u/f0xfordcomma

I (29F) have been out as a lesbian for about four years. I was raised in a small conservative Christian town and went to a Christian university where it was normal to get married right after graduation. I got married to the first man I ever seriously dated at age 22 and it took three very difficult years for me to deconstruct my Christian faith, come to terms with my sexuality and divorce my ex-husband. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I am so so proud that I got myself to where I am now. 

For context, I lived with my parents for about six months after my divorce, and came out to them shortly before I moved out on my own in my new city, which is across the state from them (about 8 hours by car). My parents have always been very religious, and the political climate of the past decade has made them even more conservative. When I came out, they were in denial and thought I’d heal from the pain of my marriage and grow past the “phase.”

Spoiler alert, it wasn’t a phase. In my new city, I met my amazing girlfriend “N” (28F) and we have been together for almost three years now. We moved in together last year and I am planning to propose to N early next year. I love my life with N, her family has been so loving and accepting of me and we have tons of great friends in our city. In almost every way, life is so so good. 

My parents, though, have refused to even acknowledge N’s existence in my life. When I first told them about her, we had a six month period of not speaking. And then, about a year ago, when N and I were planning a trip to visit my hometown, I asked them if we could get coffee so they could meet her, they said they’d meet up with ME for coffee, but not if N is there. Also last summer, I planned a baby shower for my sister in her city (four hours from me, four hours from my parents) and N, with the permission and encouragement of my sister, came to help me set up. When I told my mom that she would be there, my mom didn’t show up to the shower. When I’ve broached the topic with my parents, about how painful it is to have this massive part of my life ignored, they always have some Bible verse ready about how supporting a sinner is tantamount to sinning yourself, or how homosexuality is perverse and wrong. I’ve tried to show them other Christian perspectives on queerness, but they have not been receptive to even reading any of the material I’ve sent. Our last conversation lead to a fight so bad that I spent Christmas alone in my town, instead of going to my parents house with the rest of my family.  In no uncertain terms, they’ve made it clear that they plan to keep ignoring N and my relationship with her.

At first, I understood that they needed time to process and this was a shock for them. I even understood that their worldview condemns people like me, and that they don’t have much experience with queer people, especially lesbians, so it was scary and uncomfortable for them to be confronted with something so unfamiliar. But at this point, it has gone beyond giving them space and time and started to feel like letting them blatantly disrespect N and me. And I’m starting to lose hope for reconciliation because it upsets me that they don’t seem like they are even trying. 

Here’s where I might be petty and run the risk of causing drama. I am the middle child of three. And  am not the only child “living in sin” (heavy of the quotes). My sister is not married to her baby’s father… but he was invited to Thanksgiving with the whole extended family last year. My brother lives rent-free in a house that my parents own. His ex-girlfriend was allowed to move in with him a few years ago and now his current girlfriend more or less lives there as well. My parents met her parents a few weeks ago. They’ve been dating for six months. I don’t say any of this to condemn my siblings. I am so so happy that they are happy and loved. I say all of this because the double-standard is so frustrating. My siblings' partners have been welcomed into the family with open arms and, even if my parents don’t totally agree with their “lifestyles” they give them the respect of learning their names and shaking their hands. It has been hard not to feel a little bit of resentment towards my siblings and their partners for this. I’ve been trying to be honest with them about it so those feelings don’t build up, but they’re there from time to time. 

I have recently sent another message to my parents to try and set up another opportunity for them to meet N. So far, they’ve just completely ignored my message (it has been two weeks). My sister has offered to host Thanksgiving at her house this year, and has told me N would be invited. I want to give my parents an opportunity to meet N one-on-one before being faced with meeting her at Thanksgiving, but part of me also wonders if I should just bring her to Thanksgiving and not tell them she’ll be there, so they will have to come face to face with their greatest fear (gasp! a loving lesbian relationship! /j) I know that that would be an immature choice, but having to be the mature one this entire time has become exhausting. I also know that, if they know she’ll be there, they might just not show up altogether. I feel like this would be unfair to my siblings, if me bringing my partner along means they don’t get to see our parents. I don't want to be selfish,  but I also don’t want to just keep lying down while they disrespect N. We have also talked about just going on a trip the two of us for Thanksgiving weekend, but I haven't seen my siblings or my nephew in almost a year, and I would really like the opportunity to see them and have N spend more time with them as well.

I don’t know what the best course of action is here, or what the best thing to say to my parents is. And I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty about how this has impacted my siblings as well. Any advice is greatly appreciated!