u/divingrose77101

Here is the scenario. You’ve been dating a woman for a couple of months and it’s going well. She treats you kindly and you have a good connection in the bedroom.

You get to a conversation where you’re talking about what really turns you on and she tells you she is most aroused by fantasies of being very cruel to men. She likes the idea of humiliating and degrading them, making them cry and beg, and feel small. She likes the idea of objectifying and demeaning them and taking away their autonomy.

Questions:

Would you keep dating her?

Would your view of her change?

Would you believe she harbored deep resentment toward men?

Would it not bother you at all?

If you got married and didn’t have a prenuptial agreement, would you willingly agree to pay spousal support or would you fight that in the divorce proceedings?

For the purposes of this question, assume it’s a no-fault state so cheating isn’t a concern to the court.

Do you feel a sense of obligation to the person you married even if you get divorced?

Would it change the equation if there were kids involved?

Would you be more willing to pay if she was a stay at home spouse than if she was working?

Specifically for men who like traditional arrangements: would it be immoral to not pay alimony if you expected your spouse to stay home?

I am at my wits end with religious or super conservative people matching or trying to match with me.

Like, why, bro? It says liberal atheist right on the profile! Don’t waste your like.

I actually had a guy recently ask for a coffee date around lunch time because he had work in a small town near me Sunday morning. I ask what he is doing in that town for work and he says “I’ll tell you later.” I didn’t think anything of it.

Meet him for coffee and he is dressed like a Southern preacher ready for a tent revival- straw hat and all. I look nice too (in a pretty sundress and cowboy boots as usual) but he looks like he just came from church. Because he did. Where he was preaching.

Turns out he’s a priest. One of the kinds that can get married and divorced and date heathens, apparently. I could tell by the uncomfortably sexual nature of his “jokes” with me that he hoped I was an atheist jezebel who would take him home for some post-church sinning in my whore house of the devil (or something).

It was so gross. I felt catfished and kind of violated. I gave him the opportunity to tell me and he didn’t. I did NOT knowingly consent to being on a date with a priest. Ewww.

Why do the Christian conservatives swipe on me? I’m super liberal and very anti-religion. What are they even trying to do by going on dates with me?(Yes, I’m hot for an old lady.)

I know there are a lot of folks with a preference for traditional gender roles and power dynamic within a romantic relationship: husband works, wife takes care of the family.

In this traditional dynamic, the husband usually works to pays all the bills and the wife is given some sort of discretionary funds for her own needs but is not financially independent.

This all works well until the relationship ends and the partner who gave up their career to stay home now has an unused master’s degree and a huge work history gap. Technology has changed, the job market is different, and that partner is pretty much screwed.

In my opinion, the partner willing to take that hit to their career needs financial compensation equal to the income they would have made had they continued to work outside the home.

I understand that divorce courts are made to accomplish this, but I maintain it needs to be up front. The partner who gave up their career shouldn’t have to wait until a divorce to reap the fruit of their labor and every person should have the financial independence to leave or else it’s not a true partnership.

I am insatiably curious and one of my favorite things to do is excavate the brain of someone with highly specialized technical knowledge, a really unusual career or passion, or encyclopedic knowledge of history or some scientific field.

I’ve found that my attraction to a person is directly related to how much they stimulate my mind and imagination. So, with the intent of meeting someone for discussion and possibly a romantic connection, I’d like to ask you: what can you teach me? What do you know a lot about? What is your passion?

I’m a fit, stable, and educated single woman (divorced 8 years), nearing empty nest, with a knee injury that is keeping me from my favorite activity. Maybe you could help me fill the time?

In a recent post, several women said they always pay for their half of the date so “the man doesn’t feel entitled to sex.”

The problem with this action is that you have to first accept the premise that a man paying for dinner does give him some kind of access to your body or time.

I reject this premise wholesale.*

Men FEEL entitled to sex if they pay. But men are NEVER entitled to sex or access to my body. Even if I am married to that man. Even if he pays for a whole vacation. Even if he pays me a million dollars and I draw up a legal contract stating he has access to my body- he still isn’t entitled to it.

I will always support what other women do to feel safe but I refuse to agree with entitled men on this topic. There is no reason for me to pay for a date because I have already made clear the boundary that he is not entitled to my body. And, if the date isn’t going well, I’ll leave in the middle because he’s not entitled to my time either.

Stop agreeing with men. Stop pretending the “rule” they made that a woman is a tease or a gold-digger if she takes the money on offer and doesn’t give her time or body matters in any way. Stop agreeing with men that there is anything they can do to be entitled to our time or bodies.

*EDIT: based on some thoughtful comments below, my view has been changed on one facet of this topic. I concede that taking steps to try to mitigate entitlement/abuse doesn’t necessarily require agreement with the premise that a man who pays has a right to something.

However, I still maintain this is unnecessary because it doesn’t actually work when a guy is just like that.

To clarify: there are a thousand good reasons for a woman to pay for herself on a date. Every woman who wants to pay for her date should. There is no wrong reason to spend your own money however you see fit.

However, paying for food for the specific purpose of helping a man feel less entitled is not a reason I would choose to pay for dinner.

I was a wife and mom for 21 years, got divorced 8 years ago, and have been splitting custody 50/50 u til last summer. My two high school aged kids had to move a few hours away. I see them one weekend a month and holidays and summer break but it feels like my whole purpose in life just poofed out of existence.

In the last 8 years, when I didn’t have my kids, I built a pretty amazing life. I have a cool job I enjoy, a cute little house, plenty of friends. I got really involved in my local dance community and co-founded Austin’s Two-Step Sisterhood, a social group for women. I bought a motorcycle and upped my gym time to where I can actually see visible abs and my daughter told me I looked “jacked.” I go on dates sometimes but have only twice connected with someone on a deep level but they didn’t work out.

My problem is this. Even though I have done all the things a single woman I supposed to do to be happy, I don’t feel like me when I’m not being a mom. I don’t know who I am if I’m not that. I must have one more beautiful chapter in my life. I have no idea what to do or how to find out what I want to be.

My youngest graduates in four years and I’m planning on leaving Texas because I’m not from here but that’s my only vague plan. Leave the state. Maybe the country.

How do you figure out what to do next when your previous era and identity is over?

Question: What is your own personal “system” for online dating and relationships?

Context: A friend suggested the Burn the Haystack method of vetting matches on dating apps and I was immediately horrified. The system seems reasonable on the face of it but, under the surface, seems to encourage women to deny the humanity of the person on the other side of the screen. Similarly, Female Dating Strategy was disgusting to me. I don’t have much experience with programs like these marketed to men but I doubt they are any better.

There is a massive market for people to make money off the misery of folks like me who really do want to find a partner but struggle to navigate all the factors. Dating apps and services and programs that promise to give you a no-fail method to finding love have a clear motivation to muddy the waters, make this all more awful, turn people against each other, and make sure we fail.

I’ve taken ideas from many different theories of dating and created my own (likely autistic) method for vetting matches, setting boundaries, having dates, making decisions, and hopefully getting closer to my goal of finding a long term partner.

What systems have you created that you like and work for you? I’m not looking to be pointed towards one method that already exists because I view them as fruit of a poisoned tree.

What guidelines do you use for making these decisions?

My lovely beau and I have a standing dinner date each week and I’m in charge of making the reservations. (He pays, so it’s only fair.)

I pretty much have free rein and we both eat everything. He’s new to Austin but we’ve gotten around to my favorites already (Aba, Peche, Uchiko, and KG BBQ), tried a few duds, eliminated the places that are more trendy than good, and now I’m stumped.

Where would you make reservations if you had a decent budget each week? Bonus for quiet and romantic but food is primary. Doesn’t need to be a place with reservations (I love patios).