u/cypress345

The intangibility of my baby and our loss is hitting me so hard right now. People around us are supportive but I know for them they view this as an early loss and a life that never started whereas for my husband and I, it felt much more like a death with dignity decision we had to make for our child who would most likely have died in utero, or maybe after birth. I’m really grasping onto any ability to connect with our daughter and so we want to celebrate her on her due date in September and have something like our own little funeral ceremony to give some measure of closure to this period. It will just be my husband and I, but we’re not really spiritual people so there is also something awkward feeling about trying to do something “formal” with just the two of us. If you and your partner have honored your loss in a way like this, what did you do?

I had a saline sonogram and the doctor identified what she described as a thick band of scarring from a TFMR D&E. It sounded like part wasn’t impacted. I realized after I should have asked so many questions including about the severity and her suspicions about future fertility outcomes, but I know a lot depends on what she will see on the camera. But I did ask if this was the surgery she does commonly and if she has good outcomes generally for people with adhesions and she sounded really positive. I left feeling good, but in these weeks since and leading up to the surgery, I’m just so nervous and so scared about future fertility.

The doctor is great but the clinic is so hard to deal with so I’m hesitant to reach out with any more questions but I’m just wondering if anyone else has had adhesions that were described this way and how the procedure went for them.

CW: Not about TTC/pregnancy primarily but it’s mentioned

I am three months out and thought by this point, I’d still feel sad but able to function. And I guess I am able to function – I’m working, I’m seeing friends, I’m taking care of myself – but I am just constantly so sad. I feel sick to my stomach all day. Every morning I wake up and the remembering of everything feels like my insides are being pulled out. I thought exposure to the pregnant people in my life would make seeing them easier, but I’m getting more resentful. I’m no longer happy for them and I hate being this sad bitter person. But the sadness and grief also is all I have left of my baby. I think part of the challenge is that I thought I’d be TTC by now (which I know will come with its own stress and sadness) but I’m dealing with scarring from my D&E and the treatment of that is gonna take a minimum of two more months.

Obviously grief doesn’t end, but I’m wondering at what point you felt like you were on the upswing. Was it a certain distance from the event itself? Was it when the milestones like due dates passed? Was it when you were able to TTC? Was it when you did get pregnant?

I’m having a hard time telling if I’m in a normal unpleasant phase where “this too shall pass” or if I’m getting deeper into a trench I’m gonna have to dig even further to get out of.

There is a baby shower coming up for someone with the same due date as me. I thought I’d be up to going by now, a few months out, but my grief has only deepened and I can’t go without risking making an ass of myself. I tried to open the registry to buy something but seeing a list of all of these items I’ll no longer need broke me. What have you done for baby showers you’re not able to attend while grieving?

We TFMRed in March and were hopeful to start TTC immediately. But an RE identified scarring was in May and we just finally followed up with her this week. She recommends a hysteroscopy which she only performs once a month, it would be mid July as long as insurance approves it soon. Then, she wants me to take estrogen for a month improve lining. All sounds reasonable. And I’m happy to have a timeline. But I was, like so many of us are, hoping to be pregnant by due date, and it’s looking pretty impossible now. The idea of waiting two months sounds intolerable.

I’ve been trying hard to be positive (not my default state) about our likelihood of getting pregnant after and view this as time as pre-pregnancy. Perfecting supplements, getting into good routine with working out and meal prepping and regular sleep. And also trying to do some of the things I cannot do while pregnant for instance going scuba diving this weekend. And maybe scheduling a tattoo for a few weeks out.

Would love to know what other things have you done, or what mental reframes you have found useful to survive times like this. Thank you 🙏

I’m looking for books about grief, especially fiction, but I’m open to other genres as well. Grief over loss of a child preferably, but other forms of loss as well. I am reading Hamnet currently and the descriptions of their grief have helped me so much to find words for the emotions I’m feeling in aftermath of losing my pregnancy in the second trimester. Thank you 🙏

I’m on AA654 Miami to Seattle. Was feeling good but had a pretty steadily turbulent first hour and I’ve been slowly getting more and more anxious and panicky. They said it will be mostly smooth but with some turbulence. Trying so hard to expect it and not let it stress me. Thank you 🙏 🩵

I am 8 weeks out from my TFMR. I understand grief doesn’t go away and I also have some medical issues from my D&E that need to be addressed and are pausing TTC which I’m really struggling with. But I am shocked by the intensity of the emotional pain I still feel. I cry every day. Usually it’s just on my own or with my husband. But after listening to a coworker talk at lunch about how much her baby (with almost the same due date) was moving, I was so overcome with emotion I had to leave work. I sat in the parking lot sobbing and repeating “my baby is dead.” I can have fun and happiness, especially around people willing to acknowledge my experience and my baby, but most of the time I am just so sad. I often start crying and have to walk away from people or take a walk at work before people notice. Is it normal to still feel so emotionally volatile at this distance? If so, how far out you finally feel you weren’t at risk of emotional breakdown on a random day? And at what point does it stop being grief and become depression?

I’ve just started seeing an RE so I have no idea what’s normal.

I had a saline sonogram last week and they found adhesions but didn’t really describe the scope or severity of the issue. But they didn’t seem majorly concerned. I was told I would need surgery and they’d begin reaching out to insurance for preapproval. But messaged today and asked about timeline and was told that I couldn’t schedule it until talking with my doctor at a follow up appointment in two months. At that time, they’d begin to get preapproval through insurance and schedule me. I’m experiencing intense cramping from it and it will postpone our timeline for TTC and I’m just devastated. I figured we’d have to wait a few weeks but not til late July or August or beyond.

Wondering if I just need to suck it up or if this is a long time and it’s worth it to at least push for preapproval and scheduling sooner even if I can’t have it til after I meet with her.

TFMRed in March and found out at the RE’s last week through the saline sonogram that I have scar tissue that will require surgery to remove. I’m waiting to hear back from them about insurance pre-approval go schedule it, and hoping so badly I can get it scheduled this month.

I’m nervous about the procedure mentally being similar to the termination since I’ve started struggling a bit with that. I also have an active job and both work and personal trips planned in June.

If you went through this, what was the procedure like? How long did recovery take? Could you go back to work the next day? And how long after could you resume TTC?

My coworker who is also a close friend is due the same week I was. I expected it to be hard to see her, but I don’t think I understood the extent. I thought it would get easier as I’ve been back for weeks now but it’s getting harder as she is more noticeably pregnant and others bring it up more. It’s so hard having a reminder of exactly where I should be right now.

I thought I’d be better by now but I spent the last two weeks of work days crying quite literally every second I am not having to mask around people except for the day she was gone. I spend every commute and bathroom break and evening at home sobbing. Today I just finally clocked the pattern. Today I am sad and cried some but I’m able to function and take of myself and do some fun things with my husband. But there is this surge of dread about Monday.

Not seeing her is not an option. Both practically speaking since we work closely together, but also because she is a close friend and I don’t want to lose the relationship. Does anyone have practical tips for getting through the next few months? Techniques, cognitive reframes, types of therapy, literally *anything* that worked for you. Thank you 🙏

How long did you wait? We did the blood test on Monday (5/11) and it is through Quest diagnostics. Doctor said it could be 2-3 weeks and Quest portal says to check results on 5/23. So often the results come back sooner and I’m hoping that’s the case here too.

I’m absolutely overthinking this but am so eager for results because I’ll most likely ovulate around 5/19. I’m so hopeful for results by then so I know if we can try this cycle or if we need to pause and consider IVF. Our pregnancy we terminated for had Turner’s syndrome so it’s likely it was random and not inherited but there is always the chance. I’ve got some work I’ll be out of town for in July and with how wonky my cycle has been I can’t predict if I’ll miss that ovulation window too so it feels extra urgent to make the most of these chances.

Thank you 🩵

I’m 7 weeks out from my TFMR. People were right, in a lot of ways it does get better. I no longer feel like surviving the next minute/hour/day is incomprehensible. I’m not longer feeling the shock and immediacy and horror of the situation. But in some ways I feel worse. I’m just so sad. The grief and worry I’ll never hold a living child feels heavier every day.

I’m wondering what techniques, routines, practices, etc helped you take care of yourself and continue moving on once you survived the initial shock of the ordeal. Or I guess to word it another way, how did your practices of grief and self care transform as the loss of your baby moved more into the past?

I’m 6.5 weeks out from TFMR at 13 weeks on March 23. Following D&E I bled for a week then no spotting after. Thought I had my first period on April 25 because it followed the same pattern of length and flow I have normally but starting yesterday May 7 and continuing today I’m back to bleeding and cramping. Feels again like my normal period. Is it possible my cycle is so out of whack it’s only 12 days? I know it is usual for cycles to be irregular but I’ve not heard of them being so short and I’m trying to figure out what that means for timing ovulation. I’m fixated on it because I was hoping to start TTC this cycle.

I realized I don’t connect with some of the fear of flying remedies since my fear is centered entirely around turbulence at high altitudes and constantly anticipating that sudden drop feeling.

I know logically that takeoff and landing are the more dangerous parts but when we’re lower down, I’m not worried even when it’s turbulent. It makes sense to me why it’s happening and I understand I can’t control it and if it’s my time, it’s my time. But at 30,000 feet? If there is more than tiny bumps I feel panic setting in. I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of what my brain tells me is the inevitable plummeting before. I get the whole jello thing, it’s not the worry of the plane not being able to handle it, it’s the fear of big shaking or drops coming next. Being in a window seat and looking out has helped immensely but if we’re over clouds and I can’t look down to see what could be causing turbulence, I panic until it stops.

Beyond distraction and doing it anyway (both of which I do) are there any mental tricks or educational resources I could look into to help with this?

What was your first period after like?

It’s been almost 5 weeks post TFMR. I bled the first 5 days and then haven’t had any bleeding or spotting since then. Overnight last night I think I started my period but I completely stopped bleeding early this evening. I know I read the first cycles can be different than usual, but I expected more bleeding if anything. Did anyone else have a really light first period?

My OB wanted me to come in when it resumed for Day 3 blood testing for fertility. That would be Monday and I’m anticipating whether I need to move my schedule around that day or if this is a false alarm (and unfortunately I can’t call and speak with them til Monday). I also know it could maybe continue tomorrow but it’s not typical for my bleeding to totally stop like this in the middle