My first post as I put a name to my mother’s condition
I guess I’m just posting for emotional support. No one in my life can understand what I’m going through. I’m angry, afraid and so deeply sad, my heart feels like it’s literally breaking.
Things devolved for my mom several years ago. She had a traumatic brain injury then a stroke in her late 50s, she seemed to recover okay, she could still drive and stuff. She started having difficulty managing her condo. Growing up, we lived in an impeccable house. But her place started gathering clutter over the course of 10 years after her initial tbi, and she didn’t seem to notice or care. There was no shopping addiction at that point. But eventually the neighbors kept calling saying she was unwell and needed help. She was overwhelmed and begged for me to help.
I dug her out of the condo and got her into a really nice set up in an assisted living place. I thought if things were taken care of for her, she could go back to normal, have a good last chapter. That’s all I wanted for her. But then the shopping addiction happened. She had put my name on one of her bank accounts, and I could see how quickly she was spending money. I begged her to stop, but she dismissed me and wouldn’t give me power of attorney and I had no power to intervene.
Within a year she was asked to leave the assisted living place because of hoarding. I was fed up and said I wouldn’t help her anymore. She paid an exorbitant amount of money to move into a 4 bedroom rental. That was a year ago. That 4 bedroom is now completely filled.
Last month, I discovered that she has spent all of her money. She spent $400,000 in the last year alone. She has spent her entire life savings, and now has nothing. I have traveled to her state to see the home and try to figure out what to do with her, because her lease is up in September and she can no longer afford the rent. I am so overwhelmed by this house. She has fleas from the cats, and her legs are all bit up with flea bites. She is wearing dirty clothing. Her house is filthy - not only is there a lot of stuff, there’s food on the ground that she doesn’t even seem to see. Amazon boxes that have never been opened. So much random stuff that makes absolutely no sense, like she bought a kiln and a hookah, among other thousands of random things. She gets confused by her phone, she has like no attention span when I try to get her to help me figure her situation out. I think she has dementia.
Of course I’m angry. I yelled at her today, trying to get her to see the logic, and then I came on this sub and understood that there is no logic for her. This is a serious mental illness and yelling isn’t going to help. I also feel compassion for her, I can’t imagine what this must be like for her. And I feel so so so sad. My poor mother is living in filth and there’s literally nothing I can do about it.
Realizing what she had done (she says she doesn’t have memory of spending the money, despite the house full of crap) she finally gave me financial power of attorney. I will take over her small Social Security income to pay her bills with and give her whatever monthly allowance is left over. I will again dig her out of this and move her into a smaller place that she can’t do as much damage in, also there’s no more money to spend. Initially, she agreed, but today when it came to talking about having a company come in and getting rid of all her stuff so she could move, she told me she will file a restraining order against me. She said she can figure it all out on her own, but of course she can’t do that on her own.
And even though I will do this again, I know this is not going to actually change anything. She’s still going to live in filth and not take care of her self. I can’t live with her to take care of her because my mental health is not good, and I will not survive that. I can’t figure out what agency could help her. I think I have to just let her destroy her life, and that’s really hard to do. My mother who was beautiful, well put together, worked as an attorney making good money and lived in a beautiful house in an upper middle class neighborhood. She is now going to move into a trailer park.
I’ve never felt more heartbroken in my life. I cry myself to sleep every night.
ETA: i’m seeing some notifications of comments that are not appearing when I try to open them, so I can’t respond. One comment was talking about finding social services and elder care professionals. I have no idea what social services can help this situation. I have called an elder care nonprofit, and they just talked about Adult Protective Services. I don’t know what APS would do, where they would take my mom, etc. I have researched all kinds of ways to address this situation, and I haven’t found anything. People always say call some sort of agency, but I can never get specific information. So if somebody knows a specific organization that can take real steps with me, please send me a message.
Also, I am trying to get doctors involved, but it’s difficult when I’m not at the actual doctors appointment to provide information that she won’t provide herself. I live in a different state and I can’t be with her most of the time.