u/dykepuss

i don’t even know if i should be posting this i just don’t know what to do anymore.

i have been going through a breakup and i have been looking back at everything and i feel like i has being really fucked up in a way that can’t be reversed. my therapist says i might have been emotionally abused on my relationship but im thinking maybe i was the one doing that and its not just ocd but im really the bad person.

i keep listening to songs and watching tv and all the bad characters are doing things i did. i keep googling things abusive people do and im getting conflicting answers. i just dont think i deserve to live i want to die everyday cause i cant live with the fact that im hurting someone i loved. i’m not looking for pity i just genuinely am thinking about doing “it”

i called my partner selfish and said she only cared about herself all because i didn’t get what i wanted. i feel like i was making her repress her feelings around me. it was never like this until we broke up. when we broke up it was because she was being mean to me and never wanted to make plans with me and would cancel all the time. we weren’t having sex anymore and i felt she was being emotionally distant with me. she was going on trip for 2 months and never bothered to hang out with me and was still being mean. she’s apologized but i keep bringing it up because when we were just being friends she kept saying she loved and missed me and before she left for her trip she wanted to cuddle every night and it made me confused.

i ended up wanting to try again with her. she said she wanted to too. then she switched things one day and didn’t want to. i had a sort of breakdown. i told she didnt owe me anything but the last message i sent her was terrible and i don’t know how to live with myself. it wasn’t fair to call her selfish during the relationship for wanting other things or to not be with me. it’s not fair. i don’t know if i deserve to be better or to have friends and other people in my life. i can’t enjoy anything cause im constantly comparing myself to these terrible people are reading accounts of people who have been abused and just thinking i deserve death. i didn’t mean to make her feel guilty for things but that doesn’t matter. we don’t talk anymore and i told her not to text me. i told her she stopped caring about me but maybe i was isolating her. i don’t want to have done that. i was just so hurt confused and angry. i have been abandoned in the past but it doesn’t excuse myself. i don’t deserve anyone to be nice to me i just again am getting confused and feeling conflicted on for i treated her. i just want to die.

i know not everything is her fault that the relationship ended and i told her that but in the heat of the moment i lost control and i don’t think i can forgive anything or deserve to be happy. during the relationship i felt so neglected that i was looking for attention from other people. i never engaged in anything but even thinking about it seems like an emotional affair to me. i feel like i hid things and lied and not blaming her for things is just plain wrong. i can’t live with myself. wanting her back in my life is not fair to her. we broke up twice and i did it both times cause i felt unloved. wanting to get back together is probably just me playing mind games with her. she didn’t deserve it. maybe we were just clinging on to each other but i really felt she stopped being able to be there emotionally.

i have no one to talk to. i quit my job for her and left school so we could move to her parents while she went on her trip and i just felt so empty. i did all of that just so she could go on her trip. i had no money or a life anymore. when she gets an idea in her head she wants to make it happen. i admire that in her but i felt like she wasn’t considering me. even while she was working and doing school i felt like i was the only one contributing and she still would get mad at me and say she’d start helping more but never did. i just can’t believe myself. i feel like i deserve some sort of repercussion.

i blocked someone on my iphone but i opened my macbook and im still receiving messages from them and i can’t find anywhere on my mac to block them there so they stop contacting me im so confused

i am been so sick over a breakup that i initiated. i felt emotional abandoned. my girlfriend stopped wanting to be around me and would make so much time for other people in her life and cancel plans with me to be with her friends. i didn’t feel like a priority at all. i have been dealing with the repercussions and i feel like i lost my soulmate and im constantly ruining out relationship. i feel like im being destructive and making her feel less than and maybe im the problem. we broke up one time before and i don’t want to put her in a toxic cycle but i have been getting therapy and i want to try again and she’s not sure. i feel like maybe im being manipulative and i don’t realize it. i cant stop crying all day ive been throwing up having panic attacks only showering no eating, its been awful. my thought aren’t organized and there are things im missing but i dont know if i should let her go. i’m becoming obsessed we’re currently taking a break from talking and i already have a response for what i want to say in my notes app. i dont want to hurt her and i feel like ill just keep hurting more people i love and creating toxic relationships. she also has bpd and has done more therapy than me. i keep taking g everything as a sign she hates me. i dont want to have abused her or have treated her badly but i feel like i cant move on without her and if we aren’t together i dont think ill ever be in a romantic relationship ever again. we had such a beautiful relationship and we felt like planning a life together i just felt she stopped planning her life with me in it so its triggering this back and forth with her and i. im trying so hard but i feel like i need another outside perspective.

there is a lot happening and a lot i can’t fit in the whole post. my girlfriend and i broke up, i initiated it because i felt like she never was spending time with me, we would cancel dates to hang out with her friends or work on art at her school studio, i quit my job so that she could study abroad and moved in with her parents cause i couldn’t afford rent on my own if she was quitting her job to study away from me. she never made time for me and started getting mad at me all the time over little things and when i would get nervous she would often just tell me i need therapy i stead of listening to me. i did go back to therapy and i have been on meds for years. i felt abandoned and like she didn’t want to fight to be with me. she stopped telling me about her life. after we broke up she still wanted to sleep in the same bed and said i love you a lot and we cried together. when i dropped her off at the airport she just gave me a side hug. i know i ended it but i really felt like she just stopped planning her life with me. we have three cats together, we wanted to get married, we wanted to be together forever. i keep imaging her with other people and her moving on its making me sick.

i was fine for maybe a week after she left but it just has gotten worse and worse. i ended up leaving her parents to live with mine. i’ve have been crying for hours, we’ve been texting, saying i love you l, she social media is weird, she deletes a lot of the stuff of us but is also leaving a lot there. i keep track of what she’s doing who she starts following, what she comments or is tagged in while she’s away, it’s driving me crazy. she kept posting a friend to these songs i showed her and really sexual songs and i asked her if it was intentional which i should not have done but she got so mad at me, i blocked her, we ended up sending long texts to each other for a few days. we’re taking a break for four days and coming back. ive never done something harder. she said she doesn’t know if we can change and she doesn’t know if she wants to do it together. she thinks we might be stunting each other. all i want is to be with her, i can’t let it go and like i said i cry pretty much the whole day and i keep throwing up because of it and i can’t sleep even with meds. i keep looking g back to the times when we were happy and she cared about me. i have so many beautiful photos she took of us on film she developed. it’s all so beautiful and i can’t let us go no matter how hard i try.

there’s more i have to say but i can’t keep going.