u/datcowboii

I feel so lonely, but the loneliness isn’t the whole problem. I want connection and understanding, yet when opportunities for connection come up, I withdraw from them. I have online friends that I genuinely care about and they care about me, but they don’t fill the need for in-person companionship, and lately I’ve found myself pulling away from them too.

Recently when I’m not working, I’m usually asleep or hiding inside my own thoughts. I’ve tried medications. I’ve tried drugs. I’ve tried putting myself out there and meeting new people. Yet nothing seems to calm down the feeling of “what’s the point, I’m not capable of explaining myself well”. I also carry a deep sense of guilt for being alive. Those feelings makes it difficult to reach for other people, because I think a part of me expects the other person to be disappointed in me, rejection, or misunderstanding. It just sucks because I genuinely want connection. I want friendships. I want people in my life. Yet I keep finding myself pushing others away and neglecting the relationships I already have. I don’t know whether I’m an avoidant, fear of being hurt, depression, self-sabotage, or the OCD paranoia talking.

I feel like I’m trapped between two opposing needs: I desperately want closeness, but I also feel exhausted by the effort it takes to pursue it. I don’t know how to stop feeling lonely when the thing I need most to relieve the loneliness is other people which frightens me. Any advice helps.

I went through a period where my mental health was relatively stable, but over the past month I’ve slid into a depressive episode that feels different from previous ones. Instead of being driven by former active suicidal thoughts, it feels like progressive disengagement from life. I’m sleeping excessively, often going straight from work to bed and staying there for long periods. I’m calling out of work to sleep more and struggling to maintain basic daily structure. When I’m awake, I often feel emotionally overwhelmed or shut down, and I end up spending most of my time in my head rather than engaging with the real world. I’ve also noticed increased impulsive sexual behavior online, which I’ve always felt like hyper-sexualization is my form of self harm.

Socially, I still care about my friends, but I’m starting to lose the motivation to maintain contact and I can feel myself becoming more okay with isolation, which worries me.

This feels different from past depressive episodes. Even my prescribed medications, like my Vyvanse, aren’t counteracting the overwhelming desire to sleep. I can take it and still end up lying down for hours with my eyes closed.

I went through a period where my mental health was relatively stable, but over the past month I’ve slid into a depressive episode that feels different from previous ones. Instead of being driven by former active suicidal thoughts, it feels like progressive disengagement from life. I’m sleeping excessively, often going straight from work to bed and staying there for long periods. I’m calling out of work to sleep more and struggling to maintain basic daily structure. When I’m awake, I often feel emotionally overwhelmed or shut down, and I end up spending most of my time in my head rather than engaging with the real world. I’ve also noticed increased impulsive sexual behavior online, which I’ve always felt like hyper-sexualization is my form of self harm.

Socially, I still care about my friends, but I’m starting to lose the motivation to maintain contact and I can feel myself becoming more okay with isolation, which worries me.

This feels different from past depressive episodes. Even my prescribed medications, like my Vyvanse, aren’t counteracting the overwhelming desire to sleep. I can take it and still end up lying down for hours with my eyes closed.