So, I made it to a month this time around. Which is a lot considering the first two attempts before this one, I only made it to one week each attempt.
Hopefully THIS is the No Contact that will be "the one". The one that sets me free forever finally.
And if it isn't, I will keep going until eventually I AM FREE!!!
Track Record So far:
Longest: 8 months
Most Recent Tries to break free for good:
2 days
2 days
10 days
3 days
So, I have to restart starting now. I just broke no contact today.
I really hope that this time around will be the time I free myself for good. 💔 I am getting really scared now, because this man has done everything in the world to me that you can think of that is humanely inhumane. Including having me arrested and thrown in jail where I almost did not make it out with my life, almost got raped, and almost had to do time. I want to be free forever. God, please save me. But I know I have to save myself from him and STAY AWAY.
He called me from no caller id again, today. And I ended up calling him because everything in my life is going wrong. And I always look to him for support, even though he does the opposite and makes my situations worse. I think I subconciously choose him, because it reinforces my belief that I have no one who loves me in my life. Because he doesn't love me.
Anyway, I called him back and I regret it. Because all he did was say how he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, everything I am going through is all made up in my head and he doesn't care, and that I should be intimate with him.
Does it count as breaking no contact if all we did was talk? I don't want to hurt my mind by telling myself I have to restart. I didn't see him. I didn't curse him out.
All I did was try to end the conversation cheerfully by saying: "If I want to have sex, I'll call you."
But I think I learned my lesson.
That answering his calls isn't going to show he has changed his mind or that he magically is going to start caring about me or love me all of a sudden. It just is his way of still trying to get me to stay in the trauma bond loop with him.
So, when I see that little red notification...the hope that someone out there cares about me or is someone I can turn to...needs to go away. Instead it is the opposite: a sign that the only person I have calling me just reinforces how alone I am and shows how I don't have anyone in my life who truly cares about me or loves me.
I mean, ofc I love myself. And God loves me. And logically I know my friends and family love me.
But as far as a support system where selfishly I have someone who cares about my well being genuinely and even as equal as their own: no.
And that's ok.
I'm a little deflated.
But I don't think I will count this as breaking no contact.
I think I will still keep going.
Just this time not calling him back. Even if I am extremely alone and want hope.
So far my current record has been:
2 days no contact
2 days no contact
10 days no contact
I'm going to try again! I hope this time is the final time and I walk away for good!
I live in a upstaris "apartment" that is really a converted attic attached to a house. The downstairs/actual house is it's own "apartment".
Ofc because it is an attic, you can hear everything I do up here.
On the weekdays, I wake up at 6AM and come home around 3:30PM. I'm asleep by 6PM to 8PM. I wake up early, but I can wait until my alarm goes off to actually get up. Which I plan to do.
On Saturday, I get up at 6:30AM to go do laundry at a laundromat and get back home around 8AM. I can wait until 9AM to start moving around if I just lay back down.
Sunday, I am going to test not getting up until 9AM.
I will also test not trying to turn the TV on until at least 12PM on the weekends.
Would you be upset about these times if you were my downstairs neighbors?
I figure they will give me leeway on the weekdays ofc. But I'm just worried about the weekend time. But I just don't think waiting to get up until 11AM is realistic. I might be aiming too high for my self control.
I also know conflict might happen regardless and you can't really make anyone happy. But I do want to at least try to be respectful, even if it's not taken that way or still in vain at the end of the day.
I don't know, but trying to see her throw it back in the "fuck it up, fuck it up, fuck it up" makes it so obvious that this song should have been given to a black artist. But I told myself if I can listen to Ariana Grande and have been a kpop fan...I can listen to Karlee's new song. But yeah, it just feels verrryyy off to me.
Then she tried to say "right back" was slang in hawaii. But then a songwriter came out and said they wrote the song to be doja cat inspired, and guess what...
The songwriter was black. yeah.
So I call bs.
Karlee is about to be another "hey, pookie" or kpop artist stealing black music or ariana lmao.
So, I made it all the 21st no contact. He called me no caller id the 22nd. I broke contact. But rather than let that stop me, I declined his offer to rejoin the abuse cycle. And instead of beat myself up for breaking no contact...I kept going no contact. I am happy to say I have made it the 23rd and 24th with no contact! 🥳🎉 He hasn't called no caller id again, but I am committed to not answering or calling him back this time around. And I am committed to breaking this cycle finally.
Therapist said to be gentle with myself. And I know that you will never learn how to ride a bike if you keep beating yourself up every time you fall off. Instead, just brush yourself off, learn from your past mistakes, and get back on and try again. But this time I will try to learn from my past mistakes and not even entertain him or break no contact.
I really want to be free forever.
I'm trying again to go no contact with him.
Here's hoping to a new start! 🥳🎉
The longest I have gone is eight months. I keep having withdrawal symptoms from the trauma bond. Even though, logically I know all the right things. I feel so defeated. I am almost on the verge of hopelessness, because this person has done nothing but destroy me. And I am sure if I continue to engage with him, he'll only do worse. And I barely made it out the last time. But I just keep going back. I feel like I need God Himself to come down from heaven and save me for myself!!!