r/Widow

Hi there my friend lost her partner this week they have a 9 month old baby and she has no family around. I want to do something for her but I just have no idea what. shes had food brought to her home from other mum friends but I just dont know what to do or how to support her we are only in our mid 20s and ive never had to help someone through this kind of grief so what can I do to support her and baby?

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask I am sorry for all of your losses but hoping you could share insight on what helped you through this extremely hard time

My husband passed away only more than a month ago and I miss him. My body misses him. I have been reliving the times that we were intimate, to the point that I would pleasure myself. I watch adult videos too. But with him, and only him in mind. I dont want to do it with anyone but him.

But he’s gone.

How did you go through life after their passing, in this aspect?

We’re planning to scatter some of my husband’s ashes soon and I’m trying to figure out logistics. We’ll be traveling abroad to do this. I’ve already sorted out all the legal and logistical aspects of traveling with cremains, but I haven’t figured out what to put them in.

I’ll be keeping some of the ashes and already have them in an urn at home. To be frank, I don’t really want to spend a few hundred dollars on an additional urn just to take it somewhere and empty it out. It also doesn’t seem feasible to bring the current urn and somehow only scatter part of what’s in there and then pack it and take it home again. Should I buy an inexpensive urn and transfer some ashes just for the scattering? Is there another option I’m not thinking of?

My husband unexpectedly died last year at age 47 from an undiagnosed cardiovascular disease. We shared 15 wonderful years together. He leaves behind me and our three young kids. He was the most loving, kind, joyful, easygoing yet hardworking, and thoughtful man I had ever met in my life. He rarely got angry and when he did, he was gentle with his words. He let me be whoever I wanted to be and loved me fully, whatever version of myself I was working on. While working full-time, he always said I had the hardest job as a homeschool mom who stayed with the kids even though he himself had quite a demanding career. Even with an intense work and travel schedule, he insisted on carrying half of the household and childcare chores as a way to show me appreciation. He didn't want to decompress much after work. He wanted to squeeze out every minute of time he could spend with the kids and me. When traveling, he would call/video/text us whenever he had a free moment. We knew we were his heart. At home, he would help constantly without being asked. My kids have learned this from him. He truly was my best friend and partner in life.

Why do the good have to die so young? He was such a good person. He deserved to live a long life. I grieve how he worked so hard and gave so much love to me and our kids, and wasn't able to live long enough to see the fruits of his efforts. I grieve all the milestones he will miss. I miss all the things we would dream about that will never happen--like being like that cute old couple we would see holding hands and walking around the neighborhood.

I keep myself from falling apart by staying focused on the goals we shared & the hopes we had for our kids. I will make sure I do all I can to finish what we started, God-willing. His life was not in vain. This season of grief has been one of doing everything I can to keep as much of their lives unchanged from before he died--predictable routines, same extracurriculars, same chores, same friends, etc. That predictability has actually helped with our grief. It ironically gave us space to grieve him fully.

I talk about him everyday with the kids. Reminding them of memories, sharing funny stories, giving them reminders of how they are each so much like their dad. For the first few months, they didn't talk about him much. It is only in the last couple months that they have begun to bring him up in casual conversation almost everyday--such as, "You guys, remember when Dad made us scrambled eggs with eggs that went bad and how gross it was?? It was disgusting!" And everyone would laugh. Seeing that they remember so much is heartwarming. They even bring up memories that I had forgotten.

A couple decades ago, I was divorced without kids before meeting him. I will not speak for everyone, but I found from my own experience that a divorce from a bad relationship was more traumatizing and destabilizing than losing a spouse to death after a loving and happy marriage. With a divorce, I had psychological injuries to heal and had to deal with social rejection from stigmas associated with divorcees. It was messy and our shared life, friends, assets all had to be split. I had a chip on my shoulder and knew there was always a chance I might run into him unexpectedly.

With my husband's death, the pain is completely different. I am shattered at unexpected moments when I remember how good we had it, and knowing the kids and I have to keep moving forward without him here with us. There is the abject confusion of how someone who appeared so healthy and full of joyful light could be here one day, and gone the next. Just, poof.

We have received a lot of warmth and support from our social circles, and the life we built together remains intact as "our" life, not split his/hers. The pain is from knowing he is supposed to be here, and is deeply wanted here, but will never be here again. We are rebuilding a life knowing that the life we had with him alive was better than any version I can possibly imagine going forward.

I’ve been reading a lot about the afterlife the last two months after the loml passed. A lot of mediums and people who research NDEs say that in the afterlife, souls are interconnected beings of life.

Sorry, but I hate that. I want to see my ex again. After all, we were days away from getting back together and ready to make it work, that it is brutally unfair that I wouldn’t be able to actually see and be with him again even after I die.

I know there’s no point stressing about it but I’m angry. I want to see him, hold him, talk to him while we’re sitting in the park or on a drive. I want this life, but better. I want to have sex with him again. I want him to be him and me to be me.

I‘m not religious in the least, but I have become somewhat spiritual. Has anyone found answers? I’m not ready or able to process not seeing him again in the way I want to.

I was afraid of widows fire would be a thing for me. I ended up going on dating apps to meet ppl because I work from home full-time.

I met this guy and we talked for a month. And we met up yesterday and the chemistry was really insane. We ended up going on a drive, he kissed my hand and everything. We took dinner to go to have at his place and once we got there, things got out of hand.

He was saying he wanted to please me since it’s been so long and wanted to make me feel good. We didn’t go all the way but it was more than I was expecting.

On the drive back I felt so sick to my stomach. Like I have to succumb to this and feeling empty and alone. Like I can never be in love. I don’t know what is wrong with me that I even agreed to meet this loser of a guy.

Loneliness is crazy sometimes

I’ve recently come across a few YouTube videos, where men discussed how they love their wives I would never cheat on them. However, in some cases, they are talking about how it’s been 35 years and they are still thinking of their first love.

This is true? I would love to hear more experiences from you guys.

Thank you!

We may have lost our wife’s , but we don’t have to lose our sense of hope. To every widow here, you are seen, you are understood, and you are not alone.

It's been two weeks since my husband died, and tonight was my birthday. I had a lot of family around me to help make it feel like a pretty good day, but when all the fun died down and I was alone I felt so sad to have a birthday without him celebrating it with me. Then I remembered it was actually my birthday when he called me and asked me out. It was my 26th birthday, some friends had taken me out to dinner and on the way home I got a call from him (we'd known each other through mutual friends so we'd had each other's numbers) and he wished me a happy birthday and asked if he could take me out sometime. I remember being impressed because at that time (2000's) and that age (our 20's) everyone was all about "hanging out" and hooking up, doing group hangs and things like that. I was impressed that he'd called and asked me out on a proper date.

Tonight was my 44th birthday. I keep thinking back to that night and then in my head I see one of those movie montages that flashes through time going faster and faster like a tape playing at double time. First we're those two young kids planning a date and then it's a blur of love and sex and moving in together and jobs and pets and trips and marriage and pregnancy and a baby and another baby and a house. And then it's like that record scratch noise and here I am. He's gone. Those two kids had no idea what was in store, and I certainly never thought I would end up here. It's crushing. This would be one sad fucking movie.

On the other hand, I'm now acutely aware that our next birthday is not guaranteed. One of the first things I thought this morning was, how strange and unfair that I get to have another birthday and he doesn't. I guess that realization propelled me to enjoy the day to a certain degree, but damn this is hard.

I was VERY UNEXPECTEDLY widowed at 31. I lost my brother one year before that and my dad five years before my brother who was my only sibling.

Becoming a widow was the hardest loss out of the three because we were SO close and it wrecked my life. Now I'm a 40 year old architect who's remained single and live a quiet life alone (not in a bad way... just not how I imagined things would turn out for me).

Yet some of my friends haven't experienced ANY tragedy at all. Nothing. I'm happy for them but it makes me wonder if I'm largely the only one who just obviously got a bad hand.

Have you experienced any major life transition like a death of someone in your intimate circle? And if so, are you the minority of others close to your age that you personally know?

Can you put a time to mourning? Or does it just get better? Or do the memories just stick with you forever?

On the 19th of this month it will be a full year since my husband passed from AML. Ever since he's been gone I just always feel overwhelmed and stressed and I can't just chill out and relax like I used to. I'm on anti anxiety and antidepressants and I still feel this way. I also don't get much joy from my hobbies anymore. I just haven't been the same since I lost him.

Im sorry in advance, because this is really long. I feel like anyone who knows me will immediately know this is me because this is a fairly unique situation, even with my alt account. I’ve had bad luck follow me basically my entire life. But this is seriously the worst part of my life that I’m dealing with right now, and I have no idea how I’m still alive.

So let’s just get into it. I (27F) lost my husband (29M) almost 6 months ago. He was my absolute soulmate. We’ve known each other since middle school. He had the most I potential of anyone I’ve ever seen. He was smart, funny, sweet, successful… the absolute best husband and father anyone could ever ask. We would’ve celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary last year. He wasn’t around for our daughter’s 3rd birthday or my 27th. He won’t be here for Christmas. It’s hard to think about.

We were just sitting in our apartment on his day off, recovering from pneumonia. He suddenly said his head hurt, and he collapsed on the floor. Doctors said he suffered a brain aneurysm and had gone into cardiac arrest. We were living in a different state from our families since he got a new job, and I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. It was the day before Valentine’s Day, ironically Friday the 13th..

I sat there waiting for paramedics, giving amateur CPR instructed my the 911 operator as I watched the color drain from him and his lips go purple. Every time I close my eyes or just have nothing to do, that image of him on the floor is in my head.
My parents, his mom, and his brother all flew down and got to be with him when he passed. Then they all immediately told me to move back down. It’s not like I had any choice. I was a single parent and widow now with no job and lived in a state where I knew absolutely no one because I was at home with my daughter every day.

My parents left as soon as he passed, 5 hours before their flight I might add. I don’t think they wanted to deal with me or didn’t know how to deal with a(n, at the time) 26 year old who just lost their husband. My brother-in-law stayed to help me figure out finances and his girlfriend helped me pack our apartment, and I was out in 3 weeks. I didn’t want to go back. That meant living with family again, that meant drama, that meant judgement, that meant never having a moment alone ever. But what choice did I have? I have a daughter to think about.

I’ve been pretty numb lately. I got a job that doesn’t pay great, but at least it’s money coming in and provides insurance for me and my kid. I’m staying with my grandmother, who I have a rocky relationship with, but the only alternative was my Mother-in-law, who I’m pretty sure is only still in my life because of my daughter. But at least she’s in my life. My parents check in once a month, one sister only calls when she needs something, and the other has cut me out because talking to me just reminds her that my husband is gone. I forgot to mention all my family loves my husband more than me. My mom can’t even bring him up without sobbing still.

As for friends… they’re all gone. We all (me, my husband, and brother-in-law) were all in the same friend group since middle school. But apparently I was never a real friend. It’s obvious now that they only stuck around because of my husband, and not a single one has reached out to me since he passed. They are all comforting my brother-in- law, checking in on him, but not a single one would talk to me, even when I reached out first.

That made me incredibly angry. I had a similar thing happen in high school. The day after graduation, a different group of friends all blocked me from social media. I ran into them one day at Walmart, and they told me they did it because I was “too boring” and they didn’t want to put up with me now that they didn’t have to. My friends knew about this. They promised this would never happen again. And it did. It makes me so angry. All their Facebook memorial posts mention him as a great friend, brother, and father, and to keep his mom, brother, and daughter in your thoughts. No mention of a wife at all.

I don’t understand. I wasn’t mean, I was always nice, I went out of my way to make sure everyone was cared for. I wasn’t a bad person. I did everything I could to keep him here. And now I’m repaid with abandonment by most people in my life.

The people who try to relate at my age can only compare it to their or their parents’ divorces, because no one can relate to my situation. And it hurts more, because he wasn’t a cheater or hurt me or fell out of love. We were very much in love, and he collapsed. And nothing could’ve prevented it. He was healthy, he didn’t have an accident, an aneurysm can happen at any time to anyone and there was nothing I could do.

And then people recommend widow groups, but all of the local ones are people twice my age or older with kids all grown up and retired. None completely starting from scratch in their 20s with a child who won’t even remember how amazing her dad was.

My health has taken a severe toll too. I get maybe 3-4 hours of sleep, I have constant migraines that no one can find the cause of, I have constant back pains, shoulder pains, and neck pains from work. I get paranoid every time my neck is stiff or if my head hurts too long because those were the only warnings before my husband collapsed and with all the stress I’m under I’m scared it could happen to me too. I have panic attacks almost every day, and the only reason I’m still alive is I have a daughter who needs me.

But there are times that it’s too much. I am seeing a therapist, I’m on medication, but it still feels like too much for me. Before this, I had a history of self harm and attempts at my life since middle school. He was my rock and helped me through all of it. My past broke me, but this just completely shattered me. And there’s literally nothing I can do. I’m stuck in this spot. And I hate it.

That’s all. I have a lot going on and I’m just sick of it all.

Widowhood is a journey no one chooses. Some days we survive, some days we struggle, and some days we simply miss them. Sending love to every widow here. ❤️

Does anyone else feel guilty or like you have “cheated” when having a “good” day?

I just feel so much guilt today and realized that it’s just not fair that this wonderful good man isn’t here to enjoy it also. I rarely have good days but today is ok.

I lost my husband 3 years ago and his brother is expected to inherit me.This is a culture that is widely practiced at my place. I am no open to this arrangement and it has been bothering me for quite sometime.

I have a daughter but my culture doesn't recognize her as the heir that's why my brother in-law wants to inherit me and take care of our property (land)

I really want to stay in my house and land and raise my daughter but my brother in-law has already started tilling my land and I cat take any action against him for my safety and that of my daughter.

Has anyone else been through this and how did you handle it?

Anyone else had a penny from Heaven experience or another sign?

I'm 100% sure I did. Earlier today I went to the cemetery to bring fresh flowers because I needed that floral arrangement out of my kitchen.

I have had 2 signs prior to this. Found a random toy car under the bed, and a dream visitation. Anyway, I told him how I hoped he wasn't angry with me for putting him on hospice and not being in the room when he passed.

Later, I got home and decided to switch purses. Now, my husband used 2 mason jars for his coins. One for pennies and one for not pennies. I'm not sure why. I had emptied both of them and cashed in to pay for gas and the dog's heart meds well over 2 months ago. So I reach for the jar in the back of the cabinet and I see a single penny. Year: 1997. The year we met, the year he told me he loved me, the year he took me to 3 major family events, the year we got engaged. 1997. I got my answer.

Anyway. If you have a penny from Heaven or another sign please share. Thinking about it will make you and others smile.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I find when I share there are these men that try to follow me - and it’s the only downside I see to sharing in these groups. They are like predators looking for financial gain? Or sexual? I had one person speak nicely then all of a sudden DM me telling me he woke up horny. Really disgusting! I blocked him immediately. Since then I do not accept DMs and am much more cautious. It’s really disgusting to me. Do be careful and watchful sisters ❤️ I had one friend have a man befriend her and she even started dating him - she ran a background check on him and looked into him and found he was engaged to another woman and had a third he was seeing as well! Unfortunately, we live in a time where we have to be careful because there are individuals that do prey on others they perceive as vulnerable - or they have some idea in their head like all widows are horny. It’s so disgusting!!! Sorry to rant on about this but please be careful especially if you have children!

So trying to lighten the mood, vent I'm not sure. These are things that I'm over hearing 12 days in:

1. "Everything happens for a reason" - if you can't tell me the reason, shut your cakehole

2. "Be sure to take time for yourself" I'm not even certain that makes sense. Are these people confused about what makes us widows? I have nothing but time for myself.

3. "Do you have groceries"/"Did you eat" - As if the moment he passed all the food mysteriously disappeared.

4. "He would want/he wouldn't want" - What makes them think they know better than me what he would or wouldn't want"

5. Comments about how we sleep too much and that's unhealthy - Grief can be tiring, if I want to take a nap at 4:30 in the afternoon because my body says I'm tired I will. My entire world just changed and my body is trying to find the right Circadian rhythm.

6. "I know how you feel, my (insert other non-husband relative here) was about his age when he passed from cancer". I'm not saying that a widow/widower has worse grief than that individual but it isn't the same. It Is multiplied because our husbands had so many parts in our life. I didn't just lose my husband, I lost my best friend, my lover, my rock, my everything, my future, my past, the father of my children, the person that fixed everything in the house, mowed the lawn, held my hand when I was upset, reminded me to gas up the car, my dinner and movie date, my designated driver if I had too much wine, again - my everything

7. "You're young you'll find..." - Don't finish that sentence, I'm not that young and I have no interest in finding what you are going to say

8. "What are you going to do with his tools/ truck/ matchbox collection/ hats / table saw/ mower, etc.​" - well you ain't getting it just because you ask for it, vulture.

Anything else I missed?