u/espadaproxii

dude it’s so freaking hot right now lol feel like im about to see people start digging out of the ground

whole shingading i don’t find interest in others at all.. when i get confessions or anything from others expressing romantic or sexual interest in me i am often confused or even uncomfortable(irritated if they’re pushy). turns out, i may or may not have a diagnosis of bp1 and bpd. i also have a mix of other mental issues that just cause me to pull away from that sort of interaction. at first i kind of figured i was demisexual because years ago i found myself negotiating relationships with others if we had an emotional connection but im deep into suddenly being convinced someone close to me hates me and i drop all my emotions towards this person. ive struggled with this for awhile and i kinda don’t trust anyone at all lol. i hate myself and my entire being so when someone genuinely likes me i make the decision for them to say no, they don’t like me deep down and i pick apart what reasons theyd even have for “falling” for me. for awhile now i notice that i kind of automatically pull away from any sort of potential towards a romantic or affectionate bond. im very distant with others and i do not socialize with more than maybe one person on personal bias everyday(oh god starting to think this is an autism post) because i am overwhelmed easily.. that being said people don’t really have an open window unless theyre just meeting me lolll.. my insecurities become other’s thoughts around me because i try to justify and navigate the entire reality/reason they like me.. i find myself trying to pull reasons they wouldn’t like me and when they prevail it makes me shut down even more. ive gone through a lot body image related issues, i dont have the best view of myself. i majorly only run into the affection concepts of having friend crushes like, a desire to be close to someone platonically because im very socially inept. a lot of social cues i dont get and i struggle with communication sometimes, because i have a lack of a feeling/understanding in the moment(but that might be processing…) . sorry thats a little off topic i feel it for some reason relates or kinda gives a bit more perspective/depth to me. im not an asshole or anything like that, apparently a lot of people like me based off first few impressions which kind of reels them in on wanting to get closer to me and i experience this process a lot and im wondering if this is a serious sign of asexuality and aromantic tendencies .. is it self-esteem, trauma response, or my actual nature and do any of these take away from the sexuality at all

i think its just my comfort show at this point lol.. is this the tism or what lol.. i literally cannot watch anything other show without losing interest but shameless is love! shameless is life.

(18F) YEAH DUH.. WHO LIKES BEING CATCALLED RIGHT? (sorry) i literally cannot go outside without someone trying to approach me. i’m a shut in, before i turned 18 6 months ago i would stay in my room constantly shut off from the world 24/7(with great reason)!! playing my hello kitty island adventure. id only go outside when it was absolutely necessary. FAST FORWARD… apparently when you graduate high school you have to find a job or something! to live or whatever!(sarcasm) finding a job has been a great hassle especially with me only being able to afford public transportation. regardless ive been in two different states after graduation just walking around to enjoy the job hunt.. i can’t go anywhere without a guy trying to speak with me. like apparently i just have a friendly face or something but i’m aromantic and asexual and i just am generally socially awkward, i hate being approached! i enjoy when people are being kind to me but as soon as they make some kind of romantic pass at me i get extremely irritated.. ive been experimenting online and what not since im an adult but ive just come to the realization that i will probably never be able to conjure that kind of feeling for anyone.. omg i started making speedruns on how quickly someone will try to flag me down after i even leave my house(shortest time was 25 seconds because someone literally stopped their car as they saw me walk out my driveway). AND THATS ANOTHER THING.. WHO STOPS THEIR CAR TO TRY AND APPROACH SOMEONE.. you’re holding up traffic!! ew ew ew go away! omg .. dude i hate this so much i have to have my headphones in 24/7 while im outside because otherwise people will constantly try to bother me. and even then people will still try to tap me on the shoulder like get the fuck away from me oh my god. they will say crazy shit to me. like crazy shit and i hate it. i dont get it, like go on a dating app or something! so irritating! i dont know anything about you and youre trying to walk up to me.. i do like social interaction but not if its someone trying to bark up my tree whatever you call it and it immediately ruins the entire interaction for me. im just annoyed by how often it is, i get people have no awareness and respect for others nowadays but omg DAMN.. I WENT TO THE STORE IN MY PAJAMAS ONCE AND I WAS STILL GETTING ATTENTION.. IM TALKING BUNNY PJS AND AN XL HOODIE.. like omg it just irritates me it makes me not wanna go outside but i deserve the outside just like everyone else and door dash is expensive! and before you ask me how i dress, i don’t dress provocatively and it literally doesn’t matter what i wear. even when im trying to buy things from stores or go into places that offer some other kind of service every once in awhile ill have a employee slide me their number or make a pass at me.. i just need to go bald at this point i wish when i didn’t have to go outside at all besides for school. university is down my pathway though im not sure if itll get better or worse