u/dogpineapple

I made a subreddit 2days ago about my husband and asked had he collapsed? It's been almost 10 months since D-Day and 7 since he quit working and has just laid around for a few months and then the past 3 months he still isn't working but has gotten up and acts like everything is normal but won't talk with me about anything and if I try he becomes the victim.

The past 2 nights I told him I was done and he told me last night he was going to try and get his job back today and sure enough today he magically hopped up out of bed early and went to discuss getting his job back.

I don't know if they'll allow him to have it back or not but I feel so confused. I almost wish he hadn't gotten up and went. It pisses me off. This just makes it harder to know what to do. I begged him to not take it this far for months. I offered him love and forgiveness after D-Day. I didn't want our children to bare the burden of knowing and I begged him to get up before they found out but he wouldn't and of course they noticed something was wrong and found out. Why does he do this? Why does he wait and put us through hell, take us to the edge until I say I'm done, and only then, he does what he should?

And it's like he starts acting like everything is fine because he finally gets up and does what he should have already been doing but the damage is done to me and the kids. I told him I have no hope that he’ll ever truly change and I'm scared of what's to come in the future because I've seen how he doesn't care to be so selfish and make bad choices knowing his family will have to face the consequences of his actions. He doesn't care to cheat, lie, manipulate and basically abandon me and the kids for his own selfish reasons.

Why does he do this? Why does he put us through hell and then at the very end hop up and expect everything to be fine because he finally does what he should have already been doing? Why does he expect this to change anything?

I have no diagnosis for him. only the broken life I have left after 20 years of trying to be enough to be worthy of his love.

He came on quick and hard. He loved me like no other.

3 years in we were having our 1st

4 years in he wanted a house even though we couldn’t afford it.

5 years in I felt a shift in our relationship. He was distant, never wanted to be home when I was, started caring about his looks, and started working out/buying new clothes. Stayed out till 4am

I was so suspicious but he told me he would never pursue someone behind my back and make me look like a fool.

things got better for a little while

I had our second

I got sick w/cancer and needed total hysterectomy at 27.

Once again, I felt distance but he was at home more than the 1st time. He just stopped most emotional connection, stopped kissing me, only wanted sex 1x a month and work became his new wife.

I’ve always felt like I was chasing his love and approval. I never felt enough except for the first few years. It's like someone or something always came before me and the kids. And I felt like he acted different when he was away from me.

Dday was 10 months ago. He had been watching corn for 10 years and had cheated 14 years ago. He was so remorseful and went to work doing everything I asked. Counseling, church, stopped corn, was more present. He admitted that he had lied to me, gaslit me and manipulated me for years and that he had loved his self and put his self before me and the kids but he would work to change.

I noticed over holidays he still didn't buy me gifts and he still doesn't kiss me but I thought that’ll come later.

Then about 4 months into reconciliation he says I can't do this it's too hard and jus quits everything. He even quit his job. I try to help him, I beg him to get help but he doesn't. He told me all kinds of crazy stuff, like he felt a smirk when he saw me crying over him and how he resented me at Church because I was good and he was evil.

He has just laid there for months until we are close to running out of our savings and then one day he gets up and starts acting like everything is normal again. Watches sports, runs to the store for snacks, wants to help cook supper and laughs and talks but He hasn't returned to work and he won't talk about what's happened.

Our kids became sus and Eves dropped on us trying to find out what's going on. My teen demanded to talk but his dad kept blowing him off. Any time I bring it up he immediately says something about my tone or that I'm attacking him or I need to quit looking back and look forward. Or he’ll tell me he has religious ocd and that's his excuse for why he had to stop church and everything else.

I told him it feels like rug sweeping when he acts normal, when things clearly aren't and that we need to face it and really repair. He said “what do you want? Me to mope around the house all day miserable?” I said no but we need counseling or something and he said “ what do you expect counseling everyday? What's that going to do?”

We are at a point we are going to start losing stuff and he still won't get up and work. I asked him so you want me to leave cause it feels like your doing everything you can to make me. He doesn't answer. Or he’ll say I want to be with you.

I told him “I'm done” last night and all of the sudden he's following me around the house saying “man, I've messed up, all I can say is I'm sorry and I'll have a job by next week, I'll put in applications tomorrow” (which he didn't) He also said he's so full of shame and has no self esteem and looking at me and the kids is like looking in the mirror and it hurts him. I said “so your just going to make the problem worse by abandoning us instead of facing it with me and trying to work through it?”

I'm so tired and confused. My body shakes and I'm sick. How can a man do this to his wife and children of 20 years? Not only cheat but lie for 14 years and then it's exposed and he lays down and basically abandons us. I can't believe how blind I've been and how I've tried to see things from his point of view to understand and justify his behavior. It sucks so bad and I can feel him pull me back in as I try to detach. My kids tell me I'm too nice and he's manipulating me. I've spent the last few months researching narcissistic traits and he checks most if not all. I'm wondering if he's had a collapse and he's discarding us because he can't face life feeling shame around us even though I offered forgiveness and to work through it.

There's so much more but my brain is mush and when I try to tell people what's happening I go blank and what I do get out sounds ridiculous and they look at me like I'm crazy.

I've loved him and relied on him for 20 years. I'm mad but heartbroken at the same time. I've got to figure out how to get a job and provide for my kids b/c I don't know what he’ll do next. I don't know what to do I have no work history for the past 13 years and Have been home with the kids.

My dday was 9 months ago but the affair was 14 years ago. He kept it hidden and gaslit me for years. Yes, I was suspicious. yes, I saw many red flags but everytime I confronted him he would lie to and manipulate me.

At the time we had a small child and I have always held a very high view of marriage. I always tried to stay believing any problem could be worked through even though I didn’t know what the problem was at the time.

Fast forward to dday. I actually had found evidence of him looking up other women on fb and when I confronted him he finally confessed to everything. The affair 14 years ago and 🌽 use for the past 10 years.

Suddenly everything made sense. No wonder I felt invisible. No wonder our bedroom was dead. I was grief stricken and in shock. He seemed so remorseful and repentant so I decided to try R. I laid down a few boundaries and said I wanted him to be more present as a family, go to counseling, no 🌽 or social media and go to church with us as a family. He agreed and the first 4 months he did everything perfect. I was in shock and grieving yet I began to let down my guard and I could feel joy in our home again.

Then out of no where he flipped. He said I can’t do this, it’s too hard. He quit working, going to counseling and church and laid in the bed. I begged him to get up but he said he couldn’t. I begged him to get help but He wouldn’t. He kept telling me I needed to leave, that he was no good for me. my counselor who is also my pastor, has been trying to encourage me to keep loving him and be patient with him. He hasn’t cheated or used corn since dday but he isn’t actively working towards r either.

So far I had kept him covered and hadn’t told anyone outside of our counselor. I especially didn’t want our kids to find out. I didn’t want them to have to carry this burden. but his behavior was so strange and confusing that my kids began asking questions and listening in on our conversations at night. My teen came to me and told me that they knew everything and they wanted an explanation from dad. I told wh he had to talk to them and he kept saying he would but never did.

After a few months of this, like magic, my wh got up out of bed and acts like nothings wrong. he hasn’t addressed anything and when one of us try to say “hey this isn’t ok, we need to talk“ he gets defensive and flips it on us. a few days ago I was really down and he asked what was wrong. I told him “you know what’s wrong” He told me it’s almost been a year and I’m going to have to quit looking back and look forward. I tried to explain how the first four months when everything seemed good it felt like we were making progress but when he flipped it just put everything on pause and how he hasn’t even explained why he’s quit everything I asked for. He looked at me and said what do you want? You expect to have counseling everyday? What’s that going to help? I told him no I don’t expect counseling everyday but I think itd be benificial at least once a month. I told him that although he answered my questions for 4 months we haven’t repaired anything and the last thing I expected after he confessed was for him to act like this. I left the conversation more confused than anything and he just acts like things are peachy.

my teen said until he sits down and talks to us about what’s going on he doesn’t want him to speak to him. My wh won’t talk about any of this yet goes around trying to make small talk with us.

Yesterday my teen blew up And said you aren’t working and you’ve treated mom like shit, why? My wh flipped it on my teen and said Why are you cussing around your mom, you don’t understand relationship. my teen said your weak and your not doing anything your just laying around. my wh flipped it on our teen and said you Act like I’ve never done nothing for you, what are you doing? My teen said I’m a teenager, your a grown man. My wh walked off and cried tears. My teen said “mom, he never once apologized, he said that relationship part to act like this isn’t all his fault. He’s never going to change.” about 30 minutes after the blow up my wh was back to acting like nothing is wrong.

I feel crazy. I don’t know what to do. It’s like he’s doing all these nice little things around the house like doing dishes and stuff and he hasn’t cheated or watched corn since dday but won’t do the things that matter like talking to us And being accountable for his actions. It’s like we’re living in this fake reality of acting like things are normal but we’re all walking on eggshell. My teen says we should leave, my pastor says to be patient with him. I want nothing more than to have a happy and fulfilling marriage but I don’t know if it’s possible. It’s like he keeps messing up and expects me to keep getting over it and somehow everytime I get angry and stand up for myself he knows how to make it seem like things aren’t that bad and I stay.