There were only two times that I said those words since November 2, 2025, but I was wrong. Those three words, "I'm doing better "which I kept saying to myself, were fkg bullshit. I was trying to convince myself that I was going to be okay after 44 years of marriage , to the best man in the world.
I AM NOT DOING BETTER
I could never understand why so many "old" people looked so depressed /sad. I promised myself I would NEVER end up in their situation; I planned on my life being nothing but happy. But guess what? I am now 67 years old, and I probably have the saddest, most depressed face in this world. So many disappointments . . . I tried SO hard to be the best mom, best wife, and the best worker that I could be.
Now I'm here wallowing in my sadness. My son died, which leaves me with such guilt about being a good mom; then my husband died, who was my best friend. Now I understand that those people were just struggling to survive. Now I AM the "old" person just tying to survive.
As much as I treasure this forum, it still leaves me SO DAMN SAD {and MAD}. at him. I am so pissed that he left me. That's not the way we planned to love each other. Now I am trying to cope with the most mundane things, to everything. Things that we did for our love and commitment in our relationship. I am trying my best to be sociable - not interested. How do you go from a marriage of 44 years, to NOTHING
I am not kidding. There are times when I say to myself, "This is your life now",, but I still
can't comprehend how severe the grief in my life is without him. I truly appreciate all of the understanding and support that I've received here.
Damn it all. How dare the world take my husband from me? I am crying as I type this. We were together for 44 years, minding our own business, living our lives with total respect and love for each other. And now I'm expected to act like our love never happened or existed.
His name is/was Gil. I miss him with every beat of my heart.
I sometimes wonder how my husband would handle it if it were HE in this predicament. Would he be in as much turmoil as I am in right now? I've always thought that he was the strong one in our relationship . . . I wish that he and I could trade places because I'm not doing well without him in my life.
I'm getting ready to sign off of this forum. Its been 24 hours of no sleep. I can't seem to escape the loss of him and all of the sorrow I am feeling. Hopefully, I won't wake up.
It's been nine months, and I am SO tired of acting like everything is okay. I never chose to be an actress, but it's all I've been trying to do these days. My husband is DEAD, yet I am the one who has to put up with people, and my life , every day,' and then give myself "permission" to totally lose it when I am alone. It is beyond me . I feel this sense of obligation to act normal every day, even though I've been up all hours of the night alone. I'm not sure how long I can keep up with this charade. It is now 6.44am here in Colorado and I still haven't been able to sleep. I just need him back.
I hate that saying. My husband of 44 years WAS at peace just by being with me; I know that for a fact. It was "you and me against the world". Whoever came up with that stupid anecdote didn't know what the hell they were talking about. I miss you, my love - now and forever.
I tried "counting sheep," but it hasn't helped. I can't erase the fact that my husband is gone.
I'm supposed to have dinner at my friend's house today, but I know that's not going to happen. I can't imagine changing my somber mood into a feeling of social connection. I DON'T WANT to to "connect" with people who I have to act normal with. I just want my husband back.
I feel SO alone, no matter who I am with. They go on and on with their conversations and, the whole time, I am only thinking about my grief and how much I am missing my husband. Its getting harder and harder to act like I am okay, just to appease them. My "friends" see it as "wow, she's okay now" - NOT
I'm supposed to be strong, but I'm not. Sending my husband into the abyss is totally unacceptable to me. We were so happy and at peace together. To know that I don't really know where he is , its killing me. I just want to be with him no matter where he is. We were married for 44 years and life without him is excruciating. I love you, my love.
People say "he's in a better place". The better place is, and will always be, OUR place together.
I know for a fact that the better place for him was when we were together.
Then they say "RIP". Bullshit, we were at peace when we were together. We werent even close to giving that up.
Then they say '"he'd want you to be happy and not be so sad. But guess what? We never had that conversation because we never believed this time would come.
Then they say "move on", I'm finally crying as I'm typing. There is no "moving on" without the love of my live.
ValerieF67