u/filipinohno

So it’s my 5th week in college I’m 18F, and I go to a big university in Ireland - one I dreamed of going since I was in primary school. I hate it. I have made a few very small friendships and the closest one being an exchange student only here for a semester. I have almost no friends outside of uni except for online. My course is extremely boring and tbh it should be quite easy yet I’m falling behind and struggling to catch up because my attendance is so low. Im currently studying education with modern language and I am questioning if it’s something i actually want to do in the future.

Ive joined a few societies, gone to a few events but I just don’t even know how to talk to people anymore.

I know it’s still early days of college but I am struggling A LOT. How much longer should I stick it out for?? and does it get better?

So, I had a super tight knit friend group of 4 but I wasn’t a good friend. I basically stopped being able to differentiate between speaking about my problems with my friendships and then straight up talking shit about the people I love the most. With that, I also then therapised one of my friends and hurt them in the process - because who wants to hear constant negativity about their own friends? I was also highly hypocritical and would be mean without even noticing thinking I would be joking harmlessly but whenever anyone would do that to me, I would take it extremely badly and just go quiet and ruin the vibes. This is all just context tbh and they all voiced their issues with me and they said they needed distance from me for a bit. 

That was all good and soon they did warm up to me again which I was extremely grateful for and I took that time to really think about everything and try to work on those things mentally. We started playing games again and even hung out, I was extremely cautious of how I’ve been acting and I really did feel like I improved a bit but it obviously does need more time.

However, a few days ago I felt that one of my friends, who I hurt the most for further reasons, seemed to be really pissed off at me again and starting ignoring my messages or just being extremely dry but would reply normally to everyone else. They also even said in messages - not directed towards me - that they were irked today and I couldn’t help but feel that it was because of me because of how everything was lining up. And in all honesty, I can’t even blame them for being upset with me for past actions but prior to this they seemed to be okay with me again so I am just extremely confused with the switch up and I am almost certain i have not said or done anything to upset them again. Then, later that day I saw all my friends playing games together without me. 

Also, during the time they were keeping distance with me, only one person really said that distance was what they wanted while the other two were talking to me just fine. They then all had a sleepover together and one of the friends who I had been talking to kept it a secret to protect me from fomo which I understand but still would have appreciated the honesty because i took it badly when it was something I wasnt aware of - I wouldn’t have asked to join knowing space was needed. I then wrote a super long message in a group chat asking if they really didn’t want me around (i will admit wasnt the best move) but they then cleared everything up later.

I bring that up because again, I am being ignored not just by one person but by everyone and I am extremely tempted to ask if I have done something to upset them again but I am not so sure if it’s a good idea because I feel like I’ve bothered them with these issues over and over again. Should I just wait it out and let them tell me? Or will they just slowly drift away and stop talking to me full stop.

Ive also just typed this up after having a panic attack for the first time.. I really want clarification or some sort of confirmation of how they really feel because everytime I say something in our messages I begin to panic and can’t stop checking if anyone will respond to me - which has not happened.

if there are any baristas here, how did you get your job? I would really prefer to avoid going through a barista course just because of the cost but I’m not sure if I can ever get a job without the experience.

I was talking to this guy on tinder and we really got along well but our chat disappeared and I never got to ask for his socials :( I am not sure if he unmatched w me or if i did by accident but there was no reason to. I don’t want to post his info on here but if anybody could help me find him please message me!!