My First Love Broke Me in a Way I Still Haven’t Fully Recovered From
I first saw her in 6th grade at school, I thought she was real pretty and cute but she was a stranger and I was kind of a loser so I didn’t do anything about it.
Fast forward to 8th grade, we happen to be in the same class and have a mutual friend who was a girl aswell. I wasn’t super close with this mutual friend we had but it was my only friend who was a girl so I was somewhat close. At this point in time I was fully coming out of my shell with the help of my friend whom I was also in this class with. His over confidence helped me gain some confidence aswell, I am forever grateful for this.
Towards the middle of 8th grade I became very close with this mutual friend we had and also somewhat close with her. I begun falling in love with her, with her personality, with her everything. She was a platonic crush since I was ugly, skinny, and not on her level.
8th grade ended and we all got even closer as a friend group, we became a trio. A boy and 2 girls trio. Over the summer since I was hopelessly in love with her I started improving myself to come to her level. Just in time I hit puberty, got taller, deeper voice, manlier, more attractive, got a new haircut, got wider, got more confident and even started martial arts with fitness to get a desirable body.
When 9th grade rolled around I was much better in every aspect and she could feel the difference. I could see the look in her eyes change. We happened to get in the same class again however this time the class was filled with weirdos and new kids so we both had no friends. We were both sad but I was happy secretly because I knew I could get closer to her in terms of maybe even becoming girlfriend boyfriend.
We played eye tag in classes and every time I had butterflies in my stomach. She was an angel in my eyes. A few weeks like this passed and then our mutual friend said
to me that she was into me so I said that I was into her. 2 days after that talk, I asked her out and she said yes. I had the biggest smile on my face and couldn’t stop smiling, this was merely a dream a platonic crush and now it was reality. I had rebuilt myself for her, at this point in time I had a crush on her for 8-9 months. Also nobody could comprehend on how I started dating her since I was like a wimpy skinny loser kid. At first just like every relationship it seemed perfect. The friend that made me come out of my shell accused me of only using her for her body and that I was just going to “fuck her and drop her” right infront of her. I did not want this relationship to end so suddenly so I stopped being friends with him on the line and later cried that night thinking how I made her feel. I felt a bit bad towards my male friend because we got along nice but he was at the end of the day just an over confident jerk. We had nice very fun dates and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to date her.
Not too much later, cracks began forming. She was starting to lose interest but I was not believing it. I kept reassuring myself and even getting reassurance from our mutual friend. She started to give less effort and less love every week while I was giving more trying to fix it. She started not responding to my good morning messages, not wanting to meet up, acting cold towards me. These might seem little but they slowly got worse, the worse it got the more I tried because in my eyes she was perfect and if she acted this way I must have done something. I got her flowers the very first time I came over to her house, I got her favourite flowers. The mutual friend helped me set it up but once I gave it to her all she said was “alright” in a not giving a fuck but acting shocked way. I didn’t think much of it, “she could have been tired of all I know. “ I said to myself.
When our 1 month anniversary showed up, I made her a hand-made anniversary card. Filled with our pictures and why I loved those specific pictures and how she made my world shine. I gave it to her at school with her friends because they helped me make the card. She opened it flipped all the pages for the pictures and didn’t even read the words that came out of my heart. She said thank you hugged me and that was it. Following that day, after what happened, I became sad and unresponsive. We sat together in every class and this was in math class. I barely talked or made her laugh, which I always did. When she asked what was wrong I said “nothing”, she responded with “I can’t believe my boyfriend fell into depression because Im better than him at math” and laughed. I did a fake laugh and couldn’t believe in my head that she thought I was cold because of math. Fast forward to the end of the day, she sent me 2 snaps saying “I read the card now thank you so much”, “You wrote it super nice”, she only said these because our mutual friend thought she was being very rude to me and that I deserved better than just a simple “thank you”.
Fast forward to her birthday which happened around our 1-2nd month of dating, I got us a table at a very nice luxurious local diner 1 day before her birthday so she could enjoy her actual one with her family. The dinner was great, I specially planned for a dessert to come with a candle for her birthday. She was in shock when she saw it because I was treating her insane for our age. I wanted the best for her so did what I could. After the dinner we went to the cinema and got our first kiss when watching a silly movie. I had a present for her but I was going to give it at her party.
Fast forward to her party which happened a few weeks after, the relationship was getting more and more one sided by the day. Atp I was a jester for her. The party day our mutual friend called me and said that my gf wanted to make out with me that night. I was shocked, thrilled and scared all at the same time, we had only kissed for about 4-5 times and she wanted more. Her party started at a diner very close to her house, I sat alongside her and she had all of her friends at the table. I got her a very nice bracelet she would love to wear, and she did love it and wear it. I was very happy because I carefully picked this bracelet by asking all her friends for opinions and even discovered the brand she wears by simply observing her wrist and her other bracelets. After the party me her and her other 2 friends went to her home, her parents wasn’t at home that day and she wanted me on her bed making out with her. We got to the home, and then on to her bed on her room alone with her other friends chilling in the living room. She wanted me to do the first move and I couldn’t since I was too scared, it was my first time atlas. After a few minutes watching TikTok together I gathered up the courage and dived in. We made out and it felt incredible, I couldn’t believe this was really happening. Only a few months ago she was just a platonic crush but now we were making out. We had a few breaks in between and when we were finished we went to the living room to watch a horror movie. We started the movie but we kept making out. We made out a total of like 2-3 hours with breaks in between, I flew too close to the sun and started falling.
After this day she started being even MORE cold and like she didn’t love me, she even stopped hugging me bye at school which we did every day. It was later revealed to me that she was considering breaking up with me because I had used her for her body or made her feel like I did. We later argued about this and she was saying things like “I was drinking water to create breaks and give hints to you that I wanted to stop but you kept going”, she did drink water and so did I but also WE kept going. She even connected this to my old male friend who said I was going to use her for her body and that she was afraid. I felt so terrible because I felt like I had made her feel this way and even maybe ruin this relationship. I cried that day we argued because of how terrible I made her feel. We later made up but had some physical boundaries.
Fast forward to 2.5 months the relationship was completely one sided now and she never hugged me texted me gm or gn it was basically over for her. I kept getting more sad and depressed so I stopped just like her as a test to see if she would react. Me and our mutual friend did this test together and she did not give a fuck, she even said to our mutual friend that she did not care if I stopped doing allat and that she would just do even less if I did. So I came back to how I originally treated her because she was the prize and I was the loser.
Like a week later out of the blue she texted me a paragraph. I was currently on the toilet fresh off a FaceTime with the trio when she revealed that she wanted to take a break with me because she was going through a tough time because of somethings she couldn’t tell and felt like it would be best if we took a break to not hurt each other. I completely got into shock, I didn’t know what to do and when. Thankfully our mutual friend helped me a lot. The next day, for the first time in 2.5 months I sat apart from her and everyone in class was staring. I had no friends to sit next to, but one guy accepted me and invited me over (He later became my closest friend in that class). That day and a few days after, I stopped eating mostly. I was insanely stressed all the time to the point where I didn’t get hungry. I was searching for answers all the time with our mutual friend but she didn’t know also. It was later revealed to me that there was no actual reason for the break, she just wanted to see if her life was good enough without me and was deciding to break up with me for no reason. Our mutual friend revealed it to me after deciding I was the better person and that she was a bad person. Maybe she was bored of me. Our break lasted like 5 days and during those 5 days she flirted with 4-5 different guys, physically and verbally. One of those guys was the very person that invited me over, he didn’t want to do anything with her it was obvious but she kept flirting with him and touching him right infront of me while we were in the break. Our mutual friend broke the news to me that she was going to break up with me, and said that I should break up first. I didn’t do it and she dumped me. At this point in life I was very depressed and felt unloveable to the point where I felt like actual trash that had no value. I broke down crying my hardest that day on the toilet. I started focusing more on wrestling and trying to forget her but I never could heal from it. I really loved this girl to the fullest. I had playlists of love songs for her, dreams about her, planning our future by myself because I thought and believed she was the one.
A few weeks later she asked our mutual friend if I could be friends with her again, she was begging for the trio to comeback. I did 1 FaceTime because the mutual friend asked me to and she acted as if nothing had happened between us. It was very weird and I never talked to her again. She wanted to become friends again because her jester was gone, the one making her laugh and feel special was gone. However she didn’t seem to care much since she only asked 2 times and never mentioned it again.
I later dated a whore willingly just for the few cuddles before she dumped me for another man. The time I had with this girl was very short but I feel like her physical touch helped me heal a ton even though I felt worthless again when she dumped me aswell. I had even got her flowers, her favourite.
The last time we talked was around the end of 9th grade where I was texting our mutual friend while she was next to her. I asked our mutual friend “is she next to you?” She answered “yes, so what?” And I simply replied “demon” meaning I was calling her one. She then later send a selfie, and it had her face not our mutual friend’s face. I was texting her the whole time thinking I was texting our mutual friend. I felt a little embarrassed at first but then later felt proud because I said what I felt to her face in some sort of way.
Now it is almost going to be a year from our anniversary and I feel like I’m still not over her. I don’t love or like her anymore I actually think she is the devil but I just get sad and depressed whenever I think about her maybe because of the way I was treated and how I felt. I still feel some emotions towards her even though they are not positive emotions, while I don’t even care about the whore I dated. Currently she became a whore herself, makes out and talks with different boys at the same times. She was my first love and I am ashamed to tell this story to my own mother because of how stupid and weak I was. At the end of the day I don't seem to miss her anymore, I miss what the relationship represented and I’m still carrying the injury from how it ended and happened.