Polyamorous (F27) and he’s not (m30) but we’re engaged
Poly woman (F27) with monogamous fiancé (M30) of almost 5 years wondering how do we move forward when our visions don’t align?
We’ve been together for nearly 5 years (my longest relationship) and I proposed almost a year ago. Things were really good until recently, when I’ve started pushing to have honest conversations about what we each want for our future.
I’m polyamorous and was monogamous for him early on, but now I want us to openly discuss opening the relationship, possibly including swinging, as well as other big life things like living abroad or visiting international friends I miss. To me, love means your capacity grows with each connection. He sees love as exclusive to one person and worries that wanting others means I’m choosing them over him. He’s also very set on having kids, but I’m increasingly uncomfortable with the health risks and potential loss of bodily autonomy that could come with that.
Whenever these topics come up (or even when I mention missing friends and wanting to travel), he shuts down. He says he’s had a hard week and can’t talk about it. I’ve always tried to be supportive and receptive when he needs to talk, but it feels one-sided. If I get emotional during these conversations, it loops and goes nowhere. He also seems resentful about my current job struggles (this isn’t our first time in this situation).
We’ve tried couples therapy, but the therapist eventually said we each need more individual work before continuing together. I keep emphasizing that communication and respect need to go both ways, but I’m not sure how to break through.
I love him deeply, he’s literally my best friend and has loved me more than anyone else ever has. I’m scared to walk away, but I’m also scared of ignoring these fundamental differences forever. Has anyone been in a similar spot where one person is poly and the other is mono? How did you decide whether to keep trying or move on?
Edit: I also live a lot closer to him and all his family versus I haven’t been able to have a proper visit with my own family since before the pandemic, and still haven’t made many friends here, so low irl support circle yay
TL;DR: Poly woman and monogamous man made it work for years, but differing views on openness, kids, travel, and communication are creating a wall. Not sure if it’s sustainable long-term.