u/ellzabellza

I’ve only recently learnt about maladaptive daydreaming and I’m starting to think it has become a much bigger part of my life than I realised.

I’ve always struggled with OCD and anxiety. One of the biggest issues for me has always been horrible, morbid intrusive thoughts, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. I saw a therapist when I was younger because I struggled with sleeping and one piece of advice I was given was to “go to your happy place.” The problem was I didn’t really have one, so I created my own.

I started building worlds and scenarios in my head that were comforting enough to distract me from the intrusive thoughts and eventually help me fall asleep. I’ve been doing this my whole life. It became how I fall asleep every night, how I make time go faster in class, how I disassociate from uncomfortable situations, and how I cope with anxiety.

At some point it stopped being a tool and became my brain’s default operating system.

The issue is that around 90% of these daydreams are fantasies about other people. When I was a kid it felt harmless. I’d obsess over Justin Bieber or create random scenarios, but over time it started becoming more complicated.

Now I’m 21 and I feel like my OCD has contaminated what used to be my safe place. OCD seems to contaminate everything. If I care about something, it eventually finds a way into it. What was once the thing that helped me escape intrusive thoughts now feels like it has become one.

I fantasise about people that I definitely shouldn’t be fantasising about. I’ll create scenarios and replay them over and over, and then if I have a conversation with that person in real life my brain suddenly has new material to work with. It never ends.

I’m in a happy relationship and I would never cheat, but I genuinely feel guilty, like I’m cheating in my own head. That’s the part that really disturbs me. The weird thing is a lot of the time I’m not even attracted to these people. Sometimes it even happens with the opposite gender and I’m straight. It almost feels like my brain knows something feels wrong or taboo and latches onto it because of that.

What started as a coping mechanism that helped me sleep and escape anxiety feels like something deeply rooted now, and I’m only just starting to realise how much of my life it might actually control.

I’ve only recently learnt about maladaptive daydreaming and I’m starting to think it has become a much bigger part of my life than I realised.

I’ve always struggled with OCD and anxiety. One of the biggest issues for me has always been horrible, morbid intrusive thoughts, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. I saw a therapist when I was younger because I struggled with sleeping and one piece of advice I was given was to “go to your happy place.” The problem was I didn’t really have one, so I created my own.

I started building worlds and scenarios in my head that were comforting enough to distract me from the intrusive thoughts and eventually help me fall asleep. I’ve been doing this my whole life. It became how I fall asleep every night, how I make time go faster in class, how I disassociate from uncomfortable situations, and how I cope with anxiety.

At some point it stopped being a tool and became my brain’s default operating system.

The issue is that around 90% of these daydreams are fantasies about other people. When I was a kid it felt harmless. I’d obsess over Justin Bieber or create random scenarios, but over time it started becoming more complicated.

Now I’m 21 and I feel like my OCD has contaminated what used to be my safe place. OCD seems to contaminate everything. If I care about something, it eventually finds a way into it. What was once the thing that helped me escape intrusive thoughts now feels like it has become one.

I fantasise about people that I definitely shouldn’t be fantasising about. I’ll create scenarios and replay them over and over, and then if I have a conversation with that person in real life my brain suddenly has new material to work with. It never ends.

I’m in a happy relationship and I would never cheat, but I genuinely feel guilty, like I’m cheating in my own head. That’s the part that really disturbs me. The weird thing is a lot of the time I’m not even attracted to these people. Sometimes it even happens with the opposite gender and I’m straight. It almost feels like my brain knows something feels wrong or taboo and latches onto it because of that.

What started as a coping mechanism that helped me sleep and escape anxiety feels like something deeply rooted now, and I’m only just starting to realise how much of my life it might actually control.