u/electriccombines

Hello, I have been dealing with chronic pain for as long as I can remember. I'm 30 (NB) at this point, and about a year ago, after nearly killing my kidneys and stomach with overuse of NSAIDs for relief, my doctor prescribed me 15 Tramadol a month, 100mg. I'm told to take one every other day, though I try to do what I call "Grit Days" where I just grit my teeth and bear it so I can hopefully avoid addiction.

My father was irresponsible with his own prescription and ended up in rehab (though he has a pattern of substance abuse with everything) but even though I'm taking my meds as prescribed and am grateful for what I'm given (it was very hard to get this prescription) I'm dealing with a terrible benzodiazapine taper (also prescribed and taken as instructed) after being on it for years for PTSD, psychosis, and GAD. It's horrible, benzo withdrawals. It's slow going with my doctor.

I am in pain a lot, and lost the ability to walk properly without a cane. I can sort of like, force it? If I keep my legs totally locked and straight, or flex very hard, but it taxes me heavily. I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong; fibromyalgia doesn't include leg and back spasms as far as I know. MS is a possibility.

I'm a little scared because I want to be able to take my meds to do things with my husband, or even be a functional adult who can clean and look after myself, but my mother is clearly... Apprehensive, to put it lightly, about any and all of my medications, and she clearly has the notion I will end up like my father. Right now there's constant stress due to an ongoing family emergency, and my anxiety is through the roof, but I'm not sure whether it's worsened by me taking several Grit Days. And if it is, then I'm scared to take the dang things that make life feel actually possible and happy because I can get up and think about things outside of how bad I feel in my body. :(

I know addiction is genetic, and that it's not a crime to need meds; I've taken psychiatric medicine since I was a preteen. But I think I'm paranoid of being seen as a "junkie" by my family outside of my husband, in addition to being a lazy, cowardly layabout who was fortunate to find a partner that tolerates their endless garbage.

My husband for context loves me a lot, and he's kind of fed up with my family for their insinuations, but we're watching their place right now while this emergency situation is going on.

Is there a way to avoid dependency so it won't make life worse in the long run? Is it something I shouldn't be so concerned about? It's so hard to tell whether the stress of the environment is making it impossible to think right now, or if it's because I'm anxious because my body has gotten acclimated to the Tramadol (though it's still the only thing that makes a real dent, even if it doesn't fix everything), or... I don't know. :(

I try to be extremely responsible with my medications, and considering the Tramadol makes me queasy and a little tired as an exchange for less loud pain, I don’t really want to take it daily. It’s calming to know I have it, I guess, but my whole body hurts from stressing out right now and I'm scared that I'm making it worse for myself if I take my pills.

Tl;dr: Does anyone else feel scared of dependency with their prescribed medications? Is it possible to avoid?

Thank you in advance for any responses, and sorry for rambling.

Hello, it's nice to see a subreddit for this sort of struggle.

So, to explain the title, I was first prescribed benzos (1mg Klonopin at night + Propranolol) after developing PTSD and agoraphobia after a specific traumatic period. I was 19, now I'm nearly 30. I'm on quite a few medications, but after starting Spravato, I've been reevaluating which meds consistently help my insomnia, depression, anxiety, ADHD, and other junk.

I stopped taking the Klonopin about six years ago at first because I had a quack who would go on vacation without warning or backup, leaving me without refills. Which, of course, led to me withdrawing for over a week on more than one instance, which had been pretty scary. I'd decided not to trust him with those meds (I should have not trusted him at all) so when I got them refilled I began my own taper.

It was very hard, but I wasn't doing as poorly physically as I am now. It was aggressive, but I'd managed to get off the Klonopin after about three intense months, and recovered over the following year.

Long story short, the same doctor at some point left without refills on any of my meds. It had been maybe a year and a half after I'd achieved being Benzo free at that point, but all I had to keep myself from spinning out on lack of sleep, withdrawals from my antidepressants, and panic, was the damn Klonopin. I felt no benefit taking it long term, but I certainly know the withdrawals intimately.

Fast forward to now, I've been tapering down for a month, and though I managed to be at .5 mg instead of 1mg (which feels a little pathetic considering it's not the biggest dose) I caved and went back to .75 last night, because I've been too terrified to even handle my typical Spravato sessions.

In total I've been on this wretched thing for a decade, and though I'm determined to get it out of my system, even though this time I'm working with a new psychiatrist, I don’t remember it being this bad last time. Derealization and dissociation aside, my emotions are all over the map, I'm both nauseous and craving things, everything hurts more than usual (chronic pain, walk with a cane because my back and legs flail, doctors don't know exactly what's wrong with me), and the STOMACH CRAMPS.

Good lord, my abdomen is horrible, it's like an incessant IBS episode during menstruation. I might be remembering my last go of this through rose-tinted lenses, but what I recall was the nausea back then. I have Zofran for that, and Famotidine for my stomach issues, but my whole body feels like it's under attack.

It doesn't seem to matter what anti-inflammatories I take, I'm just suffering. My husband is doing his best to support me, bless him, but there's not much he can actually do aside from checking if I need something from the shop. I'm on the rollercoaster from hell and I don't know when it'll be over.

Does anyone have any recommendations for things that might help with the GI side effects? I can't really exercise because of my back and legs, and I don’t have a bathtub to soak in (slipping hazard), but I'm trying to stretch and do gentler things. I try to stay hydrated, and I use heated blankets on my abdomen. I haven't found much online, but personal experience might offer more insight.

Either way, it's comforting to find a space to vent about the crappiness of the whole thing. Hopefully the formatting of this isn't awful; I'm writing on mobile. I apologize for rambling, and thank you for any help or suggestions.