u/ecologicalee

my experiment isn't working and it's the last one i have time for before my deadline. im getting nothing helpful, one week my supervisors are talking about how i really need to think about what im doing and make plans and the next week they're trying to reassure me that i don't need to panic. i think they just keep pushing and pushing until i finally can't control my emotion and have to hold back tears, and that's when they finally notice and pull back a little bit, but it's too late because they've questioned every decision ive ever made without providing any alternative so now i don't trust myself making any decision at all and they reassure that i can just go for something and stick with it but ive done that before and then other people have basically told me that was a stupid thing to do and now it's all too late and i just think im going to fail so i might as well quit now because i don't know how much longer i can take this at all. and there's just absolutely nothing that is meaningly helpful and sustainable, there are no options that actually work to help me. but i need the money of the stipend so ill just pretend im doing okay enough that they don't kick me off the phd and then ill figure out what i do in my life with a failed phd and no helpful experience and no published papers or conference posters or presentations and no connections and nothing but wasted time for everyone involved.

Apologies for any formatting issues, I'm on mobile. I will try to keep it succinct but I'm not very good at that.

I've had this pain in my abdomen for about 9 weeks now. It's on the right side, sort of around the hip area, but sometimes it feels like it's a bit higher. It gets a lot worse if I have to crouch down for something or reach high for something.

I went to the doctor, they thought it might be a hernia, I had an ultrasound scan, they sent me a message today saying "no signs of hernia but positive findings of follicles in ovary with known background of PMOS". I guess they think it must be ovulation pain, or a follicle swelling or bursting? I've heard that can cause pain?

Obviously, I'm not a doctor, so I don't know exactly what it is, but I'm just a bit skeptical. They didn't really cover where most of the pain was in the ultrasound, just seemed to focus on one spot where I assume an ovary was. And, it just feels muscular to me. Which I know could very well be my mind playing tricks on me, or confirmation bias. So I just wanted to ask if anyone here has had ovulation pain or follicle pain and what it felt like? I know it will feel different to everyone but I'm curious as to whether my pain sounds similar. And I just don't think it can be ovulation pain because I've had my period in the time I've had this pain and it didn't feel like it affected the pain at all. But it could be follicle-related? So I'm curious as to whether anyone else has had pain that was definitely PMOS-related, and how it felt, and how long it lasted, because the doctor seems to think it's something that it should just go away with time?

Sorry that this became a bit more of a vent than truly just the core question. Thanks for any comments you can give.

sorry this was meant to be more general and adhd-based and became more of a personal vent so might need to change the flair but i guess im really struggling with this and could do with advice because at the minute it feels like no one can help with this at all.

sorry for any weird formatting im on mobile.

so there's research that people with ADHD have self-limiting beliefs, i.e., they'll think they can't do something, so they'll feel like they can't do it, so they won't do it even though they can.

but, ADHD is also a disability, there are some things we simply cannot do, there are some things we will always struggle with no matter how hard we try. those things will be different for everyone of course, though we'll have some things in common.

what i've been really struggling with recently is trying to tell the difference between something i'll genuinely always struggle with, so i should accept that as a limit, vs something that i just think i can't do, but i actually could if i gave it a shot, so i should push myself to do it.

i think part of the trouble for me is i can't really tell the difference between "i thought this was going to be too difficult and unpleasant to do, but i pushed myself to do it anyway, and it wasn't so bad, so i was able to do it!" vs "i thought this was going to be very difficult and unpleasant, but i pushed myself to do it, and it was terrible and awful, and i was able to do it, but only through gritted teeth". they genuinely pretty much feel the same to me, it's very difficult to find the difference between the two. i try something and reflect back and i can't tell if it was actually not so bad or if i forced myself through it.

i saw something ages ago about how people have their comfort zone, then just outside of that a growth zone, and past that you have the panic zone (obviously it was just an internet infographic and probably not an accurate representation at all, but i like the idea). like, a bit of a push outside your comfort zone is good, it gets you learning and growing, but you can push too far and just go into panic. i really want to push myself into my growth zone, but i don't want to push too far.

i think another key thing affecting me is that something changed with my health in around 2021, i don't know what it was, maybe it was catching covid, maybe it was something else. but i feel like im sort of only in the past year or so getting somewhere close to where i was. i used to be very active and now i really struggle, but i don't know if that's just because i have a lot less time for physical activity than i used to. and around that time i think is when i started to unmask and i think have a lot of burnout. now im trying to build myself back up, but i don't know if i should aim to build back up to what i was before, or if i need to accept that my limits and abilities have reduced.

im worried as i feel like i am failing my partner. i want to make sure that i am only asking them for help on things that i genuinely struggle to do, but i feel like i keep throwing in the towel when really, i could push myself and do the thing myself, and that would be good rather than pushing far past my limits. i want to make sure im taking responsibility when i need to and recognising areas where i need to improve vs areas where improvement will be difficult, so it needs to be done carefully, or even impossible.

does anyone else ever get a similar feeling? does anyone have any ideas on how to tell the difference between the two? how do i push without pushing too hard? if i feel like i have maybe 50% of the energy to do something, should i push myself and muster the other 50%, or should i recognise that 50% is not enough for that task, and if i have to really push myself that hard, i shouldn't be doing that task? (or i should be doing it with help, or a different way, etc)

mostly a vent, no need for advice but it's not unwelcome

so for my phd im growing plants and i need to score them (measure traits about them). it's like 1600 plants so it'll take a while, but the original plan was to take a while doing this baseline first measurement and then further measurements can more be checking in and seeing if there has been any change. im in my final year and this is going to be a long experiment so it's the last time i can do this and honestly with other things going wrong, this is very much my last chance and probably whether i pass or fail is hinging on this experiment.

but about a month ago i started having this pain in my side and now in the last couple weeks it's gotten worse and it basically keeps flaring up when i'm trying to do the scoring because i have to reach over. i can't move the plants closer as they need to stay where they are. i've been to the doctor and im meant to have a scan to check it out and they've ruled out anything that means it's not safe for me to just wait for the scan. painkillers aren't really doing much and the doctor said he didn't want to just keep throwing painkillers at it (which i did agree with). so, ideally i would just stop measuring and maybe get someone else to do it until the pain is sorted, and the doctor offered a sick note for some time off or adjusting my responsibilities and i asked for the second because feasibly i could get some writing up done and i might as well have it for the admins i guess.

but basically this has just come at the literal worst time possible, because everyone in my lab group is so busy, everyone at campus is also so busy and cannot spare any time to help out with the scoring. and if this pain had been just slightly later, so i only needed help with the quick checks, then that would be much more feasible to get someone to just give me a hand with that. or, i could get someone to cover while i took time off. my supervisor is going to see if its possible to use some of my budget to hire someone who can help which is feasible as i have a lot of budget left but i planned to use that to pay for rna sequencing. and it's just causing so much stress and i feel so stupid and lazy as i can generally move around and i feel like i might just be being dramatic, but when i stretch over to measure the plants it will sting so bad. and im just losing more and more data with each day that goes by that i don't measure my plants. if this had literally happened at any other time, either when my experiment wasn't so demanding or there were people with more time to help, this wouldn't be so disastrous, but it's come at literally the worst possible time. i don't know what to do, i'm tempted to just take a fuckton of painkillers and just force myself through all the scoring and then take a break after. i'm tempted to just go to minor injuries and wait until they give me a scan that day. and the worst part is that my partner is doing a phd at the same campus and they drive and i don't and the campus is very hard to get to without driving so if i have a doctors appointment then im not just disrupting my day but im disrupting theirs. and they are coming up to the end of their phd and they have to come in on weekends all the time and they're so so stressed and i can just be nothing but more stress for them as well.

the one single upside is that my plants are growing in a room that is held at 20C and with the heatwave in the uk right now, that is quite nice and cool, and so maybe i can use that as leverage for asking around for help. like "hey, if you come help me measure some plants, you can stand in a nice cool room for a bit!"

i'm just really frustrated. i finally decided to go to the GP around May last year, to try and get some sort of treatment, because i turned 25 last year and i just want to be able to do a pap smear so i can take care of my health. in that appointment, i talk about the pain i have inserting anything, all about that stuff, and briefly mentioned at the end that i am hoping that physical therapy for vaginismus will benefit all my pelvic floor muscles, because i sometimes pee when i sneeze/cough/laugh. i had major bladder issues as a kid and was semi-regularly peeing myself up until like 17 at least. the GP was really nice, said she would refer me to gynaecology. i finally end up at gynaecology in december (inital appt was for april but i was called about an opening).

the gynae starts by asking about my bladder and incontinence. i am immediately thrown off because i was there for my vagina? i get through this absolutely god-awful appointment, where he just focuses so much on my bladder, and when we finally get around to my vagina, he does an examination that was so so traumatic im still honestly reeling from it. and refers to what i'm feeling as "discomfort". he refers me to physio and some bladder specialist so they can do some sort of stress test on my bladder, cool fine whatever just get me out of here.

the other week i had a phone appointment with the physio to sort of triage before an in-person appointment? and it is just alllllllll about my bladder once again. i mean, if that gynae referred me primarily on bladder, then of course that's the info that the physio has, but it's just so fucking annoying this phone-call is just so much about my bladder, and when we do get to my vagina, she's like "you have some discomfort there?" SOME DISCOMFORT? SOME??? DISCOMFORT?????? i have sobbed violently because of the pain i felt trying to put an cotton bud in there (q-tip for the americans)! and all this pain, all this distress, all the shame and embarrassment, and THE ENTIRE REASON I WENT TO THE GP IN THE FIRST PLACE, and it's all been dumbed down to "some discomfort"?????

i am aware that i have a lot of health anxiety and that i let all the horror stories about doctors really get to me and i really distrust doctors by default, but i really try, i really try to put that all aside and not come into an appointment already thinking the worst of them. but it feels like every time i try to give them the benefit of the doubt, they just throw it back in my face and do something at best stupid and at worst the most violating thing i've ever experienced. it gives me so little hope that i'll be able to get any help, or that any help will be behind even more traumatising experiences.