home, she’s hammered..goes off on me, is yelling…just the most nasty comments and I take my daughter and leave. Eventually everything settles down, and therapy…couples counseling…me going sober to join her. Months of bliss returned. She expresses so much to me, so much shame and guilt for the blame…for how she acted..for literally rejecting my love in moments when she knew I was excited to show her the dinner I cooked or a present or even a fun trip.

Then…roughly a year ago, Kratom appeared at our door. Kratom, had been mentioned months prior to be used to help her withdrawals. However with us BOTH doing the research we BOTH agreed it wasn’t best. But none the less…here it is sitting on our counter top. That very night, she downs one, hides it and we are off to the races. I’ve found countless cans, watched her become a different person, almost zero emotion and I’m getting angrier and angier. Zero fuse, constantly blamed…I come to her holding her hands, crying begging for her to open up to me…only for her to look at me and start blaming me for all of her drinking. My daughter has found it…she dismissed my daughter, told her I was crazy or making it up. No one in her family knows, her friends don’t know…she’s just this stunning beautiful funny girl, I’m now out of the house…trying to figure out my life while she screams as the victim…and I’m drowning in the pain of watching the love of my life slip away with every single sip of this god awful stuff.

Tl;dr
I have no idea what to do. My wife was addicted to alcohol, now kratom…and is just like a shell of a person. I’m out of the house and she’s playing the victim.

My Q and I have been together for going on 7 years. She’s an amazing person and I still love her deeply. Her addiction began with alcohol, where I found find beers all over the house. Just over and over and over again…no matter what I would do it would get worse. Finally she had a rock bottom moment, where the kids were involved and I had to remove myself and my daughter. After that, we worked through everything, she began therapy and we blossomed.

Blissful 5 months…until a box of kratom appeared on our kitchen counter. Like a huge box completely full. We had previously discussed Kratom agreed we didn’t want it in the house, and it’s not “sober” as we were both sober. I was supporting her journey. Well that very night she downed a can, hid it in the trash and the cycle returned. This time though has been so much worse. Cans upon cans of this stuff everywhere, even in her daughter’s drawers…my daughter found some while on a zoom call with her therapist…in which my Q said my daughter was misremembering.

Now that the kids are involved it just too emotional, I’m doing everything I can. Constantly trying to show support. She hit me with I’m going to across the country with my kids in a few days…deal with it. So my family had to cancel vacations, anniversary’s, plans, work accommodations to support her so she could go and help me with childcare.

We’ve had some beautiful talks, and we made a little progress. But yesterday, it finally happened. I found alcohol hidden..mixed with kratom. I begged her to tell me what to do, how I can support her. Then I found more empty Kratom cans in her purse. She spent July 4 at a party ignoring me, yelling at my daughter because she was just so
Upset. I had to call my ex wife to get her, and I left the house and stayed elsewhere once they were all back safe. Of course having her following me
Around the house screaming at me and belittling me as I’m packing.

One last time…I don’t know what to do.

For context my wife and I have been married for going on 6 years ago. 5 years ago I discovered alcohol hidden around the house. She even hid vaping from me for well over a year. The alcohol hiding kept going on and on…situation got worse when I found it hidden in our youngest daughter’s room. Well finally after therapy, and me telling her that I will join her in the journey and quit drinking as well because our marriage and the kids are worth more then a damn beer.

Months of bliss…we went out of town where she brought these Kratom drinks for us. We tried them, agreed we didn’t like it. At the same time I did research on them and was shocked at what I read. So we BOTH agreed to not have them in the house or drink them. A couple of months go by and we are great. One random day a huge box shows up and it’s full of kratom drinks. That very night she hid a can…within literally 30 minutes and lied, tried to convince me that I watched her drink it. Since then she has lied to my face multiple times, I’ve watched her personality change, zero reasoning, zero libido, and this stuff hidden EVERYWHERE. Well my daughter found it, and was like woah wtf…and then I found it again in the youngest kids room.

She is in complete denial, blaming me, saying she can’t be sober and with me. I’ve tried everything, I’ve approached it just the way she has told me to and all I get is anger and blame blame blame. I threw every single can I could find away last night and she is just irate with me. Says she is already divorced in her head…and it’s so sad because I know just like with the alcohol is the addiction talking. But like most spouses I feel so much guilt and just have no idea what to do.