u/finnhat3syou

My boyfriend and i (together for 5 1/2 months) had an argument, i wont go into detail but it was a big argument, and the simplified reason is that it was over me having fictional crushes. it was our first big argument and it took a couple days to resolve. when it was resolved, he went back to normal for a few days. (hes always extremely affectionate, texts me a lot, tells me he loves me and misses me very passionately, texts in an excited tone, etc. so thats what “normal” means here) but then he had to go on a trip for boy scouts. it was a backpacking trip, it lasted a while and resulted in i think maybe 4-5 days of us not talking at ALL because he had no service. while he was gone i sent him a bunch of texts to come back to, every day i texted him telling him about my day and about how i love him and miss him dearly, but when he came back he didnt reply to any of them. i noticed he was acting different almost immediately, because his replies seemed more curt and didnt have their usual enthusiastic tone. i chalked it up to him being tired from his trip, and thats what he told me it was too, but a couple days ago we had another fight ABOUT the fight we had before. this time it was less of a fight and more him telling me things and me apologizing. he told me something specific i said in the fight made him “feel a certain way” that he couldnt shake, and that he didnt see me the same way after it. i apologized and we talked it out but he still doesnt seem the same at all. i always ask him during these fights if he wants to break up with me (as an honest question, because the way he words things come off like thats his intention) and he always says no. i dont know what im supposed to do now though. he seems off still and maybe its because hes on another trip right now (this time a vacation) and hes still just tired but i cant help being anxious. his texts are shorter, less enthusiastic, and he replies to my affection with the bare minimum. (ex: if i said “i love you so so so much. i love you more than anything in the whole world” his reply would just be “i love you too” or “i love you so much” which again, isnt how he normally acted before.) i cant get rid of the thought that hes losing feelings for me, or that hes planning to break up with me, or that the honeymoon phase is over for him now. i dont know what to do with these anxious feelings or how to reassure myself, and asking him for reassurance doesnt help because of the fact that hes replying so differently from how he used to. what can i do? i wanna talk to him about it but i dont wanna do it over text, so do i wait until hes back from his vacation? or do i not talk to him about it at all? i feel this impending doom about our relationship like he’ll break up with me if i dont do something to fix this, but i dont know what im supposed to do or fix. please help. id appreciate any advice you have.

me (f17) and my boyfriend (m16) have been together for almost 5 months, and its been a consistent issue in our relationship that i have fictional crushes. the crushes i have on these fictional characters do not hinder my love for him, ive offered time and time again to stop talking about them when the issue has risen up and he told me every time he doesnt want me to because he just wants me to be happy.

once i noticed it was really severely upsetting him when i talked about them even though he told me i could, i stopped. i dont talk to him about them, i avoid even saying their names to him when im talking to him about the anime theyre from. i dont express it on my social media by posting about it like i used to, but i still repost edits sometimes of them.

well, yesterday he saw one of the reposts and it really upset him. i tried to tell him i reposted it for a reason other than having a crush (which was my mistake, i shouldve been honest) to avoid him getting upset, but the situation of him getting really upset every time i even mention any character i have a fictional crush on has been getting aggravating so i brought it up.

i told him that its okay to be jealous and ive told him that over and over again and that i want him to tell me when hes jealous, but its just an aggravating situation because when i mention these fictional crushes he gets so jealous he just sort of shuts down and becomes less communicative. i told him they arent real and dont pose a threat to our relationship and that i think its okay and normal to have fictional crushes or be attracted to fictional characters, and that its fine if you dont want your partner to prioritize these characters over you or have celebrity crushes even, but these arent real people.

he said he doesnt want me to have these crushes and doesnt want me to have crushes on anyone but him even if they arent real, and that it scares him because theyre nothing like him. he said he didnt tell me this before because he wants me to be happy but he was freaking out.

i told him i was avoiding telling him how i feel for the same reason because he gets so viscerally upset when i mention having a fictional crush, and i told him i want us to have a relationship where i can like fictional characters or have fictional crushes without him getting so upset.

i tried telling him the basic stuff like “they arent real” and telling him i dont prefer them over him, but he said no amount of reassurance fixes it when he knows i have romantic feelings for characters he doesnt resonate with at all. he said it scares him not because he doesnt trust me but because it makes him feel unloved that i even have the ability to be attracted to others.

he then said he wasnt going to compare us but as soon as we got into our relationship he dropped all of his fictional crushes because he couldnt find attraction for anyone but me. i said “finding qualities that you dont have attractive in a fictional character doesnt mean i wish you had those qualities or prefer those characters or qualities over who you are now” and he told me that didnt help at all.

i kind of feel bad for this part because i feel like i came off as mean but i said “well i dont know what else to say, you want me to say that i share the same experience as you and would never have a fictional crush or even be attracted to a fictional character ever again that isnt like you because i cant be attracted to anything that isnt you but thats just not how i feel, we dont share the same experience.” i told him its normal to have fictional crushes and that i dont know what to do to fix his insecurity and fear, and i told him i didnt tell him about them to not make him jealous. its not like i was flaunting my fictional crushes to him and telling him everything i love about them.

i dont understand why hes so upset at me or how to fix his insecurity, how can i help him? how can i fix this situation?