u/danio7o

Literally how the hell am I ever meant to like myself ?? I am dusgusting I just don’t get it I can’t picture anyone genuinely finding me attractive n my reality has confirmed that I feel like shit ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh no matter what I do how much I distract myself I still hate myself I’m not even shy or isolated I still live my life n approach ppl n solo travel n have hobbies n I have worked part time n full time im even in uni now n I still hate myself idk how I don’t have an 3ating disorder I mean I don’t think being skinny is the problem im already fit I just look like a man , lol I remember this one guy saying to me , most men don’t like black women but they always wonder what it’s like to sleep w them , I can’t even pull my own men cuz im so ugly bruh ong likeee , jealousy n resentment for anyone who is better than me which is basically anyone n pretty women eats me alive , idk where to put it omfggg

I’m 21 I knew I wasn’t never going to be beautiful when I was 12 n people would constantly comment on my appearance saying,compliment n recognise my friends and never me and I’ve been mistaken for a man numerous times or mistaken as trans even with a full face and long hair.

I’ve tried affirming that I’m beautiful it doesn’t work , I tried spirituality it doesn’t work , I’ve tried finding my style it doesn’t work cuz I recognise I only get approached ( rarely) if I am wearing makeup or dress revealing and all the people that approached me only wanted one thing .

Idk what to do i genuinely resent and have jealousy for pretty women I neve verbalise it or anything I keep it to myself but it’s ruining me I feel myself like rotting from the inside , idk how to find value in myself if I’m not beautiful , I’m not even good at anything either , I’m so bad at everything I try n even tho I can be really social I’m so awkward and I constantly embarrass myself.

I once spoke to a guy who said ur not like really pretty or really ugly ur just average, that’s the best I can get lol , n really I’m not even average I have the manliest inverted triangle body you’ve ever seen.

Surgery won’t even make me beautiful. I try to make art now with my spare time to distract myself , I have tried circulating hobbies to avoid these thoughts n feelings but it’s still there . I thought instead of being beautiful I can make something beautiful. I still feel this way tho. I even get jealous of literal dolls or animated characters .

I also know I’ll never be able to date bc of how insecure I am but how can I help it if there’s nothing about me that’s valuable ? Also let’s say I do get over my insecurities I’ll be like 34 by then and most ppl wil be married and it’s not like I’m pretty and I can just opt out of dating and come back and have options. like idk what to do I feel trapped in my own body genuinely I’m preparing for a life of no romance but idk it’s all eating me up inside idk where to put all this or how to deal with it , I constantly compare every single aspect of myself to others like I’m just tired of it b

I’m 21 I knew I wasn’t never going to be beautiful when I was 12 n people would constantly comment on my appearance saying,compliment n recognise my friends and never me and I’ve been mistaken for a man numerous times or mistaken as trans even with a full face and long hair.

I’ve tried affirming that I’m beautiful it doesn’t work , I tried spirituality it doesn’t work , I’ve tried finding my style it doesn’t work cuz I recognise I only get approached ( rarely) if I am wearing makeup or dress revealing and all the people that approached me only wanted one thing .

Idk what to do i genuinely resent and have jealousy for pretty women I neve verbalise it or anything I keep it to myself but it’s ruining me I feel myself like rotting from the inside , idk how to find value in myself if I’m not beautiful , I’m not even good at anything either , I’m so bad at everything I try n even tho I can be really social I’m so awkward and I constantly embarrass myself.

I once spoke to a guy who said ur not like really pretty or really ugly ur just average, that’s the best I can get lol , n really I’m not even average I have the manliest inverted triangle body you’ve ever seen.

Surgery won’t even make me beautiful. I try to make art now with my spare time to distract myself , I have tried circulating hobbies to avoid these thoughts n feelings but it’s still there . I thought instead of being beautiful I can make something beautiful. I still feel this way tho. I even get jealous of literal dolls or animated characters .

I also know I’ll never be able to date bc of how insecure I am but how can I help it if there’s nothing about me that’s valuable ? Also let’s say I do get over my insecurities I’ll be like 34 by then and most ppl wil be married and it’s not like I’m pretty and I can just opt out of dating and come back and have options. like idk what to do I feel trapped in my own body genuinely I’m preparing for a life of no romance but idk it’s all eating me up inside idk where to put all this or how to deal with it , I constantly compare every single aspect of myself to others like I’m just tired of it b

Long post but I’d really appreciate if someone could give some advice !

So I’m 21 female and I’m at university. For context both my parents are African and my stepdad was in the military when he was young so it explains his behaviour.Growing up my stepdad has always been on the stricter side , he has only hit me once but he has hit my brother numerous times he is the type of guy to get very angry , verbally aggressive or find an issue over minor things . He says things like idc how u feel ,do what I say i, im the man of the house and starts shouting n cutting u off before u can say anything and he’s also controlling and extremely stubborn , all my family recognise these behaviours to the point where my step-sister doesn’t want to come to visits anymore , my cousin moved out cuz he was too controlling and his own son doesn’t even visit him , idk the reason but i think ik why.

My mum is more lenient , she is also religious but she’s the type to listen to how I feel and apologise when she’s done wrong . She is also like the middle man if I’m annoyed at something he’s done I tell her she says i understand and she will try to speak to him about it . She still encourages religion tho .

I stopped believing in Christianity when I was 12 , for many reasons including my bisexuality . I feel it’s very obvious I’m not religious and I’m bisexual. My cousins have told me this when I came out to them , so I feel my parents must know too. My stepdad always forces us to go to church and to random church events and he forced me to go to this summer camp thing n payed money for me to go without even talking to me about it first because it’s expected of me to do that as a Christian , despite me not wanting to .

Before university he gave me this talk n he said u have to go to church every week non negotiable and I have to attend an evening group prayer call everyday at 9pm on the family gc.

Being at uni I’ve really enjoyed my independence and not feeling like I have to walk on egg shells n I have not been to church once and I attend group calls just to speak to my family but not everyday usually just a few times a week.He recently sent a message in the group chat saying he’s noticing how we don’t attend group prayers on the weekends and how it’s a non negotiable and how I haven’t been attending church here. My family all attends a specific church and they know people here in my uni city , so I feel he asked about me and someone told him they hadn’t seen me . I think it’s so weird how he’s checking that tho .

I jsut feel tired annoyed and like icba I didn’t attend the call yesterday cuz I’m jsut sick of this. I’m literally 21 I should be allowed to have my own beliefs. If he literally has to remind me to go to church then isn’t it clear that I’m not interested in this . As much as he wants me to be Christian, religion n spirituality are all personal journeys and u can’t force someone to want to change .

I spoke to my cousin, he said I should speak to him and tell him that I am an adult and I’m not as religious as u like to make me out to be , this is my one journey I want u to allow me to be myself as forcing me causes more resistance. I’m debating if I tell him directly or tell my mum first , speaking to him is scary n there’s a chance he won’t listen n idk if I even want to speak to him rn im annoyed at him but yeah idk

Im only Finnacially dependent on my mum, so far at uni it’s just been my money primarily but when I haven’t been working my mum is the one who provides n pays for things so I’m barley dependent on him.i think if I spoke to my mum she would either understand or just be liek , yeah , mmhmm and pretend to be fine , but she is the type to always come around I can’t see her kicking me out at all , she is very kind , but I guess I could focus on the worst case scenario idk

Any advice would be great what do u think I should do ?