u/cynoce

My inability to initiate really is the worst thing about me; I always need someone else to interact with me first, to give me that permission I suppose. Sometimes, when I do get off my ass for once and go out, people do interact with me. It's like the universe sensed my despair and decided to throw me a bone lol.

For instance: one night after a terrible adderall crash that exacerbated my misery and loneliness, I go out of my house and planned to go to a bar a block away. Unfortunately for me, the place fucking permanently closed, so my plans were kind of ruined. I sat at some gazebo and felt really down, kind of wishing someone would just appear and come up to me. Fortunately for me, someone did. We exchanged a few words, then I went home.

Tonight, I decided to take my cat for a walk. She didn't go very far, though, so I was just standing in front of my house. I was anticipating, or hoping, someone would acknowledge my cat since, well, cats aren't usually on a leash and it's a good conversation starter I suppose. Luckily, someone did and we exchanged a few words and she left.

Very shallow interactions, but I was very happy to have them. Too bad I'm so inhibited to start conversations myself. Hopefully I can work on my low self-esteem somewhat.

14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 —> spent having fun, making friends, living life

23 24 25 26 27 28 29 —> settling into your place in the world, knowing who you are

In conclusion: I should jump off a bridge

Solitude hurts but even the most mundane of interactions with some cashier or accidentally making neutral eye contact with a stranger always leave me with lingering shame and regret afterwards -- mostly with how fearful, awkward, and freakish I was. Going out always feels like entering a battlefield. Putting in so much energy to appear normal and pliant and not terrified out of my mind. Always suppressing my emotions. Never allowing anyone to see a glimpse of what's inside. No weakness. It's exhausting. But being in this room doing nothing (as I have been for most of my life) is mind-crucifying.

The last time I felt good alone was when I was in high school coming home from track. Still wasn't great at the time, still couldn't really extrude myself away from the friends I didn't really like and make new ones, but I felt good. I felt content enough. I was doing something. Now, every second I spend in this cage is misery. It's even hard to read or watch something with normal social things happening because it just reminds me of what I don't have. It feels like I lost the ability to make friends ages ago. What hurts the most though is the utter feeling of powerlessness, the existence where people engage with me first while I never, ever do so unless I'm comfortable enough around them or if only to fulfill some detached, professional objective. The fact I feel so agency-less against a world that enacts it's will upon me but never being able to enact my own will on the world is the most humiliating part. Not to mention frustrating. So completely unfair.

I don't know if I have avpd but I relate a lot. The thing is, I don't know what I have isn't just social anxiety coupled with ocd (both of which I've been diagnosed with). The ocd was there from day one and, for the longest time, I had thought ocd was just this torturous thing that made unclean surfaces stand out and put revolting intrusive thoughts into my head that made my hair stand on end, but I never thought it would also apply socially. Maybe it's the thing always stopping me with constant "what if, what if" when I consider talking to someone, or the ambient stream of doubt and self-hatred and worrying that others must see me the same way I do. Maybe years of this gave me avpd. Maybe there is no hope for me.