u/goodluckbabe9

just incredibly sad lately at the sheer fact that this mental illness exists and causes so much pain and suffering, for both the hoarder and their families.

i am a few months into no contact after i tried to have a conversation about the house. my two goals for the conversation was to clear enough out to be able to access a fridge for food (really, remove and replace the broken one) and have enough space cleared out to park/plug in her motorized wheelchair that was prescribed to her. i offered to pay for whoever she wanted to hire to make those two goals happen. i offered to pay for the new fridge. she got so upset at the conversation that she told me she literally wished i was never born and that she’d beat me harder as a kid (lol)

i stalk some “estranged adult children” subreddits and there are often posts where the parent reaches out after going no contact. this is not to make light of those posts, because often the parent is being cruel/abusive/not listening/manipulative/etc. by not respecting their children’s wishes. this is not a “grass is greener” situation, to be clear, because often they reach out for contact but don’t fix any actual issues, and that’s equally as hurtful.

but i can’t help but be sad that it has been months and my mother just… doesn’t give a shit lol. she’d rather be in her level 4.5 hoard and die alone there than have even a superficial relationship with me, i guess. i haven’t been to the home in going on a decade, we didnt see each other very much because of it, so all we had for awhile was phone calls sometimes. but i’m not worth anything compared to literal garbage, mouse and animal feces, human sewage that’s backed up in the hoarded basement, thousands of dollars of useless costume jewelry from JTV, garage sale junk, etc. if i even so much as inconvenience her by having a conversation that threatens the status quo, i am quickly expendable to protect the hoard.

often i reflect and wonder about the degenerative nature of this mental disorder. would the woman in her late 30s (the same age i am now) with a toddler recognize herself? would she be appalled at this? or were these always her values? was i always expendable and i just didn’t realize? am i giving up on her by walking away? is she savable, or is she simply lost to the sea of mental illness? i honestly don’t know what to think or what would make me feel better.

it has been a month since i went no contact with my parents. TL; DR my mother is a level 5 hoarder and extremely verbally/emotionally abusive and neglectful. she used to be physically abusive but her age and mobility have curbed that. my dad is very much an enabler.

things i have discovered and observed:

my life is much more peaceful. i have more emotional energy for relationships i do want to maintain, like with my brother

my outlook is much different as a grown woman in my late 30s vs as a child, and even my 20s. i am finding that their behaviors and choices are much more inexcusable to me now that i am the same age they were when they had their children. i have a much different perspective for what is acceptable vs abuse and what i will tolerate. (bonus story: i have found out that they have ran up almost $4000 on my disabled, unemployed, severely mentally ill brothers credit card to support their poor budgeting / my mothers shopping addiction. who are these people? wtf are they thinking? this is not who i thought raised me).

my dad, who i once thought of as a victim (and i still do, in a way) has not made any changes, utilized helping resources i have given, tried to reconcile, etc. this has hurt me much more than expected.

problems i have run into lol

i have unfortunately heard through the grapevine that my mom has been going to shared people (my brother, etc.) to try and get information about me, try to get them to talk to me to find out information, etc. she also told someone she was going to send me some dog toys 🙄

our last conversation she told me she wished i was never born and that she wished she beat me more lmao. but she wants to send me dog toys now. ok, jan.

i will ignore anything she sends me. BUT!

before i went no contact i ordered her something back ordered for mothers day on etsy. after going no contact, i caught it before it got shipped and asked for the order to be cancelled. the seller said okay and then must’ve lost the conversation because they ended up sending it anyway this week by mistake. so she is going to get a random package from me now. 💀

how do i handle this? just ignore her if she calls? answer and reply only to explain it was sent in error?

i recently got some slime with a eucalyptus mint scent, and i’m in love ☺️

i love the bakery/sweet scents of course, but i feel like my collection has that covered. are there any other aromatherapy-adjacent scent slimes that get commonly restocked sometimes, or stores i can generally keep an eye out for?

tl; dr my mother is a hoarder and a shopping addict. house is now at a firm level 4.5 (if not level 5) hoard. no working fridge or way to keep food safe, falls monthly (sometimes she lays on the ground until someone finds her), uncontrolled diabetes (sometimes she’s almost in a diabetic coma when someone finds her), rats/raccoons in the home, non-working a/c or heat, electrical fires in the home from space heaters, missing mortgage payments due to shopping, etc.

i worry about her health and safety constantly. there’s a lot of other emotions and reasons for needing to clean the hoard, but really, her health and safety is number one at this point and what i’m just trying to focus on. my mom values being able to age and die at home— she always told me she’d kill herself if she had to go to a nursing home— and the state of the house will not allow her to age in place. we do something now before it’s too late. i’ve offered to pay someone to professionally clean/clear it out. she refuses.

finally i put in an APS report. i knew this would be a major sin for the child of a hoarder, but im out of ideas and options. i call her to tell her as much, focusing on her health and safety and how much i do care about her, even if she will be mad about this.

i try to assure her that these professionals are here to help, she’s an adult and it’s really up to her to accept it or not. i do put forth the boundary that she will answer the phone and door for them, and take their resources and start to use them, or else i am going no contact with her and my father. and no more financial support, either, unless it is to address the hoarding directly (e.g. paying someone to clear out enough for her health and safety.)

it went great! she screamed at me that she wish she would’ve beat me and abused me more as a kid (“i wish i would’ve beat the shit out of you more”) and that she wishes i was never born. 😂 her takeaway from this is that i am being judgmental and am only doing this to stress her out and embarrass her. i wish i was paraphrasing or being dramatic in my retelling but im not.

she also tried to act like i DONT do a shit ton for them, including financial, which i refused to be gaslit about because she just sent me a card saying how nice it was that i’m helping them and what a good daughter i was ~2 weeks ago when i was soft launching my boundaries and threatening to pull my financial support. so i have that shit in nearly wet, fresh ink that it’s not true lol. it’s actually shocking to me how fast she is able to switch from super sweet and complimentary to absolutely brutal if she is trying to protect something important to her (her hoard and shopping).

i’m just tired, guys. i’m prepared to get a sick cape and embrace my villain arc, i guess. i’m just out of options for what else to do. i feel like she truly makes it impossible to have a relationship, even if i wanted to have contact.