u/delete_butt_on2025

Hey, This will go unread and unheard.

I haven't prioritized my own feelings or needs—how can I expect you to do what I won't even do for myself.

So When you reach out to ask how I am, I find myself wondering what you’re actually looking for. Do you actually want to know how I am, or are you just checking to see if the door is still open? And ​If I didn't reply, what would your perception of that be? I guess What I feel, need, and desire hasn’t been my own priority, so why should I expect it to be anyone else's? Do you know me well enough to realize that these breadcrumbs hurt me? Do you ever consider my well-being, or realize how diminished I feel by this low effort?

​I'm curious if you’re being honest with yourself. Do you trust your own gut on why you’re checking in, or are you just acting on habit?

No I didn't write this, Yes AI did. But not without me.

​I want to believe that the space I’m making in my car is space I’m finally making in my heart. For almost a year, this trip was a blueprint; now, it’s a reality that is seven days away, and the air feels different. ​I’m thinking of him because for seven years, "we" was the only language I spoke. I’m thinking of you because you represent the clarity and the "nonsense-free" future I’m trying to build. This trip would have been ours, but now it has to be mine.

'​I am scared...' ​Not of the road or the distance, but of the silence. I’m scared that without the noise of a relationship, I’ll have to listen to the parts of myself I’ve ignored for too long.

'​I have doubts...' ​About whether I’m strong enough to handle the "rock scrambles" of life alone. I wonder if I’m running away or if I’m finally running toward something real.

'​I am worried...' ​That I’ll see a sunset or a waterfall and instinctively reach for a hand that isn't there. I worry that the habit of him will overshadow the discovery of me.

'​Add in some anxiety...' ​The kind that hums in your chest when you’re about to do the very thing you said you couldn't. It’s the dizzying height of a new beginning.

'​What I Want' ​I want to stand at the edge of a view and feel my own pulse, not a shared one. ​I want to prove to myself that my happiness isn't a vintage I can only share with someone else, but a well I can find within. ​I want to drive until the memories in the rearview mirror finally look smaller than the horizon in front of me. ​I want to come home and realize that while I may be "hyper-independent," I am no longer lost. I want to be the version of ME that doesn't just survive the ending, but masters the start.

There was a point where I would have given anything just to hear from you. But somewhere in the space between then and now, I managed to lose myself even further. I’ve spent months trying to accept the reality that you never looked back, and I’m still navigating the weight of that silence every day. ​I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve slipped up. —old habits have moved back in. I’m currently trying to gather the fragments of my courage just to say "no"—to the past and to the version of me that still feels small. ​Today was one of those days where the internal noise became deafening. I had to get in the car and drive, turning the music up until it felt like the bass could drown out the voices in my head. I was singing at the top of my lungs, desperate for a moment of clarity, but then I saw it. Oh, [YOUR Name], that moon. It was so bright it felt like a spotlight, and in an instant, I was right back on that rooftop with you. For a second, the months of distance vanished, and the memory felt more real than the seat beneath me. ​They say the hardest step is the first one, and I feel like I’m having to take that first step all over again. I’ve been begging for a reminder of who I can be outside of this pain. I am asking for the strength to see my own worth. I’m trying to find the light again, even when it feels like I’m starting from zero. ​Despite how hard things are on this side, I want you to know that I truly hope you are happy. I mean that with everything in me. I hope you’ve found a peace that isn’t fragile and a life that feels full and genuine. I wouldn't wish the depth of this struggle on my worst enemy, and I certainly don't wish it on you. We all deserve to find our way to happiness—you included. ​Keep your smile.