u/data_required

Is this really how today is going to go? Am I supposed to just sit here waiting, not knowing whether you’re actually coming, whether you changed your mind, or whether you were never where you said you’d be in the first place?

I need honesty from you. Not perfection. Not excuses. Just honesty. If you were straightforward with me, I could respond from a place of understanding instead of constantly being left in the dark trying to piece things together on my own. And honestly, being kept in the dark wears a person down. You wouldn’t want to live there either.

The morning is already gone, and deep down I already know how this probably plays out. I’ll get whatever small window of time is convenient for you before you leave for something else, and somehow I’m expected to accept that as enough. It isn’t enough for me anymore.

I can’t keep showing up for someone who only reaches for me when it fits comfortably into their schedule. Relationships even friendships cannot survive when one person carries all the emotional weight while the other contributes the bare minimum and still wants credit for “trying.” Effort is not something you say. It’s something you consistently demonstrate. And if I’m being honest, I haven’t felt that from you in a very long time.

I wanted to believe there was something real here. Part of me still does, which honestly makes this harder than you probably realize. But trust cannot survive inside confusion, avoidance, and half-truths. You cannot build something stable on a foundation that constantly shifts underneath you. Eventually everything collapses from instability alone.

What hurts the most is that every time I try to have an honest conversation about how your actions affect me, it feels like you shut down, change the subject, or treat it like I’m attacking you. Telling you how I feel is not the same thing as accusing you of intentionally hurting me. I’m trying to communicate so we stop repeating the same cycle. But communication only works when both people are willing to actually hear each other.

And maybe that’s the truth I’ve been avoiding: maybe this simply does not matter to you the way it matters to me. Because if it did, I don’t think I would constantly feel this disconnected from someone I care about so deeply.

The truth is, I know very little in the ways that actually matter. I don’t know what truly drives you, what keeps you up at night, what kind of future you really want, what you value at your core. I don’t feel emotionally included in your world. Most of the time it feels like I only get access to you when it’s convenient or necessary for you, while everyone else gets the version of you I kept hoping to experience myself.

And I can’t keep living in that position.

I love you, but I’m reaching the point where I have to love myself enough to stop accepting something that continuously leaves me feeling unwanted, uncertain, and alone. That is not what love is supposed to feel like. I do not want to walk away from you. But I also cannot keep sacrificing my peace just to hold onto someone who seems unsure whether they truly want to hold onto me too.

For far too long I’ve been stuck in this place — hoping, waiting, wanting you to either commit or let me go. Yet you refuse to do either. And whether you realize it or not, that benefits you, not me. That’s convenience. Not love.

And what hurts is I’ve already told you this. Multiple times. So when the same behaviors continue after I’ve explained the damage they cause, what am I supposed to think? At some point actions speak so loudly that words stop meaning anything at all.

You don’t do much that genuinely considers me or my feelings, and I really wish you did. I wish you gave me even the smallest amount of reassurance, consistency, or emotional security needed to feel loved and safe with you. But time and time again, I’ve given you opportunities, chances, and situations to show me through actions instead of words and nothing changes.

Because actions matter. Anybody can speak. Anybody can promise. But character is revealed in follow-through.

You yourself once questioned whether my words matched my intentions. So I proved it. I followed through. I showed consistency. I backed my words with action because I understood why trust matters. I usually do this in life period. Sure there are times mitigating circumstances stop me from it. But what I cannot understand is why the standards you placed on me somehow do not apply to you in return.

What gives?

Why expect accountability, honesty, and effort from me while avoiding those same responsibilities yourself? I genuinely do not understand the contradiction. A lot of your behavior feels backwards to me like things only make sense as long as nobody looks too closely. Like a house of cards that survives by avoiding real scrutiny.

And I need you to understand something clearly: I am not playing games with people’s lives or emotions. I take this seriously. Maybe you should too. Because eventually this kind of behavior catches up to people. When it does and you realize everything you missed out on by being this way maybe then maybe then but probably not. At this point it feels pointless trying to explain myself to you anymore. It’s like when it comes to me, you’ve already closed the door mentally. I could be making perfect sense, but it no longer matters because somewhere along the way you stopped truly hearing me.

Where I thought there was depth, I’m starting to realize there may have only been a shallow surface I romanticized into something bigger. Where I thought there was strength, I now see avoidance. Where I thought there was maturity, I’m beginning to see someone still hiding behind an adult mask instead of facing difficult truths head-on.

I’m not claiming to be perfect. I mess up. I fail. I make mistakes. But when I do, I face them, I correct them, and I grow from them. That’s part of being an adult. That’s part of having integrity.

But you seem to repeat the same destructive patterns without ever truly addressing them. Why? What does that accomplish besides trapping yourself in the same cycle over and over again?

And maybe the hardest question I have to ask myself is this: why am I still here in this repetitive loop with you when I know better?

I think it’s because part of me believed you wanted help getting out of it. Part of me believed there was more beneath all of this. Part of me believed you wanted growth, honesty, depth, and something real.

But I’m starting to realize maybe you’re more comfortable staying in the cycle than escaping it.

And that realization hurts more than anything else.

Is this really how today is going to go? Am I supposed to just sit here waiting, not knowing whether you’re actually coming, whether you changed your mind, or whether you were never where you said you’d be in the first place?

I need honesty from you. Not perfection. Not excuses. Just honesty. If you were straightforward with me, I could respond from a place of understanding instead of constantly being left in the dark trying to piece things together on my own. And honestly, being kept in the dark wears a person down. You wouldn’t want to live there either.

The morning is already gone, and deep down I already know how this probably plays out. I’ll get whatever small window of time is convenient for you before you leave for something else, and somehow I’m expected to accept that as enough. It isn’t enough for me anymore.

I can’t keep showing up for someone who only reaches for me when it fits comfortably into their schedule. Relationships even friendships cannot survive when one person carries all the emotional weight while the other contributes the bare minimum and still wants credit for “trying.” Effort is not something you say. It’s something you consistently demonstrate. And if I’m being honest, I haven’t felt that from you in a very long time.

I wanted to believe there was something real here. Part of me still does, which honestly makes this harder than you probably realize. But trust cannot survive inside confusion, avoidance, and half-truths. You cannot build something stable on a foundation that constantly shifts underneath you. Eventually everything collapses from instability alone.

What hurts the most is that every time I try to have an honest conversation about how your actions affect me, it feels like you shut down, change the subject, or treat it like I’m attacking you. Telling you how I feel is not the same thing as accusing you of intentionally hurting me. I’m trying to communicate so we stop repeating the same cycle. But communication only works when both people are willing to actually hear each other.

And maybe that’s the truth I’ve been avoiding: maybe this simply does not matter to you the way it matters to me. Because if it did, I don’t think I would constantly feel this disconnected from someone I care about so deeply.

The truth is, I know very little in the ways that actually matter. I don’t know what truly drives you, what keeps you up at night, what kind of future you really want, what you value at your core. I don’t feel emotionally included in your world. Most of the time it feels like I only get access to you when it’s convenient or necessary for you, while everyone else gets the version of you I kept hoping to experience myself.

And I can’t keep living in that position.

I love you, but I’m reaching the point where I have to love myself enough to stop accepting something that continuously leaves me feeling unwanted, uncertain, and alone. That is not what love is supposed to feel like. I do not want to walk away from you. But I also cannot keep sacrificing my peace just to hold onto someone who seems unsure whether they truly want to hold onto me too.

For far too long I’ve been stuck in this place — hoping, waiting, wanting you to either commit or let me go. Yet you refuse to do either. And whether you realize it or not, that benefits you, not me. That’s convenience. Not love.

And what hurts is I’ve already told you this. Multiple times. So when the same behaviors continue after I’ve explained the damage they cause, what am I supposed to think? At some point actions speak so loudly that words stop meaning anything at all.

You don’t do much that genuinely considers me or my feelings, and I really wish you did. I wish you gave me even the smallest amount of reassurance, consistency, or emotional security needed to feel loved and safe with you. But time and time again, I’ve given you opportunities, chances, and situations to show me through actions instead of words and nothing changes.

Because actions matter. Anybody can speak. Anybody can promise. But character is revealed in follow-through.

You yourself once questioned whether my words matched my intentions. So I proved it. I followed through. I showed consistency. I backed my words with action because I understood why trust matters. I usually do this in life period. Sure there are times mitigating circumstances stop me from it. But what I cannot understand is why the standards you placed on me somehow do not apply to you in return.

What gives?

Why expect accountability, honesty, and effort from me while avoiding those same responsibilities yourself? I genuinely do not understand the contradiction. A lot of your behavior feels backwards to me like things only make sense as long as nobody looks too closely. Like a house of cards that survives by avoiding real scrutiny.

And I need you to understand something clearly: I am not playing games with people’s lives or emotions. I take this seriously. Maybe you should too. Because eventually this kind of behavior catches up to people. When it does and you realize everything you missed out on by being this way maybe then maybe then but probably not. At this point it feels pointless trying to explain myself to you anymore. It’s like when it comes to me, you’ve already closed the door mentally. I could be making perfect sense, but it no longer matters because somewhere along the way you stopped truly hearing me.

Where I thought there was depth, I’m starting to realize there may have only been a shallow surface I romanticized into something bigger. Where I thought there was strength, I now see avoidance. Where I thought there was maturity, I’m beginning to see someone still hiding behind an adult mask instead of facing difficult truths head-on.

I’m not claiming to be perfect. I mess up. I fail. I make mistakes. But when I do, I face them, I correct them, and I grow from them. That’s part of being an adult. That’s part of having integrity.

But you seem to repeat the same destructive patterns without ever truly addressing them. Why? What does that accomplish besides trapping yourself in the same cycle over and over again?

And maybe the hardest question I have to ask myself is this, why am I still here in this repetitive loop with you when I know better?

I think it’s because part of me believed you wanted help getting out of it. Part of me believed there was more beneath all of this. Part of me believed you wanted growth, honesty, depth, and something real.

But I’m starting to realize maybe you’re more comfortable staying in the cycle than escaping it.

And that realization hurts more than anything else.

​

To whom it may concern,

I don’t even know how to start this, but I know I need to say it.

Something has to be wrong with me… because this keeps happening. No matter what I do—whether I try my hardest or barely try at all—I end up in the same place: alone, hurt, and questioning everything.

I give. I give my time, my energy, my care, my love—unconditionally. I show up for people. I try to understand them. I try to be fair, honest, real. And still, I get walked on. Used. Drained. Left empty like I was nothing more than something to take from.

Why?

Why do people do this to someone who genuinely cares? Why do good intentions get met with cruelty, neglect, or just being completely overlooked? Why does it feel like being a good person just sets you up to be hurt?

And why do I keep letting it happen?

Why do I keep caring about people who have shown me they don’t care about me? Why do I keep putting effort into relationships that are clearly one-sided? Why do I keep holding onto hope for people who only ever take?

I see the good in people. I see who they could be. I hold onto that version of them like it’s real—even when they prove over and over that it’s not who they are. I believe in their potential, even when they don’t care enough to live up to it.

And somehow, I’m the one who pays for that.

Why do I keep getting hurt for being fair, honest, and caring? Why does it feel like the world has it out for me? What am I missing? What am I not seeing?

Because I don’t want to turn into someone bitter. I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to carry anger or spite in my heart.

I just want what feels so simple but somehow so far away.

I want love—real love.

I want to be loved the way I love.

I want to feel chosen.

I want to feel like I matter to someone.

I want someone who actually has my back when I’m low. Someone who believes in me. Someone who cares about me the way I care about them.

Why don’t I deserve that?

I’ve never really had it. Not in a way that stays. And I keep asking myself… can I have it just once? Can I receive even a fraction of what I give?

Can I just be seen? Heard? Valued? Not taken for granted?

I know what I bring. I know I have drive, determination, loyalty, heart. I know I give more than most. And I don’t regret being someone who wants to see others happy—but I can’t keep doing it at the cost of my own happiness.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of giving until there’s nothing left of me.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m too much and not enough at the same time.

I’m tired of questioning my worth because of how people treat me.

And the worst part is—when I try to stop giving so much, when I try to protect myself—it makes me feel selfish. Like I’m doing something wrong just by not pouring everything I have into others.

So I feel stuck.

Stuck between who I am and what I know is hurting me.

Stuck in a cycle that just keeps dragging me down.

I don’t want this anymore.

I want people in my life who actually care. Who don’t just take, but give. Who don’t hold me back or drag me down, but want to see me grow, succeed, and be happy.

Why does that feel so hard to find? Why do I feel trapped in this constant loop?

I don’t ask for help. I really don’t. But right now—I need it.

I’m willing to change. I’m willing to learn. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get out of this place in my life.

I just don’t know where to start.

So this is me asking—really asking:

Help me understand what I need to see.

Help me break this pattern.

Help me choose better.

Help me stop losing myself just to keep others.

I’ll do the work. I’ll take the steps. Just show me the direction.

Please.

Sincerely,

Someone who’s exhausted… but not done trying

I’m writing this from a place that hurts to stay,

Where words feel sharp but silence cuts away.

I’m carrying what I never meant to hold,

Still standing here while everything feels cold.

I took the hit because I chose to care,

Straight to the gut then lower, life’s not fair.

I doubled down when I should’ve stepped aside,

Believed in us when doubt was justified.

I need the truth, not something half-assembled,

Don’t make me prove a love that never trembled.

I gave you all of me without a test,

Just tell me now, was I your worst or best?

Was I your home or just a place to land?

Did we have roots or only shifting sand?

We laughed, we built, we shared our daily days

Tell me those moments weren’t just a phase.

Distance shakes me deeper than I show,

My nervous system screams what you don’t know.

When space appears, my body feels the loss,

Like love is gone and I’m the only cost.

I’m angry, yes but missing you the same,

Two truths that burn inside this one flame.

I want what’s gone, I want what can’t be had,

Now I sit here sorting good from bad.

When I fall in love, I lose my sense,

The world grows quiet, my focus turns immense..

I focus in so fully I forget

Then I'm all in my final bet.

I give too much, then they decide to leave,

I stay behind to clean what they relieve.

Still, I’m changing parts that failed me then,

Cutting loose what no longer serves what's been.

Take all of me or let me truly go,

But don’t leave me in a burning slow.

I’m tired of waiting at the in-between,

Of wondering what all your silence really does mean.

I’ve been patient longer than my bones,

Ignored, unseen, unheard, alone.

Now even truth feels slippery and thin,

I question what’s outside and what’s within.

There’s rage in me but fear sits underneath,

And love that never found its relief.

I wanted more because I knew I could,

I just believed you’d meet me where I stood.

My chest is tight, my stomach’s tied in knots,

A lesson learned in places that I fought.

I knew the pattern, still I walked inside,

Fell again with nowhere left to hide.

You took me places I had never been,

Then let me drop and fail back into unseen

It hurts but maybe this was meant to just be,

If I could stay consistent, calm, and me.

So hear this now, no masks, no borrowed tone:

I wasn’t fake in anything I’d shown.

I was real, I stayed, I didn’t flee

I loved you hard, honestly, completely.

If that’s not enough, let it finally end,

But don’t erase the truth we couldn’t bend.

I’ll carry forward, wiser than before,

But know this i was real. Nothing less. Nothing more.

—