u/freetoexpressme

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Hello 25yo here and have been sh on and off since teens, its always kinda been a spontaneous outlet that I would do as rare as once a year

To my demise i have relapsed, and this time it feels way more compulsive and often instead, and i dont know how to deal with it. i used to primarily create big bruises but i have fallen into the slippery slope of cutting as well this time

I know that the very best decision would be to stop before it gets worse but I can feel that i dont have it in me to do so at the moment, so i try to be cautious about avoiding areas with important arteries, i try to clean everything well to prevent infection, i tell myself I won't go past styro (but I also said that about scratches, so rationally I see the problem but yet its like im convinced emotionally that it's under control,,)

For me sh is more visual than pain centered, so ice cubes and elastic bands dont satisfy the itch

i try to substitute with drawing on skin with markers/paint/makeup/pigment/etc or other activities instead and it works some of the time

I was thinking that id always wanted to get a couple of tattoos or more with some personal meanings, and perhaps if i placed them on the usual sh sites, the tattoo could sort of work as a "barrier" because i would want to take care of it, but when i actually imagine the feeling of being blocked from inflicting harm where I want to I get irrationally anxious about it like im somehow restrained, even though that is the exact purpose of the tattoo, I dont know how to shake that feeling

or even what else to do,, any healthier coping or perspective shifting advice welcome

note: i am working w professionals and theyre super nice but I know + they know that they can only try to motivate me to stop and I have free will :/

**endnote I hope you guys have given yourselves even just 5 seconds of grace to give a pat on the shoulder to remember that despite how everything feels it is a feat to be alive today<3**

Hello 25yo here and have been sh on and off since teens, its always kinda been a spontaneous outlet that I would do as rare as once a year

To my demise i have relapsed, and this time it feels way more compulsive and often instead, and i dont know how to deal with it. i used to primarily create big bruises but i have fallen into the slippery slope of cutting as well this time

I know that the very best decision would be to stop before it gets worse but I can feel that i dont have it in me to do so at the moment, so i try to be cautious about avoiding areas with important arteries, i try to clean everything well to prevent infection, i tell myself I won't go past styro (but I also said that about scratches, so rationally I see the problem but yet its like im convinced emotionally that it's under control,,)

For me sh is more visual than pain centered, so ice cubes and elastic bands dont satisfy the itch

i try to substitute with drawing on skin with markers/paint/makeup/pigment/etc or other activities instead and it works some of the time

I was thinking that id always wanted to get a couple of tattoos or more with some personal meanings, and perhaps if i placed them on the usual sh sites, the tattoo could sort of work as a "barrier" because i would want to take care of it, but when i actually imagine the feeling of being blocked from inflicting harm where I want to I get irrationally anxious about it like im somehow restrained, even though that is the exact purpose of the tattoo, I dont know how to shake that feeling

or even what else to do,, any healthier coping or perspective shifting advice welcome

note: i am working w professionals and theyre super nice but I know + they know that they can only try to motivate me to stop and I have free will :/

endnote I hope you guys have given yourselves even just 5 seconds of grace to give a pat on the shoulder to remember that despite how everything feels it is a feat to be alive today<3