u/fluvialcrunchy

I’m thinking it’s about time to upgrade my GPU but I don’t want to lose functionality of this absolutely necessary plugin.

Sometimes I have restless leg symptoms in my left leg. But sometimes my restless leg does not manifest in my leg as a physical feeling, but a restlessness sensation only in my brain. It’s like someone pressing a button in my head that says “wake up! No comfortable rest or sleep for you!” It’s like an agitation, or a feeling of mental stress that is hard to explain. I find myself tossing and turning in a fitful half-sleep until I realize what’s going on. I wouldn’t notice the feeling it if I were actively doing something, and mentally engaged, but sitting or lying down passively this feeling causes me to not be able to relax at all.

I don’t know how much in common my symptoms have with others with RLS. What I experience is caused by a surgery from a shrapnel wound that necessitated a rectal bisection over a decade ago. The only time I have any RLS or “restless brain” symptoms is when I have any amount of stool in my rectum. It’s a shitty problem to have, and some nights I have to get up 3 or 4 times to push out a tiny little turd the size of a pea just so I can go to sleep. But of course my body keeps shit moving that way because that’s what it’s supposed to do. I assume the sensation must be caused by stool contact with scar tissue or nerves that were somehow crossed when the area healed. Any doctor I’ve mentioned this to in the past just scratches their head and says “hm yeah that’s pretty weird”.

I’m seeing a doctor about it soon to hopefully treat it as RLS. I’m so tired of losing sleep this way. But has anyone experienced this sort of RLS feeling only mentally and not physically at times?

I find myself constantly wondering how life seems to “happen” for so many people. They never have to question their place in things, and everything from daily chores to small and large ambitions are undertaken in the way a dolphin knows how to swim. They find themselves in relationships, peaceful or tumultuous. They find themselves with children, either joyfully or regretfully. They seem to know where they should be going, regardless of whether they are foolish or wise. Life events all just happen in automatic succession. The things that tell you if you’ve made it, or are on your way to where you think you’re supposed to be going. But where is it I’m supposed to be going?

If things can happen to some people, why not me? I don’t know anything, and I know less and less every day. Even a false sense of certainty is better than none, but I can’t even conjure that up. Sometimes things happen, but what they mean I can’t say. It seems like the wheel of my life should be turning, but it creaks and jerks. What is missing from my internal world that would drive it forward into self sustaining action, and furthering my own existence? Is it fuel of some inner engine, or a divinely inspired sense of meaning and eternal purpose, or an internal directive that failed to materialize?

The past couple years, and especially this year, I have come to experience some negative symptoms after masturbation and especially orgasming. I may or may not feel some minor anxiety an hour or two afterwards, lasting a few hours. But when I wake up the next day I feel sort of “hung over” with a low grade headache. It’s not as debilitating as a lot of the POIS symptoms. I might have a slight foggy feeling for a few days. My mood can also dip for a couple weeks.

I can’t ignore my own habits that I think may have contributed to this. I became a gooner long before the word came into vogue or I knew it was actually a thing, mostly because I liked to create erotic art. And I don’t know how normal this is for a guy, but usually when I orgasm I have about 4-8 orgasms, or separate waves of orgasms at a time, so when I’m orgasming from masturbating it’s for like 30-60 seconds.

Without knowing the exact, scientific cause of this, I wonder if the bottom line is that seeking too much pleasure has contributed to the negative experience. Perhaps I’ve been using up more physiological or neurological resources than my body or brain can keep up with. But it really makes me wonder if I’m going to have to give up sexual pleasure altogether just to maintain equilibrium.

I have cut back on that a lot, but even so it seems that I’m only becoming more sensitive to the negative after-effects.