u/foreal_devil

I was wrong. I was just delusional. I stayed away from substance abuse because they believed me, but I was dumb to think I could control my urge. I was coping. I knew the doctor would prescribe me a sedative, and then I would get high, not every day, but sometimes these urges are getting over me. I don't know how many days my willpower will stay with me. I am just a loser; I am not worthy enough for your trust. Sooner or later I will start coping with another substance. The only thing  left is REGRETS you  believed me, but I couldn't compete with your existing trust.

I started drinking because I wanted to socialize.

My friends were already my friends before alcohol, but I was always a little nervous around them. When I drank, that nervousness disappeared, and I thought our friendship had become stronger because of it. And then it became daily drinking, and when I understood that I was addicted to it, it was too late.

For a long time, I believed they stayed with me because of alcohol. I was wrong. They helped me when they had no reason to. They cared about me even when alcohol had nothing to do with it.

I know I'm addicted to alcohol and cigarettes, but I struggle to find a reason to quit. Maybe it's because I've survived everything so far. Maybe it's because I never truly saw the pain my choices caused the people around me.

I don't think much about my family.

And that may be the worst thing a son can do.

I don't think much about my future either.

Maybe it's because I'm still stuck in my past.

If you asked me for my happiest memories, I'd probably tell you about the days I spent drinking from morning to night.

Now, all that's left is regret and guilt.

The worst part is that I don't even know if I want to change.

The only thing holding me back is the trust they still have in me.

They believe in me more than I believe in myself, and that trust is what hurts the most.

There's a quote that always stays in my mind

"FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE AND LET IT KILL YOU"