u/delightful_momo

Edit: Y'all, I specifically said I'm NOT trying to change the plans we currently have for who gets which bedroom. I was merely asking if it made sense the other way I thought of. I'm getting some responses that come off as highly offended on behalf of my stepdaughter when I'm not even trying to give her room away. I'm on board with our current plan, I just thought the alternative would have made more sense 😂

I (35F) met my now husband (43M) about 7 years ago in the summer of 2019. We started talking and hanging out in fall of 2019 and started officially dating end of 2019 around Christmas. He has two daughters from his first marriage, aged 12 and 9 when I met them. After a short break up in spring of 2020, he and I got back together and I moved in. In January of 2021, I found out I was pregnant with our first son who made his debut fall of 2021. We live in a small 3 bedroom house, for lack of a better term, but it was never an issue as both girls had their own room and our young son stayed in our room in crib and eventually bed.

Spring of 2025, my husband i married. 3 months later I was pregnant with our second son who is now nearly 4 months old. We're in the process of finishing fixing up a 3 bedroom we purchased and spent a lot of time and money to get move in ready, and it's getting close, which I'm excited about.

Here's my issue. The now 18 year old stepdaughter is starting college in a month in a nearby city. She won't be staying with us due to the commute being too long. She's staying in the area of her college. Her whole senior year before graduating a couple months ago, she spent more time in the city than here, once you took sleep and time at school into consideration. She's barely spent a whole week put together here since summer began. But she gets a room to herself. The now 16 year old gets her own room as well. Which means our now almost 5 year old AND four month old infant are both still in our bedroom with us. When i brought up to my husband that we could have put the girls in one room with a bunk bed since the elder won't be around much and have the boys in the other, he said, "Well both girls are getting their rooms." I wasn't trying to say we should change the plan now. We do intend to build room additions, but that kind of work is pricey, even in materials alone. We're looking at a year before that happens, and more likely it will be two years or more. I love my sons, and I absolutely want my college girl to have somewhere to crash when she's down here. But.....getting to enjoy my marriage bedroom eventually is also pretty important to me. Especially understanding how important the physical aspect of marriage is for both of us and how tricky it's become to find any opportunities.

I don't know. I'm frustrated about this, but I also don't want to sound whiny. I definitely don't think that we should try changing the plans we already have set to suddenly get the girls in one room and the boys in the other to free up our master bedroom of children. But I don't quite understand why we're giving a whole bedroom to the kid who's moving on with her life as kids do around this age and keeping the younger two with us for another year or more.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that? Am I right in thinking it's silly, considering how many kids we have and how many bedrooms? What do y'all think?

My baby is a little over 3 months old, EBF, extremely gassy, and has recently discovered the ability to move. This has made nursing extremely tricky because he tends to flail about and kick, causing him to unlatch and get frustrated. The easiest way to get a feeding in is for me to stand and walk while nursing, which, while fantastic for my muscles, is causing great discomfort in my back since he's over 11 lbs. Sitting isn't exactly an option, as he manages to kick himself off. Sometimes we can manage nursing while laying down, but that isn't always an option depending on what's going on in the day.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has had these struggles. If so, are there any potential ways around the need to stand and walk every feeding? Or if there aren't any real answers, what should I do to preserve my poor back until my back muscles strengthen enough to handle it? Does it eventually pass and get easier again? He does amazing being still and just eating when he's mostly asleep, so our overnight and early morning feedings are downright easy. It's just the rest of the time it's exhausting.

I experienced this with my now four year old firstborn, but I'm struggling with the feeling of being only good for being the provider for my newborn. I'm his mode of transportation and his food source. And I'm glad to be those things. I love my baby so much. But it gets....well, depressing at events when everyone wants to see and spend time with him and I'm only ever acknowledged if he's upset and needs comforting from me....and as soon as I do my job making him content again, I cease to exist again until the next time my services are needed.

I expected this completely. The thing that made it hit me so hard this time, especially in the last week, was a grad party for my stepdaughter in which my best friend attended as well, where she spent more time holding my baby and talking with other guests than she did me. To be fair, she did come over to chat for 2-3 minutes but it was short lived and the briefest of her social encounters. She visited us in the hospital when he was born, but that was another situation in which baby got the lions share of the attention and interaction. I'm 6 weeks postpartum and generally okay most days but get depressed when I dont feel well, like today. I feel very lonely a lot of days. My days are spent with my two young boys, usually filled with mean comments from the preschooler and feeling like I cant split my attention between both boys without failing one or both of them. Most of my social interactions are with small humans. I'm starving for adult connection.

It isn't my first. I know the loss of identity resolves with some time. But it isn't easy right now. I feel guilty bringing up to anyone that I'd love time with them because everyone in my life is so busy. And here I am......nothing to offer anyone not a son of mine or stepdaughter of mine or my husband. And I feel the hubby and teen stepdaughters would prefer my struggles not be their problem(s) as they all have things on their plates as well. Friends are in the same vein of my not wanting to bother and distract people with my crap when they're frequently busy.

Anyway. Early motherhood is lonely and mom guilt is painfully real.

Anyone else experience this mental and emotional struggle?

My older stepdaughter graduated high school tonight with honors (she made suma kum laudi!!!!!) and I am not okay. She's supposed to be 12! Time is such a thief. I am so proud of her. Words cannot describe. My younger stepdaughter graduates in two years and I'm not ready. These girls have blossomed into such beautiful, capable young women since the girls I met in fall of 2019. They don't drink, vape, or party. The younger girl won't even socialize with her peers because they try pressuring her into vaping. The pride i feel is indescribable.

A little background. My husband is divorced from the girls' mother. His ex is....frankly a mess. She's been in and out of my husband's house off and on when she messed up and needed somewhere to stay, completely destabilizing their household with her instability, between the divorce and his and my relationship. She's been in and out of unstable relationships and moves around indiscriminately and on a whim, even out of state, even across country, if the man she "falls in love with" after a few days lives far away from her kids. When my husband and I got together, she tried asking him to move back in but he turned her down, not because of me but because his sister who is his landlord said she was no longer allowed to stay here. When he told her no, she messaged me claiming the two of them had been hooking up the whole time he and I had been seeing each other, which was a lie she admitted to me later on. When he and I separated for a couple months last year before we got married, she went ahead and took it upon herself to spread rumors about me to the girls. I only mention this to explain the situation I came into when I started dating my now husband and what I've dealt with regarding her.

While my older girl has always been extremely academically inclined, my younger girl had been a challenge for school all through elementary school and for the biggest part of middle school. She's had an IEP since pre-k or kindergarten with a mislabeled "emotional disturbance" IEP label. Understandable when you know the family history. When I started dating their father in fall of '19, my younger girl was struggling in school. She was behind a few grade levels in English and math with zero motivation to do better. I came into their lives when my older girl was in 6th grade and my younger girl was in 4th grade. I started attending parent-teacher conferences and getting involved in academic stuff in 2020, eventually becoming the primary parent of academics. I worked extra with my younger girl on school because she's smart, she's shocked me with the random knowledge she's pulled out at times. She's completely capable - just unmotivated. Well by the time she graduated middle school, that girl had jumped a grade level or two in her struggle areas and had surpassed several of her IEP goals. Now in high school, she's graduated into regular English classes and only needs minor help in math from an instructor and a quiet place for focus purposes. I also finally managed to convince her dad last year (after about 5 and a half years and innumerable discussions) to let me take her to a doctor to get a medical diagnosis to get her IEP label fixed as emotional disturbance can limit her career options upon graduation, and she really isn't emotionally disturbed or in need of career limitations. She finally got her medical diagnosis of anxiety to fix her IEP thankfully and is well on her way to great things after school. She also went from making primarily C grades with an occasional D to having all As except for a single B since getting into high school, and I couldn't be more proud. The girl--no, the young lady--has blossomed as a person especially since reaching high school. I don't want to take too much credit, but I really believe she wouldn't have reached this point without a stable mother figure in her father's household, especially considering he has primary custody with mom having visitation rights....when she chooses to take them.

Anyway, I only mention all that because I can't otherwise adequately convey my pride in my girls. My husband and I have two boys together--a 4 and a half year old and a month old newborn--and I still consider those girls my first children. I am so blessed to have gotten the chance to be their stepmother, and I couldn't ask for better kids.

All that being said, I am absolutely not okay with my little girls being friggin TEENAGERS and my older girl being a high school graduate! 😭 Time is such a thief. But I'm also so stoked to see what these girls become and do with their lives. I'm the most blessed stepmother ever, and I wouldn't change it for anything. ❤️