u/fiery_mergoat

I am a single woman in my late 30s and I have lived on my own for 10 years in my rented 1 bed. Guys who live in houseshares or with their parents always assume they'll just spend all their time at mine, I've had several moments like this over the years and it's increasingly a struggle. I feel like an arse because the housing market is shit. Many of these guys in their late 30s and early 40s that I speak to are (unhappily) flatsharing or living at home, and these ones always assume they'll just be able to always, always come here. I live in an awkward location which isn't that easy to reach as it's beyond zone 5 and not next to a station, and I also drive. This adds to the expectations sometimes. All of this was partially behind why I took a long break from dating (lockdown - this year).

I would also like to be hosted sometimes, to wake up at someone else's house and have someone else cook me breakfast and maybe even drop me to the station if it's awkward to get to. I had more experiences like this in my early 20s than I have now pushing 40 and it's wearing me down. I assumed things would be the same or better, but they are worse in my experience. I have dated men who live at home or in flatshares who were happy to have guests, but this was ages ago and seems increasingly rare, so now I'm thinking I have to screen them out which is both unfortunate and also really reduces the dating pool for me. I feel like they're less upfront nowadays about their less-than-ideal (to them) living circumstances which makes me feel even stranger about it all.

A few years ago, before my break from dating, the guy I was seeing the most eventually just only wanted to hang out at mine because he lived with his parents, even though it had been fine before. I grew to hate it. I also didn't want him to move in with me, as we weren't serious and if we had been, I'd have pushed for us to get a new place jointly together rather than him shacking up with me.

Now, I am good with telling people no and stuff, I don't have men round here if I don't want to, but this year alone I've gone on dates with about 5 men, and every single one of them has eventually presented with some kind of assumption as we talk more that they'll just hang out here, or they have some issue re. why I can't go to theirs. Some of them are probably cheaters, I get that part, but this is bigger than some people trying to be unfaithful - I know a few of them must be genuinely just single. It feels like men who don't mind hosting are harder and harder to find.

I really don't know what to do, I don't want to just relent and allow my place to be The Place when I know I'll resent it. I don't do well with one-sided stuff at all. How does everyone else cope? Hotels are hugely expensive, even more so if you want to be spontaneous as booking on the day of is always extremely expensive compared to in advance, and it's not always feasible anyway.

Does anyone else deal with similar, or are there just more people out there who are ok with sucking it up? Is this just what it's like when you have the place and they don't, even if where you live is out of the way (and they don't drive or cycle and can't afford endless Ubers)?

I've not come across the subreddit before until today, and this may be the only place that will understand what I'm trying to say.

I have never owned a pet and have very little interest in one. I'm Black (UK), and there are lots of videos on places like TikTok where adult children still living at home will bring home a dog or something, and the (usually immigrant) parent is initially against it but eventually warms up. I love that for them if genuine, and my Nigerian grandma was someone who was afraid of dogs but eventually got one after my grandad passed away and loved it until it died.

HOWEVER it has got me thinking. Yes there are people who initially dislike pets and then find themselves warming to the idea. I doubt I personally will ever be one of those people. I cast my mind forward as a fencesitter to all the reasons not to have a kid, and funnily enough one of the main ones is that while I can see myself being really easygoing about adult children remaining at home until whenever they want to move out, I will never want any of them bringing a pet home and waiting for me to "learn to love it". I can see myself becoming really resentful if that happened. I actually think its quite manipulative.

I see it on Reddit all the time, where people say their family just decided to outvote them and then they "grew to love it". Does anyone else think this is just wrong?

Extra context: I gave context re. being of immigrant heritage because up until a few years ago, it was a lot more common that immigrant households wouldn't have pets but white British ones often would, however that's balancing out more and more, and as children assimilate they want their parents to assimiliate into dog lovers. Animal welfare is... inconsistent at best in Nigeria (where half my family is from), and attitudes range from indifferent/practical only, to full on dog-lover. There's therefore an extra layer of complexity for some of those parents who really, really wouldn't want an animal indoors because of the associations with dirtiness, etc. and other cultural factors. There are lots of people who are deathly afraid of dogs. I'm sure there are people whose kid brought a dog home and they're really afraid, but they don't end up in a viral video on TikTok!

A potential buyer is asking if I can send an item via Royal Mail 1st class. I've done this before but many years ago. I cannot add this as an option from the drop down any more - not sure what to do. When I sold on eBay more frequently, it had more drop-down options available compared to now. I've looked on google and the eBay forums, nothing especially helpful on there as it's mainly people trying to avoid using specific couriers like Evri and Yodel, rather than how to add an option that isn't default.

I am recently diagnosed ADHD combined type, 37 years old. I still struggle with things I've tried to study recently (work certifications, etc) and all the way back in my teens I struggled at college, barely attempted, uni etc. These factors were partly what led me to suspect I had ADHD. If I were to return to studying I know I'd need help. Still waiting for medication/titration so can't say how that'll help me yet

I am single, currently earn £50k in a public sector job that I've worked at for a few years and has prospects, and I have £20k savings. My mum and aunt sold my deceased grandparent's house (London). My mum is sharing a significant chunk of her share of the money with me, enough to comfortably put a deposit down for somewhere in an area I've always wanted to live in. However, it also could pay for an undergrad degree (part time - it's not enough for me to quit my job and live off). I have no other debts.

My career is fine and my job is stable, but it has always bothered me that I don't have a degree and in my 15+ year career the lack of one has limited/influenced my life and choices. It is a priority of mine but also feels less practical than a house, especially seeing as I've had some success in my career without one - that said, a degree for me is not only about career but also about fulfilment. I am torn.

I've started searching properties, I understand well what I can afford etc., have an AIP in place and know that I'd comfortably afford the mortgage repayments + surrounding costs plus enough to keep an emergency fund and a fund for some upgrades. I'm keeping my mind open in terms of how much I'd like spare to put in some kind of index fund, but I've decided to cross that bridge when I know how much I truly have "left over".

I've been renting for a long time and I'm sick of where I live because it's far out and lacks amenities/connections to the point of gradually wearing away at my mental health, but my landlords are really solid and the rent is stable so I've stayed here all this while. I've outgrown the place but don't want to leave to rent somewhere in a better area - if I move, it'll be because I've bought somewhere. My thinking is that if I buy a property, I'll be in an area with better amenities and travel, and my mental and social wellbeing will improve hugely especially as I'll be closer to my current workplace, my loved ones, and central London. However if I get a degree, I'll also be massively fulfilled as education has always been important to me and it's a dream of mine, plus it'll boost my career options. I would also still have some money left over, but not quite enough to comfortably afford a deposit for a property + surrounding costs like conveyancer, wriggle room money for anything that comes up etc.

I am single so I am unable to plan with a partner in mind etc. and this is my one opportunity I think to afford something comfortably on my own. I've talked to people in my life and they're also not really sure what's best as they know me really well and know both are important to me. I don't even know if there's a way to do both, as I'm quite fixed on the area I want to live in especially for the reasons laid out.

Edit: thank you for your replies, I know more about the extent of my options now. I have decided to continue down the path of home ownership and will do a MSc at the Open Uni for my career :)

Today is the last day to lock in cheaper rates for gas and electricity before the price cap increase kicks in. Normally I'd have sorted everything out but because I'm looking for somewhere to buy, I'm optimistically thinking it'll take less than a year. After my first setback I'm more prepared for the possibility of it taking a while. What should I even do? Exit fees make it less worth it especially if I do end up somehow finding somewhere and completing by the end of 2026.

More details:

(Low/cheeky) offer agreed on a flat in an area I want to live in, suits needs, etc. etc. but the lease is 86 years and the ground rent is quite high. I had held off on mentioning anything to do with lease extentions, I wrongly thought I could wait until the conveyancer started doing their searches etc. and I didn't want to put the vendor off with both a low offer and a request for them to extend the lease. Well it seems that was a bad strategy, because the mortgage broker is saying that the property is probably a no-go due to the fact that the original DIP won't apply with this property due to the high ground rent and short lease. I don't think she wants to proceed with the application, (although I have other concerns about this broker and have no idea what to make of her approach but that's probably a separate issue).

I don't know how many people in this sub have experiences with flats as it seems mostly people with freeholds/houses, I'd prefer to hear from people with experience - is there anyone who has dealt with this themselves personally, and what did you have to do? Did you have to walk away?

Edit: the title should really say NOT Right to Manage, rather than NOT share of freehold

I'm finding it surprisingly difficult to look up any info about how people in flats with service charges cope without either a) horror stories or b) people telling you to buy a house. Someone must be living in these flats and I want to know what it's like for them.

I have spoken to my one London homeowner friend (the rest rent or live with their parents, or live far outside of London in houses) and he said he just has to deal with the odd random high charge which he has an emergency fund for, but his service charge hasn't increased while he's lived there.

I am about to instruct my solicitor on an offer I've accepted (a low offer, meaning my monthly payments will be very manageable), but it's a high-ish service charge per annum. I'll find out from the solicitor what the charge history is, etc. and I know I can pull out if anything disturbs me. That said, I haven't come across many flats without service charges and property management companies so if it's not this one, it's likely going to be another one down the line.

I want to know from someone who's actually living it what the average experience is like, not the best or worst case scenario and not a speculation from someone who's never had to live with it but still has opinions. Most people don't live in London and hate flats.

edit 2: Thank you so much everyone, very helpful community ❤️

I've been talking to an agent after a viewing I did a week ago. Most of the questions have been answered, but there are a couple outstanding re. % of private ownership (it's ex council) and something the owner was liaising with the council about regarding a repair. At least one of the questions came from my mortgage broker. The last email he sent me was on Weds, and I phoned the office today to see if I could speak to him but he was out. I may or may not be irritating him, I don't know, but what I do know is that I'd like to put down an offer.

My first offer will obviously be my lowest, and I'm prepared to keep going until I hit my limit which I'm mentally firm on so I'm not worried too much about that part, funnily enough, but I want to send the offer via email and not sure if I should if he's yet to reply my last email (sent yesterday). They're also open tomorrow so I know I can send it then too. Have any of you been in this position?

(I've seen many tips about dropping the offer in the letterbox; the seller does not live in the property and I do not have their contact details)

I've been looking at East London as I'm from there originally, and I'm now in a position to buy a 2 bed flat. I've been looking at two boroughs specifically, and I've viewed an ex council flat that I may actually put an offer in on. However, the local authority is the freeholder, and I've seen many other properties that are similar across both areas, so I need to be open to the possibility of living in ex council. I've been all over the internet trying to figure out what these councils are like as freeholders, because some are better than others, but I can't figure it out.

Due to bias etc. about East London a lot of stuff out there just refers to the place as a "shit hole" or complains about certain local politicians, but very little of it is informative or objective, especially as I'm very familiar with both areas/communities and think neither of them are "shit holes". I want to know what service charge increases are like and how they're handled, I want to know about alterations as some councils are stricter than others, I want to be able to research who carries out their maintenance, etc. (e.g. the tenant said that the current maintenance is kept to a high standard, which I noticed myself. This maintenance is conducted by the local authority - I want to know if they're in-house or contracted). Is there any forum (paid or free) where I can research this kind of stuff?

... that they failed?

I've had the first part of my assessment (NHS) after being on the waiting list for years, and the session lasted for about 2 hours. My next one is the week after next. I walked away with that same sinking feeling I get when I know I'm not getting the job after an interview. Did anyone else feel the same?