r/ChildofHoarder

Ever since teenager I started to notice how dirty my house is and how it is not normal. My mom diagnosed with BPD before I even born. She never clean or tidy the house since I was a child and only did it once or twice a year on special occasion. She never mopped the floor, only sweeping with a broom. There’s dust, gunk, and spiders web everywhere in our house. When she cooks, she would peel the vegetables or fruit and drop its peel directly onto the floor and just leaving it there. She left food waste, pastic packaging, plastic bag, empty bottles of condiments and every kitchen trash you can think of in the kitchen. There will be trash in every corner of her kitchen. When she eat something with peel or shell on, she will drop it down the dining table or the living room space. I once ask her why won’t she just peel the vegetables in a used plastic bag so it’ll be easier to throw it away, and why she keeps tossing the peanuts shell on the floor like that?, she just replied with “It’s my house I can do whatever I want, if you got a problem- go find somewhere else to live, or: Are you my mother to tell me what to do?” It’s very painful inside sometimes when she tosses fish bones, chicken bone, peanut shells etc on the floor. Is our house floor filthy? Yes absolutely especially around the dining table. The floor is covered with food gunk and dirt because both her and my younger brother have the same habits of tossing trash everywhere they go and have no sense of cleanliness. They also don’t clean their hand before eating or cooking too. My mom often doesn’t use soap when doing the dishes if she couldn’t find it. She would just rinse the dirty dishes with water and put it back into the cupboard. She uses wash clothes instead of sponges with soap and always throws my sponge away because she think it doesn’t clean the dishes. When I go back to visit, I have to hide my sponge to do my own separate dishes with soap because I don’t trust that she will use any since her clean dishes are still oily to touch. I tried helping by cleaning the dishes, mopping the floor, get rid of the trash but it always goes back to the way it was or worse. If I cleaned the sink today, tomorrow I will woke up with a sink filled with 30 of dirty dishes, spoons and cookwares even if there’re only 4 people in our family because she cooks nonstop from morning till night during manic episodes. She uses 2-3 plates just to place the same dishes so we have more dishes to wash. She tossed trash everywhere she goes and think someone will just clean up after her. She never feels any guilt because she owns this filthy house. Two years ago before I left the house for school, my other bedroom (now my brother’s) was clean with no trash at all, before I left, I took out all their trash and clean the whole house. When I come back, the bedroom is filled with hundreds of soda cans, water bottles and trash. The kitchen area got even filthier. I complain to my parents about my brother but they said I should clean it up because my 14yo brother is a boy, therefore it’s not boy thing to clean up. They allow my brother to eat his meal in the living room and left the dirty plate wherever he wants because mom will pick up after him.

Thanks for reading. I come back to this house for 2 weeks and I already started to lose my mind. Writing this makes me feel a little better. I wish in another life I will born into a normal clean family.

I’m at the point where I know moving out is my long-term goal, but I don’t really know how to turn that into an actual plan.
For those of you who were able to leave a hoarded home, how did you do it? Did you save a certain amount first, find roommates, work multiple jobs, create a timeline, or do something else?
I’m especially interested in hearing what steps you took while you were still living in the hoard. It can be hard to stay motivated when your environment is mentally exhausting, so I’d love to know what helped you keep moving toward your goal instead of feeling stuck.
Looking back, what do you wish you had done sooner? If you had to start over from scratch with the goal of moving out as quickly and realistically as possible, what would your plan look like?
I’m hoping to learn from people who have actually been through it, because hearing real experiences feels more helpful than generic advice.

Enjoy what exactly? I don’t have a place to myself. I share a mattress, my clothes are in a pile in the walkway(constantly being stepped on), the living room is piled with junk. Not only is my mom a hoarder, but she’s also a narcissist. I can’t even go somewhere without her guilt tripping me about not taking her with me. I can’t get a drawer inside the house because of the hoard. I’d like to think I make good money and I can’t even move out cause everything is so expensive! I don’t want a roommate, because I would like some mental peace for once. I don’t know what to do!

just incredibly sad lately at the sheer fact that this mental illness exists and causes so much pain and suffering, for both the hoarder and their families.

i am a few months into no contact after i tried to have a conversation about the house. my two goals for the conversation was to clear enough out to be able to access a fridge for food (really, remove and replace the broken one) and have enough space cleared out to park/plug in her motorized wheelchair that was prescribed to her. i offered to pay for whoever she wanted to hire to make those two goals happen. i offered to pay for the new fridge. she got so upset at the conversation that she told me she literally wished i was never born and that she’d beat me harder as a kid (lol)

i stalk some “estranged adult children” subreddits and there are often posts where the parent reaches out after going no contact. this is not to make light of those posts, because often the parent is being cruel/abusive/not listening/manipulative/etc. by not respecting their children’s wishes. this is not a “grass is greener” situation, to be clear, because often they reach out for contact but don’t fix any actual issues, and that’s equally as hurtful.

but i can’t help but be sad that it has been months and my mother just… doesn’t give a shit lol. she’d rather be in her level 4.5 hoard and die alone there than have even a superficial relationship with me, i guess. i haven’t been to the home in going on a decade, we didnt see each other very much because of it, so all we had for awhile was phone calls sometimes. but i’m not worth anything compared to literal garbage, mouse and animal feces, human sewage that’s backed up in the hoarded basement, thousands of dollars of useless costume jewelry from JTV, garage sale junk, etc. if i even so much as inconvenience her by having a conversation that threatens the status quo, i am quickly expendable to protect the hoard.

often i reflect and wonder about the degenerative nature of this mental disorder. would the woman in her late 30s (the same age i am now) with a toddler recognize herself? would she be appalled at this? or were these always her values? was i always expendable and i just didn’t realize? am i giving up on her by walking away? is she savable, or is she simply lost to the sea of mental illness? i honestly don’t know what to think or what would make me feel better.

I’m wondering if anyone else has dealt with this.
Living in a heavily cluttered/hoarded house has made it really difficult to maintain a positive mindset or feel motivated. It feels like the environment itself takes a lot of my energy before I even start the day. I often find myself wanting to stay in my room because everything outside of it feels overwhelming.
I’ve tried working on my mindset, and I’ve even tried therapy, but it feels like the biggest obstacle is still the environment I’m surrounded by every day. It’s hard to build momentum when the place you live constantly reminds you of the situation.
For those of you who had to live in a hoarded home for a long time, how did you protect your mental health while you were still there? Were there any routines, habits, or ways of thinking that helped you stay hopeful and productive until you were eventually able to change your living situation?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been through something similar.

I just miss my mom so much. That's it. I don't want to be away from them but I have to and I miss them so so much.

My mom is a hoarder, and my whole life has been a struggle of getting her to make room for our family. Throughout my childhood my sister and I begged to have our own rooms, but she would get angry and refuse to clean out her “art room” filled to the brim with random junk. Finally during Covid she cleaned part of it out for me which was a MIRACLE!

However when I left for college (only one town over) she quickly collected more junk and my room became storage again. I just graduated, and my college apartment lease ends this week. However, my new apartment lease does not start until September. The plan agreed upon by my parents and I is that I could move back home this summer and work/ save up before my “adult” apartment/ life starts in the fall.

The problem is… my room at home is completely unlivable. They were supposed to clean it out but today I checked and you can barely walk in it bc boxes and random crap is piled to the ceiling. On top of this, my old bed was covered in cat shit bc they lock their pet in there at night (so I probably need a new mattress). I have no idea how long it’s been dirty but it’s disgusting and there is cat pee soaked through the carpet as well.

I’m really stressed bc I don’t know how to get through to my mom that this is unacceptable. She’s known I’m moving home (and has shown excitement about it) for months. Today when I brought up that we needed to clean it out this week so I can move my stuff in ASAP, she said she felt attacked and that it was crazy for me to think she would do all that work for me. I’m not offended bc I’m used to it and I know it’s not personal- she’s just mentally unwell. I just want to know the best way to approach it so she can make some space for me and my belongings.

Any advice would be great!! I know I’ll probably have to end up paying for a storage unit for these next few months… :/

Im so pissed right now. I (16F) live with my parents and they are obviously pretty messy. It hasn't always been this way but around 5 years ago it started. We never have friends or any other people over because it would be too embarrassing. I've never told anyone about this and it's also the main reason why I'm a little socially isolated, because whenever someone wants to come to my house I have to make dumb excuses and they think that I don't like them. So basically it is something that has upset me for years and I struggle very much with.

Fast forward to now, my aunt wants to come to our country next week and she's supposed to sleep here. I was very shocked when my mom told me about this and have been stressing out ever since.
My mom doesn't seem bothered at all though and has just been saying that she needs to clean the whole house now. HOW the fuck is that supposed to work.

For years and years she's been telling me how much stress she has and why she can't do anything (and I get that, I never judged her for this) and all of the sudden she wants to clean the house in ONE WEEK??? Like NOW? After 5 years of not even caring a single bit how much the mess bothered me, you can clean just because my aunt is coming? I've been crying for hours now because I'm so upset.
She's been telling me to help her and normally I would, but I just can't I'm so mad.

Honestly I will be even more mad it she actually gets it all cleaned in one week. Because what do you mean I've struggled with something for 5 years and you could've just get it fixed it in a week?

But also if she doesn't get it fixed, my aunt will have to come here anyway and it'll be so so embarrassing. She also only stays for 1 or 2 nights and then we'll go on vacation together, so I've thought about just booking a trip alone to Vienna for a few days so I don't have to witness all this😭

I don't even know what to do right now. Should I help my mom cleaning everything? Should I just go to Vienna? Should I stay even if we don't get everything cleaned up? Should I talk to my mom about it? What would you do?

Thank you for reading💗 and also sorry for my English I'm from Austria

Hi, I'm F16, and just recently got out of my abusers home 3 weeks ago. I am still in contact with my mother, but I am now under the care of my grandparents; which we're not certain if it's permanent or temporary just yet. They have been very welcoming and very caring over the time I've been here, but I feel like I'm dreaming. Like none of this is real.

My mood swings, anxiety, stress, health—it's been better. But I find myself crying some nights because I just feel dread. To give you more info, I have been extremely isolated since I was 10. For 6 years I sat in a stage 4-5 hoarding home everyday and just rotted into my couch. I didn't have a room, I didn't have alone time, I was dealing with my mother's >!drug addiction and abuse!< everyday for awhile. She put me through hell, I've witnessed many extreme, triggering things as a child that I will not be disclosing here. I also have not had a real education since I was 9. I can't go back to school and I'll have to get my GED, but even then, I'm terrified I'm not going to pass and I'll mess it up.

I think what I am most upset about though, is I had to leave my soul cat behind. I got him for my birthday when I was 12, 4 years ago. I was and am extremely depressed, so I relied on him being there for me as support constantly; as I truly had nobody else, only my cat.

If I move in full time with my grandparents, I cannot keep him. That crushes me. The only reason I am alive is because of that cat, and I don't know how I could ever move forward and heal without him. The months before I left, he was all over me. Especially more affectionate and attached. It hurts so bad, I can't watch any videos with cats in them or look at any pictures of my friends cats because of him.

There is another thing, they expect me to get a job. To make them happy, I already applied to a store at my local mall, I have an interview in about 2 weeks. I'm scared, my mental health is obviously not stable due to extreme, ongoing trauma; even before my mother's hoarding started. I cannot tell my grandma the full extent of what happened, my grandpa knows a lot more but he also still expects me to work. I can't tell either of them everything she put me through out of fear they'll freak out so bad and have a heart attack. (They both have heart issues. My grandpa had open heart surgery not long ago.) My brother, he's 22 currently, he has been living with them since he was very young, I have him to talk to but we are also not that close and I don't want to be a bother to him. He knows everything.

I'm just really scared. I'm still young, I only called them because of my physical health getting worse due to the extreme hoarding. What truly held me off for years was having my cat, I refused to leave him there, but one day I just snapped and called my grandparents. I couldn't take it anymore.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I have no friends, no education. My mother put me through every form of neglect while I was living with her. Every. Single. Form. How am I going to live normally after this? Please, to any older survivors, I need some guidance. Hoarding is a complicated childhood trauma, and most people don't understand how badly it can affect your brain during its formative years. I'm trying to be the best person I can.

i stumbled across cleaning service websites that costs like 1k for them to clean your home and i found another one in my town that provides their number and i was thinking what if i hire these people, trick my parents into getting out of the house and getting others to clean my parents home without them knowing. i mean what’s the worst that can happen? call the cops? fight me? hate me (she already does i guarantee you)?? idk what to do. my moms hoarding problem is affecting my family and is affecting our health. she even brought roaches to our house and it’s something she brought because i’ve never even seen a roach in my house before. i wanted to plan this but i don’t know if this is a smart move. any advice i just need to do something before something bad happens.

My mother is a hoarder and I think to some level I am too (though I think I'm mostly just a cheapskate and like finding purpose in everything) but we have a HUGE clothing problem. Everything else is actually fine.

How can I organise them ? I couldn't ask this question on any other subreddit cuz they'd all just say throw it away / donate but she won't let me. She has a serious problem but she's suffered a lot in life and her shopaholic tendencies help her momentarily so I won't take those away from her too (Given I ALWAYS tell her she doesnt need new things or to throw away one old thing when she buys something new)

she has donated 2 dresses in the past few months and even that is huge for me.

sorry for the rant but i just want to know how can I organise / hide away the clutter the clothes cause. They're genuinely TOO MUCH. And worst of all, they're ALL in use.

Hi everyone. I'm writing this post because I'm actually going crazy and genuinely don't know what to do in this situation.

My mom is a single parent and she's been an hoarder for as long as I can remember, but in the past few years the mess in out apartment has increased exponentially.
I've tried to clean up the mess many times but with no avail since everything came back as it was before and I'm exausted of living like this.
And to make the matter worse my mom is also an alcoholic and since last month she had a psychological breakdown, because her partnert died three months ago, that left her with severe memory issued and all around confused.
And to add to this info, she keeps buying useless stuff knowing we got little money and we have bills to pay.

I'm in a bad spot right now because I don't have any savings, don't got a licence and a car and I'm currently unemployed.

I've been crying for the past week because I'm tired of this situation and I want to move out once I'll find a job and save enough money to get a licence, a car and some savings.

But I also feel bad to leave her bcs she has no one, she doesn't have a car and me leaving would definetly be a death sentence to her, but on the other hand I feel like I would kms if the situation doesn't get better.

What should I do?

Hello, I’m 37 and recently had a conflict with my partner about his delay in cleaning up the house after we had a party. I cleaned up almost all of it (happily) but after a day and a half went by I started to get really grossed out by the stuff he said he would clean but hadn't gotten to you yet, I felt frustrated and a bit activated. We started talking about it in couples therapy and our therapist (who I love) kept asking questions about my need for control and how my trauma of growing up with a hoarder may have impacted my anxiety about how we maintain our home now. I noticed that I got really hot and activated when these questions came up and I felt super defensive about wanting things to be tidy – I'm not even a clean freak I make messes every day and have to come back around to tidy things up but our home absolutely looks super lived in and we always have a layer of dust and dog hair everywhere and it's impossible to keep up, I've also been fine to leave the dishes in the sink overnight and get to it the next morning if I'm too tired to do it so I'm not even a major clean freak or anything. But she started to insinuate that I'm overly worried about how things "should" be or not wanting to be judged by the neighbors for having left out all our crap, including chicken skewers and watermelon, etc on a hot summer day.

Now I'm wondering how my childhood has impacted me since I grew up with my dad as a hoarder (he was born in 1936 and grew up with parents who were refugees and then had to get through the great depression) so when I was a kid he would save broken sinks and mattresses and old magazines and mail and like three green beans that were left over lol. He would get very angry and yell at us if we moved his piles of mail off the couch, he would yell at our cleaning people if they moved his stuff and we rarely had friends over and whenever we did I was always super embarrassed. When we got a little older I remember my brother and his wife saying they wouldn't bring their kids to our childhood home because of mold and mouse droppings and that it just wasn't safe. I myself love to hold onto some things and I always see a second use and second life for lots of stuff but I'm terrified of ever becoming like my dad so I've gotten good at figuring out what I'm actually going to use and is worth saving and what can go and is not necessary to be held onto. And I’ve gotten good at cleaning and getting into a flow while listening to audiobooks so I’m not dreading the task. I tidy almost every day and I do my best to clean the house each week but it's very hard to keep up with even in a one bedroom apartment– If we clean the toilet once or twice a month we would consider that a win - but I wish I could afford a cleaning person to come by once or twice a week so that things were actually clean. I don't want a house that looks like no one lives there but I do want a house that is tidy and not filthy with mold growing or bad smell smells or dirt and hairs all over the bathroom floor.

All of this to say– I would love some resources or insight any of y'all have about how my upbringing may be affecting me negatively as an adult. My therapist framed it like “if the house doesn't get cleaned for one or two days what will happen?” As though to say that it wouldn't be a big deal which, yes we would survive but we would also have to live in a dirty home for those two days which I would rather not do personally. I’m trying to figure out if my reaction was extreme or normal or what I need to investigate about this childhood trauma and how it impacts me now as an adult. Thanks for reading and thanks for any helpful comments

My dad is very organized, but my mom struggles with hoarding and so the house is bad. We’ve had issues with it for years and we always try to clean but it’s never enough, it’s just too much damn clothes and my mom can’t get rid of it. I’ve suggested a hoarding support service but she won’t do it. I’m hopefully moving out soon (I’m 21 so this is a good step forward) but my parents’ fighting is so bad, I just want to hide. I feel awful. My dad gets so mad about it he just starts throwing things around. Please, I feel so alone, especially now cuz two sisters moved out and one is gonna be gone next year. I’m terrified I won’t be able to get out.

Just an observation about the word "hoarder".

Off the top of my head i can remember my father has thrown away toys from when i was a child, and baseball bats, other things of course but I just can’t remember. I live with two hoarders. My father is much more extreme than my mother but their room is an absolute mess, which causes the rest of the house to always appear cluttered, and we don’t live in a very big house. My father being much more extreme has even went out of his way to throw away my mother’s belongings that she has hoarded for years while also ridiculing her for hoarding what to him appears “useless.” He claims she lives like an animal sometimes, which is crazy because if my mom was the only person i lived with, the house would appear so much more cleaner. He never tries to manage the stuff he hoards, he has just kept on adding onto it. My mom never calls him out, she never attempts to throw any of his belongings out. Anyone else deal with a parent like this?

Nobody and I mean nobody like us knows what it’s like to clear a cupboard or freezer or fridge or pantry of expired goods…

Because finding the expiry dates on each item is soul sucking, demoralizing and dehumanizing. You just gotta commit to the throwaways and keep it moving. Expired for 10 years means a fifth grader is living in the kitchen.

Happy Fourth y’all!

I was a victim of animal hoarding and my parents are too stubborn to give them away, mind you she had over like 30 animals in a apartment destroying the place. We get kicked out and move into another place often cause of those damn animals. When I manage to make enough money and move out idk how I'll recover from all of this. Like my mom keep making enemies with the other neighbors because of those damn animals. So yeah when I move out I won't be having pets for a long time, I'm going to see a therapist, lastly I want to be alone for a while so I can reflect that I made it that far and that I can only rely on myself and live on my independent life forward.

I'm hanging on by a thread, I just need a job and make some dough.